JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

You are a sleeper agent, in such a deep sleep you didn’t even know it.

Now a Russian defector has blown your cover (if it is your cover), you’re on the run and your own colleagues are after you. You’ve changed your look, you’ve dyed your hair, you’re living by your wits…and we want a picture!

Send us a photograph of yourself dressed up as Angelina Jolie as Salt—long black hair, cheekbones, those lips, and the fierce expression. In other words, the way you look when you go to the supermarket. Email the photo/s to my cat, urban.matthias@gmail.com. We will post all your entries. The three Salt-iest entries will receive the official Salt movie trucker cap.

Yes, you only get a trucker cap for all your trouble, but you’re not in this for the prize. You’re in this because you want to unleash your inner Angelina Jolie/Salt right here. Get your wardrobe together, find that wig, pucker up and Paaak!

This contest is open to all our readers—female, male, homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, transsexual, asexual, as well as their cats, dogs, ferrets, octopi and other animal companions.

Saffy demonstrates the fierce. Put on the long black wig and she’s ready. My cats are not eligible to join this contest, but yours are.

Entries will be accepted until 26 July. The winners will be announced on 27 July. Salt opens in theatres on 28 July.

* * * * *

Most of the entries we’ve received are photos of cats, and they’re adorable but not in costume. You have to have the straight black hair and bangs. It doesn’t have to be a wig, could be paper or a garbage bag. . .

The winner of the Historical Figure-Mythical Monster Mash-Up is Tandang Sora, palabang lola by johnbristol6. It’s inventive, bizarre, witty, and (high compliment) it made coffee shoot out of my nose. (Budjette, let’s make it a comic book!)

The prize:

We enjoyed the entries that futzed with the Hero vs Monster formula, so we decided to award consolation prizes to

Jose Rizal: the man, the legend, the aswang by hypnerotomato
Revisionist History—Now Na! by stellalehua
Love and Diversity by kindler
Agaw-Dilim, Agaw-Liwanag: Mga Itinagong Kwento ng Rebolusyon by Grafton Uranus

If you haven’t read their stories, they’re here.

Hypnerotomato gets The Once and Future King by T.H. White, stellalehua gets The Cry of the Sloth by Sam Savage, Kindler gets Uther by Jack Whyte, and Grafton Uranus gets A Nation Rising: Untold Tales of Flawed Founders, Fallen Heroes, and Forgotten Fighters from America’s Hidden History.

Congratulations! You may pick up your prizes any day starting today, 16 July 2010 at National Bookstore in Power Plant Mall, Rockwell, Makati. Go to the Customer Service counter. Your prize is listed under your username and the email address you used to register on this site. Yes, you may send someone to pick up your prize as long as he/she has the information.

Thanks to our friends at National Bookstore for the prizes. The Weekly LitWit Challenge returns soon.

I have found the perfect hiding place! Mmm, warm.

No one will ever think of looking for me here.

Don’t look at me, fool, I’m invisible! Avert your eyes.

Three Car Salesmen Think Of The Same Cat by John Lurie

Outtakes from my column (ran out of space).

In rugby the team in possession of the ball moves it towards the opponent’s goal line by kicking it. They can pass it with their hands but never forwards, only sideways (if the ball is moving slightly backwards). To stop the ball carrier, the opposing team tackles him.

Points are scored by kicking the ball on the ground over the goal’s crossbar (3 points), or by bodily carrying the ball over the goal line and planting it on the ground (a ‘try’, 5 points). After a successful try, the attacking team gets a free kick at the goal. If it goes in, it’s a ‘conversion’ (2 points).

Photo: The Asian Division 2 championship match in New Delhi in June. The Philippines beat Thailand and India to win promotion to Division 1 in 2011. Photo by Nigel Saunders.

This is a scrum. After a minor rules violation, the eight forwards on each team bind together in three rows and interlock heads. The opposing pack approaches and everybody crouches. Then the two packs engage and push each other as hard they can. The ball is thrown into the gap between the two front rows, whereupon the two guys in the middle of the front row try to hook the ball backwards with their feet. The ball is kicked backwards, number 9 (the ‘scrum-half’) picks it up, and the ball is in play. Photo by Nigel Saunders.

Half-Pinoy, Half-Aussie, All Sports, All The Time in Emotional Report, today in the Star.

The Rugby World Cup is next year. Let’s go to New Zealand!

It just occurred to me: the Tagalog word for book is ‘aklat’ and the Tagalog word for revolt/protest is ‘aklas’.

The winners of the Historical Figure-Mythical Monster Mash-Up will be announced tomorrow at lunchtime.

Today’s reviews are by Vivien the Vuvuzela.

Vox Populi by Dennis Marasigan

Vox Populi: A thorough, well-crafted close-up on local politics via the last day of a (fictional) campaign. Nothing really new or shocking here, but the scenes are excellently mounted and all the male supporting performances are faultless and fearlessly flamboyant. Watching Tony Mabesa, Josemari Avellana, Julio Diaz, Bobby Andrews, and Roeder go at their characters with perfect ease and wild abandon is priceless.

But it’s Simoun Ibarra’s stunning, beatific turn that will kill you.

Ironically the lead, played by Irma Adlawan, might be the one part that leaves you wanting. As the queen in the middle of this maelstrom she looks the part: she delivers a totally competent performance, but by reining in the madness too much she fails to soar alongside her male courtesans.

Sigwa by Joel Lamangan

Sigwa: Call off the executioner, there’s hope for Joel Lamangan yet.

With Sigwa, a love letter to youthful idealism/activism, he delivers half a vital movie—the present, starring the beautifully understated turns by Dawn Zulueta, Gina Alajar, Zsa Zsa Padillia, Jim Pebanco and Tirso Cruz III, and a surprising lightness of touch seldom seen from the director.

The other half—the past, told in ho-hum flashbacks—is a yawn: yet another romanticized, prettified paean to the First Quarter Storm. Naging mas exciting sana kung pinag-usapan na lang ng matatanda at di na ipinakita as flashback. Nakatipid pa ng milyones.

One half sublime, one half pedestrian—net net, okay pa rin. Lamangan may be on the road to redemption. (Enjoy din ang huling Mano Po, ha!)