Ask Jon #4: “Is it that bad yet? Is it that bad?!” The Story of the Hard-Boiled Egg
Jon on not eating, not drinking, and not being merry.
The latest from our straight guy columnist Jon Morales.
Warning: This is a harrowing tale.
listbonne: It’s December and most young, single people I know are starting to go broke. Have you ever gone through something like this? Any advice to them?
Jon:
In July I was tight. Real tight. One meal a day tight. Counting my peso coins like cigarettes and waiting for payday like rain tight.
Since I’ve moved to the Philippines I’ve lost 50 pounds, 10-15 of them in those last two weeks of July alone. The thing was, I knew I was going to be tight so I started marshalling my scant resources and looked ahead thinking, “I only have to make it two weeks,” scoured my room, gathered up all the loose change accumulated in the dirty laundry which I couldn’t afford to have washed and under the mat I sleep on, and figured I could make it.
The thing about being broke, and I mean real broke, like Henry Miller Tropic of Cancer type broke, is that you go to bed every night hungry and you wake up every morning even hungrier. Food dominates your thoughts. I woke up every morning and the first thought on my mind was “Where can I hustle some free food?”
I made it through most of the two weeks alright, got to the last Saturday, two days before the last payday. Since payday was so close and I had grown a bit tired of bananas and rice (I had cut out the soup for flavouring the rice by that point due to budget constraints) I decided to treat myself to an eight-peso hard-boiled egg. I was supposed to go to class that morning but had done the calculations and realized that MRT and jeepney rides back and forth to UP from Pasig would cost me a total of 44 pesos. Considering that I had only 20 before I bought the egg, that was clearly unacceptable.
So there I stood in the sunshine happily nibbling and savoring the eight peso hard-boiled egg in my left hand when someone drove up on a scooter and asked for directions around my neighborhood. As I began to tell him I gestured with that left hand and felt the disastrous and sudden lightening of the hard-boiled egg in my hand. Mid-sentence I came to a dead stop and looked down in utter shock as I watched the quarter-nibbled yolk come to a rest on the street in front of me. I’m not sure how much time passed, not much I think, as I stood there staring, eyes like dinner plates, at my yolk lying so tragically in the gutter.
The guy asking me for directions took one look at my face, paused and said “I’m sorry” and motored off. I didn’t even look up. I kept staring at the yolk: “Is it that bad yet? Is it that bad? Am I going to pick this thing up with my neighbours standing around me and eat it shamelessly out of the gutter?” “It’s not that bad yet, not yet.”
I walked home still reeling from my lost protein. I perked up when I remembered I had a bag of chichacorn on my counter that I’d been given as pasalubong a few months earlier. As I opened it ants started pouring out of the bag. I examined the bag and it had been on my counter so long that the ants had actually chewed a tiny hole through the plastic and invaded the chichacorn. “Is it that bad yet? The ants are just sort of extra protein…. right? No… No it’s not that bad yet.”
Only, it was. As I squatted next to my mat and recounted my 12 lonely little pesos I started to panic. “I’ve got no load on my phone, not enough money for more than a single jeepney ride, can only get so far on the MRT, and I only have enough money for two more bananas until Monday if I buy nothing else.” I couldn’t get anywhere, I couldn’t even get in touch with people who could help me. I was going to have to go until Monday, already famished to begin with, having eaten nothing but egg white and drinking nothing but unfiltered tap water for two days.
I’ve never felt worse panic in my life. All I could think over and over was, “My god when am I going to eat?! When am I GOING TO EAT!!!!” The thing about panicking though, for some strange reason, is that it makes me really really sleepy. Can’t keep my eyes open sleepy. Narcolepsy just took a Valium type sleepy.
So that’s what I did at 11 am Saturday morning on an empty stomach: fall dead asleep. I woke up at 6 PM and had the brilliant idea to search through my winter clothes that I hadn’t worn in 7 months for money. And there it was, in my ski jacket that I had no use for in Manila. Andrew Jackson, you were an awful and racist President who oversaw the Trail of Tears. You are the most beautiful man in the history of the world. As I cashed that 10 dollar bill at EDSA Shang I had a new refrain ringing in my head: I’m going to make it! Sweet Jesus I’m going to make it!!
