Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column # 5
Dear Auntie Janey,
Please enlighten me on this dilemma. A few years ago I suffered from what they call “best-friend-of-the-cute-guy syndrome”. I was the girl best friend and I got sick of it. Think Dawson’s Joey (although Dawson realized later on that he was in love with Joey while he was dating Jen, the new high school hottie). Guys would befriend me and I would become their buddy and “wing girl”. It was fun at first but clearly it was a recipe for emotional disaster. I had no idea how to set boundaries between me and my guy friends.
Case in point: I started having feelings for one of my guy friends. Let’s call him George. Now George was your ultimate boy-next-door type. He had impeccable hygiene, was handsome, smart and funny. The catch: he was in love with a girl who was not me. Let’s call the girl who was not me Winona. Now Winona was your typical pretty girl: body and brains by Mattel, and George could not see past that. For him, everything about Winona was cute or charming and I was this close to throwing myself in the Pasig River. Since I was the best girl bud, he expected me to help him out with everything: how to ask her out, which gifts to give, where to take her on their first date, etc. I could not bring myself to tell George about my feelings because it might destroy our friendship. This went on for months until I finally had it and just never showed my face to George again. He called and sent me messages but I didn’t reply. Last I heard he’s moved to the US with his parents. This broke my heart. From then on I never had a guy best friend again.
So my concern is: How can a girl avoid becoming the girl best friend of the guy she likes? How do we set the boundaries because clearly, some guys are really dense and they don’t get it. Thank you!!! — Babelgum
The cast of Dawson’s Creek
Dear Babelgum,
“Kahit na (kahit na)
Niloloko mo lang ako (niloloko mo ako)
Kahit na tumingin ka sa iba
Magmahal ka ng iba
Magbubulag-bulagan ako
Masakit man ito dito sa puso ko”
– Roselle Nava, Dahil Mahal na Mahal Kita
If your theme song for the state of your love life is not along the lines of Ms. Nava’s song, there is still hope for you.
The Girl Falling for Her Boy Best Friend – the theme that spawned many a TV series, movies, plays and volumes of Precious Hearts novels. Dawson’s Creek would come to the minds of people who were hormonal in the late 90’s. Or if you want to go local, just hang out at Tabing Ilog. But I am more familiar with how the protagonists in Inuyasha and Avatar: The Last Airbender turned each other into their love interests. Does anybody still remember the convoluted romance structure from Sweet Valley Middle School to Sweet Valley University?
This is the usual story: You hang out with this guy with whom you share many interests. You like the same songs, the same shows, the same movies, and even the same ice cream flavor. You make each other laugh. You get to know his flaws and his charms. One night, you lie awake in your bed waiting to fall asleep and you find yourself thinking about his charms. KABLAM!!! You are charmed by his charms. It doesn’t matter if he wears one pair of socks per week. Why should you care? The world has shifted and you now know the power Looove.
Can you turn your boy best friend into your lover? The answer is a resounding YES! But, the caveat is, your best friend should have been interested in you in the beginning or developed a romantic interest in you as your friendship progressed. How do you know if he is interested in you? He hangs around you A LOT and is always hovering around you wherever you are. He asks you if you find this or that guy attractive and even criticizes them. If you are involved with someone and you are having problems with this someone, he will encourage you to break it off and tell you that there is someone better (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). He might show signs of jealousy whenever you show interest in other guys.
How do you make your best friend declare his love for you? Simple: You make yourself scarce. If you hang out five days a week, make it twice a week. Start spending time with other people or pursuing your interests. Do not stay too long on the phone with him, do not answer all his messages, be preoccupied with many things and hang out with other boys. You get the drift. If he is romantically interested in you, he will pursue you. Do not sit him down and talk about your feelings for him. Ewwww…
A best friend is obviously not interested in you if he asks for advice about how to get a girl he likes. If you are his counselor, shrink or shoulder to cry on, you are just a best friend. Nothing more. You can also kiss your romantic fantasies goodbye if he doesn’t care if you find other men attractive. Another sure sign is, if you are involved with someone else, he will encourage you to patch up things. If he’s gay, huwag ka nang mag-ilusyon teh. Kahit anong gawin mo, hindi ka niya magugustuhan!
