JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

This is my voodoo doll. I only use it for World Cup finals. The last time I used it, Marco Materazzi said something to Zinedine Zidane, and whatever it was Zizou was so incensed he head-butted Materazzi, and Italy went on to win the World Cup.

Weird turning point, no? Almost as if . . .voodoo were involved.

It’s the day of the final, so out comes the doll. Whom should we hex, Spain or Holland? I’m taking requests.

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12 July 2010, 0240. Bernard-Henri texts: “Found myself in Instituto Cervantes for the game. I’m the only one here for the Oranje! I might be burned at the stake.”

That’s heresy on two counts! Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by. . .three counts! Did you bring your queso de bola? Four counts!

0320. More yellow cards than a Noynoy rally, but still no score. I do not want to see a penalty shoot-out.

There is a total solar eclipse today. Going by Here Comes The Bride movie physics by Chris Martinez, if there is a total solar eclipse in a magnetic field and some Spanish and Dutch players collide, they will swap bodies. Hmmm David Villa is not himself today.

0420. For a hex to work I must feel a powerful dislike towards the hexee, and right now I dislike both teams. Urrgh. On to the existential hell of the penalty shoot-out. No wait, extra time.

Incidentally there is a much-repeated story that Albert Camus was the goalie of the Algerian football team. It is not true.

Iniesta passes the Dutchies!

0458. A goal! Iniesta! Spain 1, Holland 0. I think I’ll have fabada for lunch. A late, late lunch.

0504. Cardinal Octopus, bring out. . .the comfy chair! Spain wins the World Cup for the first time ever! Vive de largo el pulpo! Good morning.

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Here’s my favorite post-match video: Iker Casillas is interviewed by his girlfriend, TV presenter Sara Carbonero.

When I got home on Saturday afternoon there was an enormous racket—the hallways were being fogged in preparation for dengue season and I’d completely forgotten. It was too late to evacuate with my three cats; fortunately we have a plan for zombie/alien/gas monster attacks.

I shut the main door, stuck a wet towel against the tiny space between door and floor, and opened the windows to let out the fog that would seep in. The cats were already in the bedroom, trying to get away from the noise. I turned on the air-conditioning, shut the bedroom door and shoved a wet towel against the bottom of the door. Then we settled down until the fog cleared.

“Is it zombies?” Koosi asked, sharpening her claws.

“No,” I said, “it’s pesticide.”

“Is it vampires?” Saffy asked, wielding the Mr Pointy.

“No, just maintenance.”

“Is it brain-sucking aliens?” said Mat, polishing the halberd.

“Nope.”

“Is it Hittites?”

“Is it Ostrogoths?”

“Is it Uruk-hai?”

“No, it’s just fogging.”

They took turns guarding the door and sitting by my computer. I think they were hoping to kill something, but they got bored and took naps. A couple of hours later I reconnoitred the living room and there was a faint whiff of chemicals. I aired out the sala, then we locked ourselves in the vault for another hour. Just to be sure, we stayed an extra hour.

I think my cats are disappointed.

Xian Lim and Tessie Tomas in a scene from Two Funerals.

Bert went to Cinemalaya yesterday and texted us his instant reviews.

Two Funerals by Gil Portes. Good premise. Mediocre crafting of story. Bad lighting. But Xian Lim as lead. Five stars!

Still from Rekrut

Rekrut by Danny Añonuevo. Great direction. Hot guys galore. Manipis ang kuwento pero ok na rin. Four stars!

Are you going to Cinemalaya? Send us your quickie reviews.

The publishing industry is convinced that its salvation lies in the undead.

Among the most-touted books of the season are The Fall, the sequel to The Strain by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan, out in the fall (where there is fall); and The Passage by Justin Cronin.

The success of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has spawned a host of literary/historical mash-ups, including Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter.

Vampires, demons, and zombies are all very interesting, of course, but for true weirdness I prefer manananggal, tiyanak, and other creatures of the Filipino darkness.

Let’s make some mash-ups!

The rules:

1. The protagonist has to be a Philippine historical figure.

2. The monster has to be a creature out of Philippine mythology: manananggal, aswang, tikbalang, kapre, tiktik, tiyanak, mambabarang, etc. Yes, it’s tempting to cast a politician; no, we want a more attractive monster.

3. The setting has to be somewhere in the Philippines.

4. The tale has to be told in less than 1,000 words. It doesn’t have to be a short story, it can be a concept paper, movie treatment, or synopsis for a novel.