When I finally got back on my feet I saw a friend who I hadn’t seen in about a month and she remarked, “Wow you look really good! Have you been working out?” No, not at all, just ran out of money and couldn’t afford food for a while. “Oh, well poverty suits you, you look good.” Thanks dear. Thanks.
Here’s my advice to people facing the same predicament and with too much pride or too few friends: Bananas. Those little unappetizing ones they sell at sari-sari stores. Through careful sampling and trials I have come to the conclusion that bananas have the highest satiation-to-price ratio of any food available in the Philippines. They taste like cardboard. But you feel full.
The other piece of advice: kawawa face. There’s nothing quite like the pressure of not eating to really give your acting skills that extra oomph of emotional sincerity. My kawawa face is unbeatable. My kawawa face could melt the glaciers and convince them to sell me some bottled water on credit. Swear to god I’ll pay you back as soon as I get paid, Ate.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
December 17th, 2010 at 13:43
Hilarious! Jon, I love you as much as I love Jake and Neil.
December 17th, 2010 at 13:58
I can relate. I remember myself in college, someone from the province studying in Manila, living off a measly allowance.
It’s bad to have nothing to spend on the most basic of needs. It’s worse to have no one to run to for help in the direst (OA?) of circumstances.
December 17th, 2010 at 14:02
Nagka-kabag ako dito. Hahaha!
December 17th, 2010 at 14:16
I can relate. I remember when I was in elementary and my father left us temporarily until he left us for good a decade after. We had nothing but dried fish everyday for a month. The sight and smell of it made me wanna throw up. I swore to never have that same fish again.
December 17th, 2010 at 14:51
jon, you can try ramyeons. we have our very own instant pancit canton, too. they taste better than those bananas but you’d be needing more bottled water for the spicy ones. nyak hindi rin yata practical.
December 17th, 2010 at 15:20
Hey Jon you’re smart and I like you, I’d chose you fully clothed over a fully naked Harry M. And here I am supposedly one of his top (that didn’t quite sound right) admiring fans. Oh well I have a fickle mind.
You did say that you moved to the Philippines, right? I just came back from a tour of duty in the Middle East (chika lang, pero sa Middle East nga ako galing) wow don’t I buy you lunch? Let me buy you that double down thingy (haha ang cheap ko). No seriously! You don’t have to make that kawawa face on me.
And for take home I’d buy you a kaing of bananas. I love em too
December 17th, 2010 at 16:07
First: I’ll never believe that you haven’t figured out how to work your angle for the camera. Have you been practicing?
Second: Hard…boiled…egg. Do you by any chance harbor any ill feelings towards eggs at all? One decided to ditch you just when you needed it most.
Thanks a lot for sharing, Jon! I know I’ll never look at eggs again without wanting to tear up. Holler if you ever you need to hustle food again. I’m sure there’ll be a food drive :)
December 17th, 2010 at 16:08
Correction: never look at eggs the same way again.
December 17th, 2010 at 16:14
This story never ceases to amaze me, really.
We need to see the kawawa face though, in case it needs tweaking, like I dunno, tears from the left eye trickling ever-so-slowly :D
December 17th, 2010 at 17:04
Onyx: (To paraphrase my friend Raul every time we decline someone who’s never met us) Sayang, tumawag pa naman si Harry. Gusto ka daw niya.
December 17th, 2010 at 17:07
Dusa!
Can’t blame him about the egg yolk. It’s one of the best things in life.
December 17th, 2010 at 17:30
Jon, I am hopelessly, insanely in wuv with you! Please let us get married now. I am a Chef. We will never go hungry again. Hmmm, time to reread Tropic of Cancer. But, please, Jon, don’t even start canoodling with pimps and prostitutes…
December 17th, 2010 at 17:37
::Sharpens claw::
Jon, I have a credit line to the biggest supermarkets in town. Hint.
