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I remember buying my CD of Closing Time ten years ago in Toronto during the film festival. I was alone, it was cold, I’d had too much coffee and seen too many movies and I still had to make my way to New York later that week. Between screenings I stepped into one of those gigantic bookstores, a Borders I think, and there was the CD staring at me. I had been listening to Tom Waits on cassettes (Remember cassettes?) supplied by friends; I owed him one. Or ten. In my hotel that night I was listening to Ol ’55 when I realized that I was lonely and happy at the same time—my favorite feeling in the world. Travel does that to you, and Tom Waits songs.

Legend has it that Tom Waits was born in the back of a taxi. I believe it.

The Glass Family stories with rubber duckies

The Yucch-meter hunkered down with a pot of coffee to read your entries to LitWit Challenge 3.12: Conversations in restaurants. It stands to reason that writing a conversation in a restaurant is an easy task since everyone at one time or another has had a conversation in a restaurant.

Reason is wrong.

#4 kracle: This is a story of a tiresome female going on and on about her exercise regimen to a disinterested party who is barely trying to be polite. Interesting premise, could be funny but isn’t. The female seems to be reading rather than speaking.

#7 ficklecattle: This is promising–almost sounds like an actual conversation–but note how one of the protagonists self-consciously explains the proceedings for the benefit of the audience. “The guy just asked you to ask me to take off my clothes, at the least, for a private show.” Apparently he knows he is a character in a story. “It’s just, well, think of it this way”. . .over-explanation, Tagalog movie style.

#8 triphammer: If your intention is to sound British you could at least get the usage right. Look up the meaning of “bint”. (Obviously this one is not a Monty Python fan.) The Yucch-meter suspects this one is a devotee of Guy Ritchie laddie movies.

#9 androidiscool: Why bother joining contests when you and your tiresome androids can just talk amongst yourselves? By all means write for yourself but when you publish it, you address an audience.

#12 johnbristol16: The Yucch-meter realizes this dialogue is meant to be cute and funny but outside of its limited audience it has the appeal of enamel being ripped off teeth.

#15 cough-syrup-junkie: So she kills her husband for a teenage rugby player and not only do they discuss it in a public place but she feels compelled to explain the details, motives, etc for the benefit of everyone who happens to be listening in. “He gave me everything I wanted. A huge house, expensive wardrobes, jewelry.” This is how it sounds in Tagalog: “Ibinigay niya ang lahat na gusto ko. Malaking bahay, mga mamahaling aparador, alahas.” Wardrobe, singular.

#19 winnerific: Blah blah blah blah blah. This kind of meet-cute story should take ten lines at most.

#20 Paul: There’s a story in there involving deals with the devil but the author is more intent on heaping abuse upon the Revihilda character than on developing the plot.

#21 aimubear: A funny take on the romantic comedy’s obsession with “destiny”. Would work better if the characters had. . .character.

#22 triphammer: Another one from the Guy Ritchie school of movie writing. Minus the logic, the coherence, and the humor.

#23 iceproof: Holy crap, a conversation about real-world concerns. Good effort. However, the Yucch-meter had a hard time understanding the prose because English words are “Filipinised” by spelling them phonetically. Of course this is perfectly acceptable to many readers. Unfortunately it is the Yucch-meter who chooses the winner.

#24 jake: Jake, Jake, Jake. You are one of the Yucch-meter’s favorite contestants. But you need to try some other schtick once in a while or Raymond Carver will rise from the grave and bite you.

#25 angus25: This is not a conversation. They are reading magazines to each other.

#26 Android No. 1 and #27 S. Mack: You have submitted the same entry under different names. In fact you have registered on this site about 20, 30 times. Subscribers do forget their passwords but 20 usernames is just creepy. The Yucch-meter declines to read your story.

#28 turmukoy: Thank you! The sound of real people! The seriousness of the characters’ tones is appropriate as they are former activists. That they are lured into capitalism via technology is both funny and true to life.

#29 Cacs: Very amusing explanation of how the world works, with a special emphasis on religion and cinema.

#30 illiterati: The Yucch-meter wishes to express her solidarity with every guy who has ever asked a girl what she couldn’t talk about on the phone and gotten, “It’s about, you know, what’s been happening between us”. We urge you to run out the door as fast as you can.

#31 Evan: Clever. The reader is not subjected to tedious explanation, yet all is clear. The Yucch-meter would like to know: Why has clever become the province of gay people? Or has it always been a gay thing?

#32 dibee: A bit overwritten, needs copy-editing, but the plot is intriguing. Perverse, sordid, with enough detail so we can see the tale unfolding in our heads even if we wish it wouldn’t. Congratulations dibee, you are the winner of LitWit Challenge 3.12.

Please post your full name in Comments and we’ll inform you when you can pick up your prizes.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

LitWit Challenge 4.1 is coming up.

dibee, you can pick up your prizes at National Bookstore in Rockwell, you know the drill.

If you listen to Tom Waits when you are miserable you feel better because you can’t possibly be as miserable as he is.

If you listen to Tom Waits when you are happy you also feel better because hot damn, that’s a blues singer.

Jonny will be awake for the meet-and-greet, we promise.

We’re planning a meet-and-greet with our straight guy columnist Jon Morales of the national men’s rugby team on Saturday, 11 December, 7-9 pm at La Cuisine in Salcedo Village, Makati.

It’s the craziest time of the year and everyone has a party to attend, but what the hell. P100 gets you beer and bar chow. If you ordered 10+ copies Twisted 9 you can collect and pay for your books at the meet (Assuming the copies are delivered by then, our toes and fingers are crossed).

Sign up in Comments.

La Cuisine is on the ground floor of Paseo Parkview, Sedeno corner San Agustin Street, Salcedo Village, Makati. It’s near Makati Sports Club and the Salcedo weekend market. On the Makati-bound side of Edsa, turn right on Buendia (Sen. Gil Puyat Avenue), left on Paseo de Roxas, and right again at Citibank. Turn left at the second intersection, which is San Agustin. La Cuisine is at the end of the street, on the left side.

Come to Cabaret Night at La Cuisine on Tuesday 7 December and Wednesday 8 December. Starring 30-year Broadway veteran Tony Mariño and his back-up all-girl trio, featuring English and French songs from the 1930s to the 50s. The show starts at 9pm. Book early! Call 501 5202 or 752 0335.

The Pinto Art Museum in Antipolo opens on December 5 at 10am. Take a short break from the holiday frenzy. Go!

How to get there:

A scene from Annie Hall. Did you know that that is Diane Keaton’s real name?

The unplanned theme of the last few days has been birthdays. Here’s someone who just celebrated his 75th: Woody Allen. I have been a fan since I saw his early movie Take the Money and Run on TV at age 10. (Channel 9 used to air it, along with Dog Day Afternoon, The Oscar, Deliverance, and the Jerry Lewis oeuvre.) The first lines I ever quoted from Woody Allen were “I have a gub” and “My father had a small piece of land” (It’s a visual joke). Some other favorites:

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you’re getting this down.”

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”

“If only God would give me some sign! Like making a large deposit into a Swiss bank account.”

Read 75 quotes from Woody Allen.

My five favorite Woody Allen movies, a constantly shifting list:
Love and Death
Manhattan
The Purple Rose of Cairo
Sleeper
Annie Hall