JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

To my great disappointment I find that the new Robert Rodriguez movie Machete starring Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, Don Johnson is not a remake of the Seiko Movie from the 90s in which Cesar Montano plays a wooden Igorot warrior statue who comes to life and turns into the neighborhood stud. Yes, like a life-size man-in-a-barrel.

Too bad, because Lindsay Lohan could get a real career boost as the Rita Avila character, the sculptress (? Didn’t see the whole movie, much to my regret) who rubs up against the wooden statue until it comes to life.

Seiko Films’ Machete was such a big hit it spawned a sequel, this time with Gardo Versoza as the wooden guy.

But my favorite Seiko movie of all time has to be Huwag Mong Buhayin Ang Bangkay! (Do Not Reanimate The Corpse!) The title alone ensures my undying affection. In the movie Jestoni Alarcon plays a concert pianist who dies and is buried. His mother, played by the incomparable Charito Solis, makes a deal with the devil to bring him back. So Jestoni rises from the grave still wearing his tuxedo.

Unfortunately the contract with the devil does not expressly state that the corpse has to regain all normal physiological functions like respiration and circulation, so the dead pianist is putrefying. The face is rotting, body parts falling off, and it’s going around killing people.

The best part was the soundtrack: horror movie music punctuated with plaintive cries of “Huwag mong buhayin ang bangkaaay! Huwag mong buhayin ang bangkaaay!” My sister and I were watching it on TV and we nearly passed out laughing.

Last week we were having drinks at Bowler when Richie mentioned that a lot of movies were shot at his grandmother’s house. One of them was Huwag Mong Buhayin Ang Bangkay! Filming was underway when Richie’s grandmother discovered that the plot of the movie involved satanic rituals, so she threw out the cast and crew.

A few years ago at the film festival in Udine I met Robbie Tan, the auteur of Seiko Films. He was there for Jeffrey Jeturian’s Bridal Shower. A few years later he produced Brillante Mendoza’s Foster Child, which was screened at the Directors’ Fortnight in Cannes. We ate at a pizzeria where the waiter looked exactly like John Turturro.

Robbie Tan said that the movie company grew out of the fantastically successful Seiko wallet business. There’s a brilliant ad: “Ang wallet na masuwerte.” Why wouldn’t you buy a wallet that would bring you luck? Seiko Films’ tagline was just as effective: “It it’s from Seiko, it must be good.” Since Seiko had invented such labels as “ST” (sex trip) and “TF” (titillating films), we often revised this tagline to “If it’s from Seiko, they must be nude.”

According to Robbie Tan the movie that really kick-started the business was a low-budget foreign flick that Seiko released in the Philippines: The Gods Must Be Crazy.

I must have a Seiko Films boxed set. (Apparently ‘boxed set’ and ‘box set’ are both correct.)