How do you behave around someone you desire who is within reach yet unavailable? How do you act blasé while you are devising plots to extract DNA from someone who is not romantically inclined to you? The agony is more intense than the eternal hunger and thirst suffered by Tantalus in the depths of Hades. It will drive you mad.
Save yourself and your sanity. Distance yourself from your best friend. The methods that I taught you to seduce your best friend are the same methods in saving your sanity. There is no other way. Yes, your friendship may wane a bit and you might eventually lose your status as best friend, but that’s how it is. Love can be cruel on those it afflicts.
Another concern would be: If you are interested in somebody, can you befriend him first and then turn him into your boyfriend? The answer is a resounding NO! Do not ever make the first move. If he likes you, he will woo you. If he doesn’t, he won’t care if you scamper around. Befriending someone and later attempting to turn him into a boyfriend is somewhat pathetic and desperate. Where’s your self-respect?
If you don’t believe me, that’s fine. You can channel Taylor Swift and sing to your tear-stained pillow these words every night to your heart’s content:
“If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can’t you see?
You, you belong with me, you belong with me”
Repeat until you are utterly and completely miserable. Then you will realize I am right.
The Eternal Plot: Girl likes her boy friend who likes another girl. Some Kind Of Wonderful, a John Hughes movie starring Mary Stuart Masterson, Eric Stoltz, and Lea Thompson.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
March 3rd, 2011 at 05:30
Haha, for an anime fan, I loved the Inuyasha reference! Kagome was a succer for Inuyasha.
Thank you auntie Janey, this has been an old dilemma (though the genders are reversed: it was a cute, smart girl in my case). Thankfully, I ended up doing your advice of distancing from her, without having to sing Taylor Swift.
But my Beatrice-experience (as is always the case) is boring compared to that of a friend
Here’s his dilemma: this friend of mine, who’s gay, has a best friend who was like the George that Babelgum described: the perfect boy next door. Add a touch of the slightly geeky gamer. Gay friend had the hots for him (which naturally made his poetry terrible) and he obviously thought he got something big for himself (gamer boy was not in anyone’s list at the time). And he (gamer boy) was even rumored to have been gay too (or at least bi)!
To complicate things for my gay friend, gamer boy confessed to him about a crush with a girl classmate (this is in HS, the height of hormonal activity). This gay friend likes going detective on everything, though, so instead of readily accepting the confession’s veracity, he also considered the possibility that this was just gamer boy’s defense mechanism for being rumoured to be gay. But with that same penchant for deduction, he also postulated that the people spreading the rumours could just be misinterpreting the otaku in this gamer boy as effeminate (they did do the same thing to the K-pop band Shinee). It was fun listening to my gay friend list down all the possibilities during that moment!
How did it end? my gay friend still hangs out with gamer boy, and gamer boy never really got to date that crush. But he has never ceased talking about crushes now that they’re in college (though he hasn’t dated anyone yet, either). Oh, and gamer boy is still oblivious to gay friend’s hots for him, which is still standing.
What do you recommend to my gay friend, auntie Janey? (Oh, and will you consider also tackling the problems of gays?)
March 3rd, 2011 at 05:57
“The Rules” again. *big grin*
agree with everything! just some comments:
“A best friend is obviously not interested in you if he asks for advice about how to get a girl he likes.”
– i know someone who asked Girl A to follow up with me to follow up re: my friend’s phone number. medyo nakulitan ako kay Guy. i told Girl A that Guy is probably just interested in her. they’re now married. hehe
i guess some guys would use this trick to be able to spend more time with girl AND find out about what kind of guy girl likes. at the same time, some girls wish and hope that it is just a ploy.
“If he’s gay, huwag ka nang mag-ilusyon teh. Kahit anong gawin mo, hindi ka niya magugustuhan!”
– amen to that! reminds me of advice i gave eons ago to a gay guy that no matter how in love she is with a straight guy, straight guy will not suddenly change. and yet she continued to hope and pine for him.
