Vladimir Nabokov may be known to most people as the author of classic novels like “Lolita” and “Pale Fire.” But even as he was writing those books, Nabokov had a parallel existence as a self-taught expert on butterflies…
Read Nonfiction: Nabokov Theory on Butterfly Evolution Is Vindicated in NYT.
Our straight guy columnist Jon Morales returns from a longish hiatus. Here is his answer to an anxious reader.
Dear Jon,
Every time we have a disagreement my girlfriend threatens to break up with me. I don’t want that to happen so I always end up giving in. But we have been together for three years and she’s never broken up with me. Sometimes I wish she would. Is she manipulating me? What are the stupid dirty tricks people use in relationships?
Shamefully,
Whipped
All photos from The War of the Roses starring Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas, directed by Danny De Vito.
Dear Whipped,
“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a war, love is a battle, love is a growing up.”
Alright so Mr. Baldwin there was talking about something rather deeper than that girl (or guy or transgender) you just serioused two months ago after a series of promising if rather awkward dates, but I left my racial minority baggage on the other side of the Pacific (lies). Once the shine has come off and you wake up the morning after another fight over who’s meant to take out the garbage where were you last night why are you always late to everything for god’s sake where are the damn keys why are you always losing everything, rub the stars out of your eyes and start it. What is it? It is the package of dirty tricks, misdirections, and intentional misunderstandings that everyone plays at some point in a relationship, the opening and sometimes closing shots of the war.
Papering it over
When I first thought of this one I thought it was mainly the province of straight guys because this is how we deal with problems with our friends that don’t end in a punch-up. But of course it’s not. This is the faithful housewife waking up in the morning after finding the lipstick on the collar and skull-grinning her way through cooking breakfast for the kids. It’s the hen-pecked husband nervously making jokes and excuses to his friends after yet another public humiliation, ‘Oh she just gets impatient when she’s hungry. She gets hangry.’
No dear, it’s fine.
Public Undermining
Make your partner feel small and insecure by revealing embarrassing or shameful semi-private secrets in front of their friends, families, and colleagues. Enjoy the added perk of publicly demonstrating your dominance over your weak-willed partner as they try to take it good-naturedly while inside they’re steaming.
Redirect
A good tactic for when you’re losing an argument. If you’re losing an argument, just shift the ground. Fighting over who was supposed to do the dishes last night? Change the topic to those dishes your mother-in-law bought and how ugly they are and how actually they’re a symbol for how she interferes too much in your relationship. If you pull it off well enough you’ll leave your opponent, I mean partner, reeling.
So-and-so said
Want to criticize your partner but lack the guts to take ownership of the criticism? Put it in someone else’s mouth. Bonus points if they actually did say it and it’s a mutual friend that can be interrogated by your partner. This one’s a double whammy because not only do you make your partner feel bad, you get to throw a friend under the bus as well. It’s especially amusing to try to listen second-hand to the mutual friend explain the context in which they said it “Well, I mean yeah I did say that but you see….”
The fishing expedition
Evidence? What evidence? You don’t need evidence, you’re like Inspectah Deck. You’re the cat who’ll sit back and watch them play themselves, and then you’ll take them to court after that. That’s why they call you the Inspectah.
The province of the paranoid and possessive, the fishing expedition is all about making baseless accusations to watch the reaction on your partner’s face. The key is phrasing it in a way that can be taken either innocently or as an accusation depending on the inner mental state of the questioned. Of course the players (and playettes) out there will just gleefully lie to your face, while your presumably innocent partner will hopefully eventually get tired of your constant paranoia and leave you for someone less stressful to be around.
The Chase Me Routine
Throw a fit, justified or not, put your partner off, stomp away. Now walk around the corner, steam, and wait for them to come crawling back. Pretend to walk away because if you don’t walk away, well then how are they supposed to follow you? Of course if they don’t, have fun eating that crow.
The False Breakup
Relationships are about power. Love is a long-term negotiation. The only real source of power in a relationship is the credible threat of leaving. The false breakup is the next level of aggressiveness in the chase me routine. It’s a tactic for insecure power players who need constant reaffirmation that they are in charge. Bend and break your partner by constantly threatening them with ending it, follow through, then feel merciful and munificent when they beg you to take them back they’re so sorry and oh yes they’ll change because it’s worth it for you. The first time this happens is the first step on the long, spiral road of emotional abuse.
At some point everyone resorts to one or more of these or other dirty tricks in their relationships, men or women. Relationships are a constant negotiation, but one that can be undertaken in good faith. Be open, be honest, be fair, and find someone who is as well.
Recognize when you’re being leveraged and when you’re leveraging
and maybe you’ll get lucky. Jon.
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Relationship issues? Consult our Straight Guy Columnist Jon Morales. Post your letters in Comments and Jon will get back to you.
Jon is the captain of the Nomads rugby team. You can watch their matches on these dates at Nomads Sports Club in Merville, Paranaque. The matches are usually from 2-6pm.
