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Our straight guy columnist Jon Morales returns from a longish hiatus. Here is his answer to an anxious reader.

Dear Jon,

Shamefully,
Whipped

All photos from The War of the Roses starring Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas, directed by Danny De Vito.

Dear Whipped,

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a war, love is a battle, love is a growing up.”

Alright so Mr. Baldwin there was talking about something rather deeper than that girl (or guy or transgender) you just serioused two months ago after a series of promising if rather awkward dates, but I left my racial minority baggage on the other side of the Pacific (lies). Once the shine has come off and you wake up the morning after another fight over who’s meant to take out the garbage where were you last night why are you always late to everything for god’s sake where are the damn keys why are you always losing everything, rub the stars out of your eyes and start it. What is it? It is the package of dirty tricks, misdirections, and intentional misunderstandings that everyone plays at some point in a relationship, the opening and sometimes closing shots of the war.

Papering it over
When I first thought of this one I thought it was mainly the province of straight guys because this is how we deal with problems with our friends that don’t end in a punch-up. But of course it’s not. This is the faithful housewife waking up in the morning after finding the lipstick on the collar and skull-grinning her way through cooking breakfast for the kids. It’s the hen-pecked husband nervously making jokes and excuses to his friends after yet another public humiliation, ‘Oh she just gets impatient when she’s hungry. She gets hangry.’

No dear, it’s fine.

Public Undermining
Make your partner feel small and insecure by revealing embarrassing or shameful semi-private secrets in front of their friends, families, and colleagues. Enjoy the added perk of publicly demonstrating your dominance over your weak-willed partner as they try to take it good-naturedly while inside they’re steaming.

Redirect
A good tactic for when you’re losing an argument. If you’re losing an argument, just shift the ground. Fighting over who was supposed to do the dishes last night? Change the topic to those dishes your mother-in-law bought and how ugly they are and how actually they’re a symbol for how she interferes too much in your relationship. If you pull it off well enough you’ll leave your opponent, I mean partner, reeling.

So-and-so said
Want to criticize your partner but lack the guts to take ownership of the criticism? Put it in someone else’s mouth. Bonus points if they actually did say it and it’s a mutual friend that can be interrogated by your partner. This one’s a double whammy because not only do you make your partner feel bad, you get to throw a friend under the bus as well. It’s especially amusing to try to listen second-hand to the mutual friend explain the context in which they said it “Well, I mean yeah I did say that but you see….”

The fishing expedition
Evidence? What evidence? You don’t need evidence, you’re like Inspectah Deck. You’re the cat who’ll sit back and watch them play themselves, and then you’ll take them to court after that. That’s why they call you the Inspectah.

The province of the paranoid and possessive, the fishing expedition is all about making baseless accusations to watch the reaction on your partner’s face. The key is phrasing it in a way that can be taken either innocently or as an accusation depending on the inner mental state of the questioned. Of course the players (and playettes) out there will just gleefully lie to your face, while your presumably innocent partner will hopefully eventually get tired of your constant paranoia and leave you for someone less stressful to be around.

The Chase Me Routine
Throw a fit, justified or not, put your partner off, stomp away. Now walk around the corner, steam, and wait for them to come crawling back. Pretend to walk away because if you don’t walk away, well then how are they supposed to follow you? Of course if they don’t, have fun eating that crow.

The False Breakup
Relationships are about power. Love is a long-term negotiation. The only real source of power in a relationship is the credible threat of leaving. The false breakup is the next level of aggressiveness in the chase me routine. It’s a tactic for insecure power players who need constant reaffirmation that they are in charge. Bend and break your partner by constantly threatening them with ending it, follow through, then feel merciful and munificent when they beg you to take them back they’re so sorry and oh yes they’ll change because it’s worth it for you. The first time this happens is the first step on the long, spiral road of emotional abuse.

At some point everyone resorts to one or more of these or other dirty tricks in their relationships, men or women. Relationships are a constant negotiation, but one that can be undertaken in good faith. Be open, be honest, be fair, and find someone who is as well.

Recognize when you’re being leveraged and when you’re leveraging

and maybe you’ll get lucky. Jon.

* * * * *

Relationship issues? Consult our Straight Guy Columnist Jon Morales. Post your letters in Comments and Jon will get back to you.

Jon is the captain of the Nomads rugby team. You can watch their matches on these dates at Nomads Sports Club in Merville, Paranaque. The matches are usually from 2-6pm.

January 29th PRFU 10s Round 1
February 5th Philippine Dev Tamaraws vs. Barbarians side (15s)/PRFU 10s Round 2(?)
February 19th PRFU 10s Round 3 (Nomads)
March 5th PRFU 10s Round 4 (Nomads)
March 19-20 MANILA 10S