March 3rd, 2011 at 07:49
Excellent advice, Auntie. (Which I wish I’d heeded throughout my teens and twenties, obvs, but that’s all water under the bridge.)
The only way this advice could have been better is if it came with its own James Van Der Meme, and this one in particular:
http://www.jamesvandermemes.com/post/2829573723/the-katie-holmes-smile
March 3rd, 2011 at 07:52
It’s only now that I realize…Eric Stoltz looks gay in that poster.
March 3rd, 2011 at 10:22
I have nothing to say but damn, Joshua Jackson looks way hotter now in “Fringe.”
Off-topic: Here’s Goodnight, Dune! Gonna give this to my kid someday, if I’d have one. http://goodnightdune.com/
March 3rd, 2011 at 13:00
Thank you again, oh wise one. I will do my best to remember everything you said here.
That Taylor Swift song, uh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but my favorite part is this:
She wears short skirt
I wear T shirt
She’s cheer captain and
I’m on the bleachers
LOL!
Also, thanks Jessica for the Some Kind of Wonderful photo. Mary Stuart Masterson is fierce!
March 3rd, 2011 at 13:04
Kids, it’s time to graduate from high school. Overstaying na yan.
March 3rd, 2011 at 14:14
try to read “itazura na kiss” by kaoru tada or watch its taiwanese tv drama version “it started with a kiss” starring joe cheng and ariel lin..
March 3rd, 2011 at 15:28
Who is that girl with the short blonde hair? I always think “ooh, cute guy” but then always end up finding out that they’re a girl.
March 3rd, 2011 at 22:09
funny, i wrote my post above before lefthandedsnake’s comments got posted. =)
i found the online version of an article i read which instantly reminded me of Auntie Janey.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1354817/Playing-hard–Men-feelings-wraps-attractive.html
and yes, it is a small study. and yes, they’re probably just trying to get publicity but it’s right along the lines of auntie janey’s advice.
March 3rd, 2011 at 22:21
while googling for the article above using some key words i remembered from the newspaper, i found the guide to flirting:
http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html
thought it might be of interest to the other readers. and since it’s by the Social Issues Research Centre, it must count for something.
March 3rd, 2011 at 22:59
Jessica — Yup I did graduate. Just made a mistake of attending the reunion grrrrr T_T So glad this is all over, whew!
March 4th, 2011 at 03:59
Billy Crystal’s character in When Harry Met Sally was right: there’s no such thing as platonic friendship between a straight guy and straight girl.
March 4th, 2011 at 13:18
sunflowii – thanks for the link. May bago akong nalaman: eyebrow-flash
March 4th, 2011 at 20:13
How very timely. My girl best friend and I were just discussing my knack for falling for guy friends.
And I love “Some Kind of Wonderful” too! But I think my story is somewhere along the lines of “My Best Friend’s Wedding”.
March 4th, 2011 at 20:17
I so agree with brewhuh23 @ March 3rd, 2011 at 1:00 pm and 10:59 pm. Pasok na pasok sa banga ang mga comments mo teh!
Well in my case, fortunately, I had to “take a break” from work for 6 months. It was during this time I finally got over “things”. I’m am so ready to move on and get another job far away as possible from my old one – only to find out they want me back. Crap.
March 4th, 2011 at 23:28
#15 queen — Uyyyy My Best Friend’s Wedding…Favourite part would be when the couple were saying goodbye to everyone at the reception to go away for their honeymoon, and Julia Roberts’ character was running after Dermott Mulroney’s character to say goodbye, but never reaches him. And as she turns her back, Mulroney grabs her from behind to bid her goodbye and they hug. This is when Roberts’ character realizes that she will just be his best friend, nothing more, nothing less, and this is when I realize that I’ve reached for my 100th Kleenex, crying over this stupid scene and how chaka I get when I’m in to these mushy,romantic stuff *sniff* Cue Jan Arden’s You don’t know me. Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!
#16 miss_geek — Apir tayo teh! Mabuhay ang mga nasawi dahil sa mga lalaking kaibigang manhid pa sa kalyo ng isang taong umakyat ng bundok ng nakayapak! Cheers!