Auntie Janey’s Old Fashioned Agony Column # 3
Dear Auntie Janey,
What’s the best way to deal with other people’s breakups?
I ask this because I’m the kind of person who tends to be friends with the couple, especially when I’ve known both of them as friends since the very beginning of their courtship—and especially when the relationship becomes something close to long-term. In any case, I’m always the “supportive” friend who lets them vent while I listen to their problems…but even I get the urge sometimes to slap everyone involved and tell them that they should never have let all of this go too far in the first place.
The worst part of it all is when I find out too late that the relationship has actually turned emotionally abusive…and that the person who has been confiding to me all along was, in fact, the real abuser in the relationship. (And the only thing worse than that is watching the couple put up a front to make it look like it’s all cordial between them, even though the truth about their relationship has become the proverbial elephant in the room.)
Am I a doormat for not intervening during these breakups? Or should I gauge my level of support on a case-by-case basis?
Boggled,
stellalehua
Dear stellalehua,
Everyone has a friend who is romantically involved. We suppress our shrieks and giggles at the coffee shop (or laugh out loud at the bar) as we are regaled with stories on how their date went or how a partner has done something very romantic. It’s fun! And it’s even more fun if details about sex are shared. When we see the partner in person, we cannot help but think dirty thoughts. It is inevitable that our involved friend sometimes complains about the partner: how one seems never to understand the other, how the other is so thoughtless and dense, how the other never shows enough affection, and so on.
But there comes a time when that friend begins to complain and badmouth the other with increased frequency. The other is uncouth, inconsiderate, selfish and uncaring. Then we begin to receive daily updates of how our friend is badly-treated and seemingly innocuous details are given malicious connotations. We tell our friend to break it off and to move on. We all say: “You deserve better”. They break up and then get back together. And then break up and get back together again. Every time something goes wrong, our friend comes to us and makes the same complaints. We become an unwilling audience to the reruns of a very bad drama series. We begin to entertain thoughts of hitting the couples’ heads with a very thick frying pan or wish that they’d kill themselves and leave us in peace.
What to do?
We can never intervene in these things. We can offer advice and admonition but we can never meddle unless our friend is being physically, sexually, psychologically or economically subjected to abuse, which is punishable by law. Otherwise it is none of our business. There are some couples whose relationships are held together by neuroses. They squirm and agonize but perversely, they enjoy it. They may claim to hate each other but they cannot stand to be apart from one another. They derive from each other a sense of drama. They give each other something to do and provide the illusion that something is happening in their lives. But their performance on the stage of life would be wasted without an audience. That’s where we come in.
When this happens, it’s time to be concerned. Not for them but for us. We do our best to ward off physical diseases; we should also guard ourselves from psychological contaminants. When a friend becomes toxic to us, it is time to distance ourselves. Self-interest governs all. “What kind of a friend am I if I do that?” we might ask. The truth is, we have already done our part as a friend. We have given our time, energy, sympathy and support. But no one has the right to drag us into the vortex of their problems. No one has the right to demand that if they are suffering, we should suffer too. No one has the right to mess up our lives as they have messed up theirs. We have to draw the line. Besides, a true friend respects us and never treats us like a servant, a crutch, a prop, an emotional or physical punching bag, an accessory or even a scapegoat. People forget that the foundation of friendship is respect.
Friendship is also a matter of free will. We can only hope but never ask somebody to endure with us. Nor can they make such demands on us. The words of Elrond as well as his exchange with Gimli are instructive:
“The Ring-bearer is setting out on the Quest of Mount Doom. On him alone is any charge laid: neither to cast away the Ring, nor to deliver it to any servant of the Enemy nor indeed to let any handle it, save members of the Company and the Council, and only then in gravest need. The others go with him as free companions, to help him on his way. You may tarry, or come back, or turn aside into other paths, as chance allows. The further you go, the less easy will it be to withdraw; yet no oath or bond is laid on you to go further than you will. For you do not yet know the strength of your hearts, and you cannot foresee what each may meet upon the road.”
“Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens,” said Gimli.
“Maybe” said Elrond, “but let him not vow to walk in the dark, who has not yet seen the nightfall.”
“Yet sworn word may strengthen quaking heart,” said Gimli.
“Or break it,” said Elrond.
Go now with good hearts.
* * * * *
Auntie Janey lives in the 19th century but also spends time in Middle Earth and Arrakis. Do you have urgent all-consuming relationship matters you wish to discuss with her? Post the details in Comments.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
February 17th, 2011 at 03:15
bravo, auntie janey! =)
February 17th, 2011 at 07:22
Dear Aunt Janey,
I’m a 20-something single lesbian who became a social pariah within my circle of friends because they all thought I stole a guy friend’s girlfriend.
