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The Yucch-meter would like to make a statement.

Do not try to be cool. If you try to be cool, that is uncool. Much of what is great in the world was thought up by people who were not considered cool in their time. We are not cool. So accept your uncoolness and embrace it.

Just tell the damn story, everything follows. Thank you.

The Yucch-meter is back from a longish break, refreshed and ready to cut off some heads. What have we got?

#1 rice_cooker. Garden-variety tale of unrequited passion set in a call center. The location is wasted: there is no good reason why this story should take place in a call center. Apparently this call center has a grand total of two employees, the narrator and the object of his desires. But our main problem with this entry: Inept figures of speech. “Piano-long fingers”—They’re 2.2 meters long?? What is she, a giant squid? She has a “coke figure”—emaciated and nervous?? You mean capital C plus bottle. “Her laugh is braying like a donkey”—Do consult the spelling and grammar checker on your word processing application, it would spare you so much grief and spare us so much annoyance.

In general something happens in a story. In this one the narrator pines from beginning to end, eliciting not sympathy but the urge to put him out of his misery.

#2 Askaniclan. Shrewdly exploits consumer fury at inefficient customer service. Actually knows something about how call centers operate. Hilarious! Not a waste of Michael’s picture.

#3 angus25. This is interesting because. . .?

#5 aimubear. Cute, but this is a caption not a story.

#6 sirius black. The reason we enforce a 1,000-word limit is not only to prevent the Yucch-meter from exploding out of sheer rage but to encourage the contestants to cultivate discipline in their writing. Control is a much undervalued quality because it does not show. And yet it is most essential when going for the effect of being out of control. Otherwise words would not be employed; all would be drool spattered on a screen.

Of course we allow contraventions of the word limit if we sense something extraordinary in the piece. One never knows where genius will turn up. Next.

#7 shadowplay. See # 3. Even if you put a bunch of words together according to the rules of grammar, it does not automatically follow that you are saying something.

#8 winnerific. This entry has aspirations. There is a potentially intriguing plot lost in a welter of words. You might try rewriting this as simply and directly as possible.

Everyone, listen. Before you can experiment you have to be adept at basic storytelling. Before he could go cubist, Picasso had to learn to draw the traditional way. How can you fracture, fragment, reinvent something if you do not know what it is in the first place?

Sure, bring up Orson Welles. Really? Is that you Orson? Show us. And bear in mind what happened to Orson Welles after Citizen Kane.

#9 Cacs. A future in which spoken language is obsolete. Good idea. We are tired of saying nice things about you. Here’s an assignment for you: Write us an ad promoting reading.

#10 ouroboros. Sound the alarm, we just heard the ring of authenticity. This narrator sounds like a human being with actual life experience. Forthright style, details chosen to elicit empathy. The final paragraphs connect the story to the photo in a humorous way. Works for us.

The winners of LitWit Challenge 5.1 are ouroboros, Cacs (you can open a bookstore now), winnerific, aimubear and Askaniclan. Please post your full names in Comments (they won’t be published) and we’ll alert you when your prizes have been delivered to National Bookstore in Rockwell.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our generous and very helpful friends at National Bookstore. We would like to thank the staff of National Bookstore at Power Plant Mall, Rockwell in particular for their courteous service, efficiency and their patience in addressing prize claims.

Next LitWit Challenge coming right up.