December 17th, 2010 at 17:54
@Sharpens knives@
Jon, what would you like? A Porterhouse steak? A filet mignon? A wedge of banoffee pie?
December 17th, 2010 at 17:54
so this is the tale of the hard-boiled egg. epic!
December 17th, 2010 at 18:21
@Kaye: Why do you have to sharpen your claw? Are you some kind of a predator? Haha.
December 17th, 2010 at 18:35
Jon, after this post,you will never go hungry again while you’re in the Philippines. Look at all the love you’ve been getting :)
December 17th, 2010 at 19:02
Well that’s one of the good things of being stocky, like me. As they say, in times of hunger and poverty, tayo payat pa lang, sila patay na!
I had loads of friends who were living off monay (sweet buns?) when we were in UP, especially when our DOST stipend doesn’t come yet. You were (still are?) in UP, which is like the haven of cheap delicious food! And yes, pwede rin ang utang kay manang (well, it was the case when I was in UP).
December 17th, 2010 at 20:34
*Sharpens pencil*
Pudpod na kasi. Wenk.
@Yorkie: Sina manang aristocart sa tabi ng mga dorms!
December 17th, 2010 at 20:47
#19 ifrico — Hahahaha! Anaver!!! What’s with all this sharpening of stuff?
In Mendiola, we have what we call Hepa lane where all the fish/squid balls, kekiam, fries, tukneneng, whathaveyous and anything that could probably land you in a hospital bed is there. Dangerous pero masarap! I think that’s one of the reasons I survived college :)
December 17th, 2010 at 21:23
Before reading this, I ate plain congee(P10) and and hard-boiled egg(P4.55/pc fresh). Later, I plan to eat my Wild Willy’s Chicharrones(P25.75) with Pop cola(P15).
Bananas: Were those latundan? Next time eat lakatan.
Broke you weren’t if you were waiting for payday. But if that egg yolk incident happened to me? In a similar situation…. Amok!!!
December 17th, 2010 at 21:43
50 pounds? I think I could try beating you. I can lose two pounds a day. But as yorkie85 said:
Well that’s one of the good things of being stocky, like me. As they say, in times of hunger and poverty, tayo payat pa lang, sila patay na!
I won’t try. 50 pounds is half of what I weigh.
December 17th, 2010 at 22:25
In my experience, the best place to be broke is UP Diliman. It was 2006, I was reviewing for my board exam and I had lent almost all of my review money to an ex-close friend. September, my exam month, came and I was not paid. I did not tell my parents and siblings that I was broke. So there I was on the verge of a breakdown because the exams were starting and I was flat broke. The fishball stand in front of Palma Hall was a godsend. My friends also adopted me and fed me in carenderias in Balara(I have fond memories of that place). Until now, that ex-friend(may she be violated by thorny demons in the hottest part of hell) and her parents(they were complicit) have not even attempted to make a small payment. But I hear she is still suffering from massive debt and nothing seems to work for her. Nyahahahaha! I’m evil I know but can’t help it.
December 17th, 2010 at 22:33
Sadder than Humpty Dumpty’s tale, and better told.
December 17th, 2010 at 22:55
# 23 the chronicler: grabe, wala akong masabi. ang bad mo. haha. kidding.
December 17th, 2010 at 23:22
I’d like to see the kawawa face :) I also agree with betson, try the lakatan/cavendish variety.
Try getting a phone with wi-fi feature so that if you run out of load/food/money, you’ll just need to go to a mall or cafe that has free wi-fi, and post an SOS.
December 18th, 2010 at 00:17
Jon, I think you give broke a beautiful face. :)
December 18th, 2010 at 00:43
Like some of Jon’s other correspondents above, I am also a UP Diliman alumnus and can relate very well to such stories of hunger and general deprivation — in my case from the 1980’s, when things were economically far worse in the Philippines than they have ever been since. I guess one cannot be a true UP student if one has not had similar experiences, in any era.