This started a year ago when I came back from Singapore. After being away for ten years, I had no friends here but Zelda, who was a classmate back in high school in our province. It was also the time that she and her then-boyfriend-of-nine-years, Waldo, were in their break up process. Because she had the free time and I still didn’t know my way around Manila, she became my default driver and companion to wherever. Meanwhile, I befriended Waldo and became friends with all their friends, too. One day, Zelda ultimately told me the real cause of their drama: she had an affair with one of their friends and they fell in love, blah blah blah, and so she wanted out.
However, before the whole thing went finally kaput, the company I work for assigned me temporarily back to Singapore. I just signed a one-year contract with my apartment so I sublet it to Zelda, who decided to move out of their place. It was around a month before I left, so we were roommates for a while.
Fast forward to last Saturday, I ran across a couple of our friends in a coffee shop in Makati (I am in town for a conference and extended vacation). I was expecting a warm hug or something because we hadn’t seen each other in months, but I noticed they wouldn’t even look straight and gave me clipped answers.
“Where’s Zelda?” one of them asked.
“I don’t know, probably at work,” I said.
“Girlfriend mo hindi mo alam nasaan?” they chorused.
Whipped cream and green tea shot out of my tear ducts. After a vehement denial, I asked how they came to that awful conclusion. Waldo told us, they said. Apparently, during one of their final arguments, Zelda blurted that we were going out and moving in together, which coincided when I rented out my place to her. I, everybody surmised, stole Zelda and was the real cause of their breakup.
I confronted Zelda about it, and said she made that excuse without thinking (“ya think?”) and now she couldn’t take it back without leading Waldo to the truth (“he suspected I was having an affair with ____, and if I told him that I was lying about you, then he’d know about ___”).
So here are my questions:
1. How do I fix my “reputation” without telling the whole world that Zelda cheated with someone else? Part of me wants to just leave and make new friends, but they are really nice, smart and cool, and I want to keep them.
2. How do I explain myself without painting Zelda as the evil cheating bitch? Her affair with ___ is still going on up to now, so it must be love or what, but I don’t really care and that is beside the point.
3. Should I talk to Waldo instead and if people see that we’re good, then I’m good with them, too? However, I know he will want the real explanation, and it is not in my place to tell him of Zelda’s, uh, indiscretions.
Additionally, my assignment will be over by end of February, how do I kick her out of the house gently on such short notice? It’s not that I don’t want her as a roommate (she’s OC with cleanliness and a great cook–if I didn’t know about our supposed affair, I would’ve kept her as roommate), but people might still think we are together (assuming I got past telling them we are not) if she’s still around. Plus it will be awkward if I bring a date home and she’s snoring on the other side of the room.
I am caught between a rock and a two-year-old fruitcake.
Thank you.
February 17th, 2011 at 07:23
I meant Auntie Janey. Arghh.
February 17th, 2011 at 22:30
dear auntie janey,
how do you know you’re falling out of love and not just bored?
February 17th, 2011 at 22:59
Thank you, Auntie Janey, for your reassuring words – and for sharing Tolkien’s, as well. Now that I’m older and getting further away from my wilder days, it’s easier for me to understand that I don’t have to “handle” the breakups myself, as long as I start drawing the boundaries between acceptable and inexcusable behavior. And with that, I hope to start choosing what will strengthen my heart as time goes on.
February 18th, 2011 at 05:14
Dear Auntie Janey,
Are you familiar with twitter? To give you an idea:here is an 18th century version of twitter http://blogs.wsj.com/digits/2010/04/13/twitter-updates-the-18th-century-edition/
My question is, what if someone asks me out for a date via twitter and i say yes. does that mean Im easy to get?
isnt asking someone out in such a public medium as twitter the same difference as when youre in e.g. a crowded station of mrt (santolan north bound) & someone e.g. a handsome dude in the same station (but south bound) shouts & asks you if “youre free at this so-and-so day,time,year, etc.” ?
is it even proper to ask someone out via twitter? or to do courtship?
am i a prude for even thinking/asking this?
Thank you.
February 18th, 2011 at 05:15
“You may tarry, or come back, or turn aside into other paths, as chance allows. The further you go, the less easy will it be to withdraw; yet no oath or bond is laid on you to go further than you will.. ”
Thank you Auntie Janey & St. Tolkien
February 21st, 2011 at 18:10
@#2 squashcandy: I don’t think this Zelda person is nice, good and cool as you say. Setting you up as the fall gal? She does not respect you in my opinion. You cannot fully save your reputation without throwing Zelda into the mud. People are bound to ask questions. If she was not with you, who was she with? You may not tell them that she’s seeing _____ but if you want to wipe the smear off yourself prepare to use Zelda as the wet cloth.
In the end, what matters is what you value more. Your reputation or your friendship with them.