5. The entry has to be posted in Comments by noon of Thursday, 15 July 2010.

6. The prize: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter.

Thanks to our friends at National Bookstore for the freebies!

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ATTENTION: WINNERS

enajie, swanoepel, overnitesensation, gilbertjohngarcia, irvin mclovin: Upon swanoepel’s suggestion I’ve asked Budjette Tan to sign your copies of Alexandra Trese. You can pick them up starting Monday, 12 July 2010 at National Bookstore in Power Plant Mall, Rockwell, Makati.

epaloids: You said July, right? You can claim your copy of PostSecret at National Bookstore in Rockwell any day starting Saturday, 10 July 2010.

Alrey and Richelle: When are you going to pick up your watches from the Prince of Persia contest?

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Entries received so far:
Apolinario Mabini: Manananggal Killer by rinabanana
Lapu-Lapu: Vampire Hunter by e@rl_hickey
Jose Rizal: the man, the legend, the aswang by hypnerotomato
Tandang Sora: Palabang Lola ni johnbristol6
Revisionist History—Now na! (or, OMG, ang anak ni K!) by stellalehua
Francisco Dagohoy, Imortal ni jeffwar314
Jose Rizal, Doppelganger Slayer by wickedmouth
Love and Diversity by kindler
Agaw-Dilim, Agaw-Liwanag: Mga Itinagong Kwento ng Rebolusyon by Grafton Uranus
Tooth and Nail: The Declaration of War and Martial Law by banzai cat
The Real Treaty of Paris by virgoan
Apolinario Mabini: Child of Prophecy, The Last Bruha Slayer by blahblah
The Aswang Trilogy by flipflopstore

Click on Comments to read the contestants.

Whenever I encounter instances of bad grammar in the mass media I feel like enamel is being ripped off my teeth. This insistence on grammatical correctness may be finicky and old-fashioned, but I am finicky and old, and it’s a little late for me to follow fashion.

Consider this polemic against the presidential sister, television host, product endorser and publicist of her own personal dramas, Kris Aquino. Our corrections are in boldface.

We do not take issue with the content or diction, only the basic grammar. We enjoy reading the writer (Oy pare, I did mention this) and the site; for now we will attribute these lapses to the rush to meet deadlines.

“Only three definite things in this world: death, taxes, and a Kris Aquino controversy.

“In the second to the last week Two weeks before the inauguration, her name came up in appeared on the front pages of newspapers, allegedly for having a hand in trying selecting the next senate president for alleged interference in the selection of the next Senate President. She was reportedly calling up senators one by one to support Sen. Francis Pangilinan. One of the candidates for the post, Franklin Drilon, admitted that he—a Cory loyalist through and through—was deeply hurt. A The week after that… kaboom! She will would not be eclipsed by her elder brother’s shindig. And she will never understand the real joys and values (Did you mean virtues?) of privacy. . .” etcetera

I do have a small suggestion: If you want someone to shut up, stop talking about her. The reason some people feel compelled to live out their dramas in public is because the general public is obviously interested in hearing about them. If nobody gave a shit, no amount of media exposure could make them national talking points. If the ratings are low, the networks would stop paying attention. Then they would be yelling in a vacuum.

Admit it: You are fascinated. Revulsion is also a kind of fascination.

The quarry is a soft target, but with massive resources and many allies. You need to be mentally sharp for this, and that includes your grammar.

Forensic psychiatrist Michael Stone has created a scale for decoding a killer’s mind. Dr. Stone’s Evil Scale has 22 levels.

At number 1, the lowest: Those who kill in self-defense.

12: Power-hungry psychopaths who kill when cornered. Example: Jim Jones, the Kool-Aid dispenser of Jonestown.

15: Psychopathic spree killers such as Charles Starkweather, the basis for the mass murderers in Terrence Malick’s Badlands, Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers, and Bruce Springsteen’s Nebraska.

Side issue: Does art inadvertently romanticize evil? Badlands is beautiful.

17: Sexually-perverse serial killers such as Ted Bundy. According to Dr. Stone he only comes in at level 17 because “he did not keep any of his victims alive for long periods of time in order to prolong their torture and suffering.”

Top of the scale, level 22: Psychopaths who inflict extreme torture on their victims and then murder them. Example: Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer.

Is such a scale useful? Can you measure evil and make comparative rankings? What do you think?