And it’s also true that the UP Campus is probably the best place to be a broke, starving, and struggling student in, Not only is food cheap, but more importantly, people are also genuinely compassionate — classmates, friends, acquaintances, and even professors and university employees will not only share their surplus but even dig into their basics to give those who are even more needy.
December 18th, 2010 at 00:47
oh my, jessica. first the hubert webb story, now this. harrowing indeed. i do not find it funny at all.
to the Jon of that end of July of whatever year, a big hug. glad that you’ve come through it with your dignity intact. yes, it wasn’t that bad yet.
decades ago, i was on my way to school in a car. i saw an old man beside his bike scooping something up out of the road and putting it in a clear plastic bag. it didn’t click in my head immediately until i was several meters away but i think he was scooping up his rice. his plastic bag must’ve fallen and burst open. his advantage was that it was a big enough pile of rice so that the top was definitely ‘not that bad yet’. but still, the fact that he had to scoop it up instead of just leaving it and buying another bag of rice says something.
December 18th, 2010 at 07:16
If I were hearing this in person, I’d be standing up and clapping at the part about Andrew Jackson.
December 18th, 2010 at 07:54
“Pre,” I had the same “being broke” experience my first month working in Manhattan, years and years ago.
It was two days before Thanksgiving and I wanted so much to spend it with my relatives in Ohio, but it wasn’t payday yet, and I was flat broke. My pay was minimum – working for a temp agency.
At home, I thought of going thru pockets of winter jackets, and voila, I found $50 USD. So, Thanksgiving Eve, I flew to Ohio, via People’s Airline (fare was $49). This airline went bankrupt years later.
Good luck, ‘pre. Hope you don’t go thru this broke shit anymore.
December 18th, 2010 at 20:19
i won’t tell my sob story since everybody’s doing that already. instead, i’ll tell you how i avoid getting myself into that situation.
somebody said we should have enough savings to survive without a job for three months. i usually have enough savings for at least six months. i had a manager who once said she wouldn’t dare leave her current job and look for a new job until she has enough money to live on for a year.
now let me explain how i avoid buying stuff.
i have more clothes than i need. since i do my laundry every week, i don’t need more than seven days’ supply of change. i have at least a dozen sweaters when i need no more than two every week. i have three winter jackets. i need only one for the entire winter season. (and i mean, i don’t need to wash that jacket for the entire winter season.) so buying clothes is out for me.
i borrow books from the library. i don’t have enough space for the books i’ve bought. so buying new ones is out of the question.
i cook enough food for the whole week. i cook my dish for the week on saturday and won’t cook again until the following saturday. now how do i avoid getting tired of eating the same food everyday for a week? each time i microwave a portion of that weekly ulam, i add a different spice (rosemary, thyme, paprika, etc.). furthermore once or twice a week, i would eat out in a restaurant where the meal costs around 10$.
every friday, when i get my salary, i play some kind of game with myself. i dare myself to spend as little as possible for that week and see how far i could go.
i’m a compulsive saver. while in pasig (jon, which part of pasig did you live in?), i accumulated around 10 savings account. i still have four. in singapore, i had around five and where i live now, i have four. i usually don’t know what to buy, so i keep most of money in the banks and decide later what to buy. it takes me a long time to decide. as a result, my money stays in the banks.
December 18th, 2010 at 20:43
Isn’t Andrew Jackson on the 20 dollar bill?
December 19th, 2010 at 00:15
@ #25 atomic_bum: What is more evil is that one of my agents, who has close contact with her, would pretend to nonchalantly talk about me whenever my mole gets annoyed with her. Apparently, the mere mention of my name would make her quietly fidget and attempt to change the subject. Nyahahahaha!
But it was a good experience. Those of us who do not know how to value money should have a near-starve experience. What I learned were: 1) Money can ruin friendships; 2) Stay away from people who always find themselves in the midst of financial crises for they tend to become parasites; 3) If you really need to help out somebody, please give but make sure you have enough for your own needs. Always think of yourself in these situations and do not feel guilty that what you have given is not enough for their own needs; and 4) Save, save, save. Having extra cash is always wonderful but keep it a secret.