January 29th PRFU 10s Round 1
February 5th Philippine Dev Tamaraws vs. Barbarians side (15s)/PRFU 10s Round 2(?)
February 19th PRFU 10s Round 3 (Nomads)
March 5th PRFU 10s Round 4 (Nomads)
March 19-20 MANILA 10S
Djokovic def. Federer 7-6 (7-3), 7-5, 6-4.
I don’t know how Djokovic beat Federer in their Australian Open semifinal. Sportswriters will write thousands of words analyzing the match to gloss over the fact that they don’t know either. Viewers can watch the replays from all angles but they won’t know either. Only The Fed and Djoker know, and it may boil down to the tiniest trifle, like a minuscule pebble in the shoe or a cryptic look from someone in the audience that one couldn’t get out of his head. Or a feather floating around the court. And causality is vasty overrated, so there could be no reason whatsoever.
In the other semifinal, Andy Murray takes on David Ferrer.
In the event of a Djokovic-Murray final, these are the factors that may affect the outcome.
1. To celebrate his victory over Federer Djokovic beats his chest so hard he breaks a rib.
2. After being reminded for the 27,458th time that Britain has not won a major tennis tournament since Fred Perry 75 years ago, Andy Murray throws his racquet at the audience, then his shirt, then his shoes, and walks off the court.
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Welcome to our new regular feature, Spot The Evil Twin. We figured that since our resident googler Brewhuh spends so much time online, we would exploit her search talents for this one.
Our first STET:
Actor Colin Farrell, now starring in Peter Weir’s The Way Back, and Gareth Holgate of the Philippine rugby team.
Brewhuh: If Gaz Holgate ever decides to change careers, he could apply to be Colin Farrell’s younger brother. Ooh, fun tackling the paparazzi.
Nominate our next Spot The Evil Twin.
Love and Other Drugs, directed by Ed Zwick and starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway. Reviewed by Bert and myself.
Review # 1. In which we inhale all the oxygen in the theatre.
Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!
Review # 2. After we have regained some of our composure.
– When did this happen! When did Jake get so gorgeous?
– See he has beautiful eyes and when he was younger he had soft features so he looked pretty but now he’s a bit older and more guy-ish.
– Also I wasn’t really looking at him in Brokeback Mountain because he played the gay man so well.
– I don’t want to be Maggie Gyllenhaal anymore because that would be incest.
– Good thing he’s broken up with Taylor Swift.
– He dated Taylor Swift?!
– Uh-huh.
– Then there’s hope for all of us!!!
– Yay!
– Wait, this might be bad news for you girls. Dating Taylor Swift. . .he could be a girl.
– NOOO!
Review # 3. In which we notice the presence of Anne Hathaway, which is a testament to her talent because we were focused on Jake.
– Anne Hathaway’s great. Oh right, she and Jake were married in Brokeback Mountain.
– She’s like Julia Roberts plus Liza Minnelli.
– She’s taken over all the Julia Roberts roles. She’s playing Catwoman in the next Batman.
– The eyes are right.
Review # 4. In which we remember the 1990s because that’s where the movie happens.
– I miss the ’90s. Strangely, I’ve been listening to Stone Roses a lot. Hey is that Liz Phair? I haven’t heard her since. . .the ’90s.
– This movie is a salad of ’90s movies. Some Jerry Maguire, some Dying Young, some Notting Hill. . .
– And it’s from the director of thirtysomething, remember thirtysomething?
– Yeah, with. . .with. . .
– I can’t remember any of their names either.
– Oh no, the music is heading towards Vonda Shepard-ness.
– NO! Play Cannonball by The Breeders. Or Lemonheads or something. Come on, you can do it.
(Vonda Shepardness happens.)
Antidote:
|
Review # 5. We have left the theatre and are walking around the mall.
– Jake has a great ass.
– And nice legs.
– Look, it’s Daniel Matsunaga.
– Whatever. Jake Jake Jake Jake Jake.
– Jake! Jake, Jake Jake Jake.
(Ernie joins us.)
– How was the movie?
– Movie?
– The movie with Jake Gyllenhaal in it.
– Oh. Right.
– Jaaake.
– Jake Jake! Jake.
Before I forget, two people from our annual “Did You Know They Were Pinoy?” list have been nominated for Oscars: Hailee Steinfeld (A reader pointed out that she is of Filipino descent) for Best Supporting Actress for her performance in True Grit, and Matthew Libatique for Best Cinematography for his work on The Black Swan. We’re trying to get interviews with both of them, will keep you posted.
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At the Nokia lunch yesterday Philstar business columnist Wilson Lee Flores pointed out the number of bus-related disasters during the Noynoy Aquino presidency.
Buses falling off cliffs.
Buses crashing into cars.
Buses in bloody hostage dramas.
Buses blowing up on the highway.
“Do you know why?” Wilson said.
“Why?” I asked stupidly.
“Because in his inaugural speech P-noy said, Kayo ang bus ko.” Har har. Just read his column.
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