December 19th, 2010 at 00:30
@ #32 e-ripley: I agree. But I don’t cook. Don’t know how. But, I’m a compulsive saver as well. Been one since I was a kid but committed a bad judgment call (see #23) which nearly ruined me. My strategy is to save a fixed percentage (about 25%) of my salary every month and if I receive something extra, I save a portion(usually 30%) of that as well. Whatever happens, I don’t go beyond my set limit for expenses and lesure. I always look for ways to cut down costs and I constantly assess my spending pattern. I don’t like buying much stuff too. When I need to make a huge pay-out or purchase, I realign everything and assess my priorities. I must always stay within my spending limit and the percentage that I save must never decrease.
December 19th, 2010 at 01:38
Very helpful. I think I’m about to get broke because I just don’t know how to manage my budget. Haha. No, that’s not even funny.
December 19th, 2010 at 01:58
oh damn you’re right. That’s Hamilton on the 10.
The story’s a lot funnier and a lot less tragic when I tell it in person couldn’t quite capture how humorous i found the entire situation on paper. Mainly because the entire time in my head I knew it was going to end. This was not a permanent state and I wasn’t going to die from it, just some temporary hardship that I had to go through. Knowing that it’s definitely going to end changes the character of the situation a lot. Instead of ‘my god this is awful’ most of the time it was more like ‘man i’ve gotten myself in a bit of a bind here’ and that’s a lot easier to laugh at.
To those with the advice on saving: my dad’s been trying to teach me that for my whole life. I’m just not a disciplined person. People who move to the other side of the world on two weeks notice ‘for the hell of it’ tend not to be I imagine.
December 19th, 2010 at 02:04
jonnymo: (1) Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane? (2) It’s easy to say “You must save money” but some of us just can’t. Especially the will-take-off-at-moment’s-notice types, points to self. I call it “living by my wits”.
December 19th, 2010 at 11:47
#34 the chronicler: i so agree with number 3. if you really want to help someone, make sure you don’t need help yourself. rule: don’t ever lend the money that you know you might be needing in the future.
i was thinking, maybe the main reason you feel very bad about what happened with your ex-close friend was that she didn’t pay for the money you dearly need. worse, she didn’t manage to make up for the wrong she’s done. it wouldn’t feel as bad if the money was just a portion of your savings.
and yes, e-ripley, savings savings. it’s hard, it’s a sacrifice. but true enough, we should pay ourselves first.
if we can’t cut our spending and if it’s really hard to save money, then the solution is to find a way to increase our income. business, mutual funds, stocks. if you want safer, bonds.
December 20th, 2010 at 05:00
hi jonnymo. whew! yes, knowing that it will end soon helps a lot. glad to know it was funny/funnier for you. =) am surprised though that it’s a common situation for a lot of people, especially students in UP. i don’t think it’s right (for students to be worrying about something as basic as that instead of just studying) but i guess that’s how it is and that’s how you, jessica and countless others prefer to wing it and still succeed. i’m just not wound up that way (and i’m sure my ethnicity would explain it, haha)
December 20th, 2010 at 13:30
Thanks for the tips guys. We can learn a thing or 2 from it.
I’m kinda touch and go when it comes to saving and yes experience is the best teacher, but it’s one pain-in-the-ass lesson learned.
December 20th, 2010 at 15:23
Mr Samson (AR Samson of Business World) gave us an excellent piece of advice regarding friends and money. Do not lend money to your friends. If they are in need, give them what you can afford then forget about it. Don’t lend, give. Best policy.
December 20th, 2010 at 15:50
that’s my philosophy on giving money to friends as well. Well when I had money to give. If they want to pay it back cool if not cool too.
@#38 Jessica
My already long flight got longer as I got stuck in Seattle when my plane got delayed. At least they had free wifi throughout though, which Narita now does not have except for in very limited spots (am i misremembering or didn’t narita used to have airport wide free wifi?)