JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

BAKLAVA? Photo from Time Out Sydney.

We were doing annual maintenance checks on our Gaydars, the built-in sensors that tell us whether a guy is straight or gay. These are sophisticated apps that automatically react to the presence of males: dead silence for heterosexuals (which occasionally triggers the Hot Guy in the Building alarm), blips of varying loudness for disorientating orientations (“Did someone order the baklava?”), and air raid sirens that mean, “Sweetie, let’s go shopping in the girls’ lingerie department!!” (Heartbreaking when their cup size is bigger than yours.)

This app is not downloadable. It can only be developed after years of hanging out with gay men, discussing Madonna’s career trajectory with them, denouncing all Academy Awardees for Best Actress who are not Meryl Streep (except Marion Cotillard, long story), and analyzing their relationship histories (exponentially more exciting than mine). Recently I realized that I can name the stars of UFC even if I know nothing about the sport. This is because my friend and I sometimes have dinner at the bar near his house, where the TV is always tuned to UFC matches. As we cannot critique the production design, cinematography or musical score of the fights our discussion is limited to “Okay, which one is yours?”

Read the full Emotional Weather Report today in the Philippine Star.

Photo by Rickyv

Channing Tatum: cut-price steak in armor. He could go for the Russell Crowe roles but the pouty lips are distracting. Then there is the small matter of talent. Not that he’s a bad actor, but. Aiiieeeeee is the leader of the Picts Alain Delon? Is it is it is it? Naah I would’ve heard about that. They make a testudo! Clearly I am the target market for this movie: people who get excited when they see a testudo. Where did I put my Rome dvds?

Ohh Billy Elliot is all grown up. Good thing Jamie Bell doesn’t have the child star curse: he’s not a midget. Is he following the Christian Bale career model? Ayyy my friends will interpret the master-slave relationship as romantic. Well friendship between guys is complex. I’m glad I’m not a guy. Must tell Teddy-wan Kenobi about this movie, and borrow the Rosemary Sutcliff book from Tina I’m sure she has it.

Is this Scotland? Wow it’s so wild. Love Kevin Macdonald, I’ve seen all his movies. Have I mentioned he is the grandson of Emeric Pressburger, movie nerd alert? It’s not easy to make a movie about honor these days, it seems so retro. Good take on colonialism. . .Eeeeeeee is that Tahar Rahim of Un Prophete under the fearsome warrior paint? I am plotzing with joy.

Return to Ribblestrop is available at National Bookstores.

It may sound like a convenience store for frogs, but it isn’t. Ribblestrop Towers is like Hogwarts for Out of Control Youths a sneeze away from juvenile hall. They have 13-year-olds who keep guns under their pillows, chain-smoking vandals who blow smoke rings, “reformed psychopaths” with a history of arson, and kids who lace their cocoa with rum. None of the kids are physically unharmed for long, and they don’t seem to mind.

It goes without saying that I was an instant fan of the first Ribblestrop. I was wet with anticipation as I started reading the sequel, Return to Ribblestrop. Just when I thought that the magic, er, charming misdemeanor peaked in the first book, Return to Ribblestrop bulged with insane doses of that same absurd spontaneity. I was in love all over again.
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The Guardian’s interactive guide to how earthquakes happen.

Our thoughts are with the people of Japan.

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NYT: Huge Quake and Tsunami Hit Japan.

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An excerpt from After the Quake (stories)
by Haruki Murakami

Five straight days she spent in front of the television, staring at crumbled banks and hospitals, whole blocks of stores in flames, severed rail lines and expressways. She never said a word. Sunk deep in the cushions of the sofa, her mouth clamped shut, she wouldn’t answer when Komura spoke to her. She wouldn’t shake her head or nod. Komura could not be sure the sound of his voice was even getting through to her.

Komura’s wife came from way up north in Yamagata and, as far as he knew, she had no friends or relatives who could have been hurt in Kobe. Yet she stayed rooted in front of the television from morning to night. In his presence, at least, she ate nothing and drank nothing and never went to the toilet. Aside from an occasional flick of the remote control to change the channel, she hardly moved a muscle.

Continue reading UFO in Kushiro.

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Tsunami Alert 2: Mandatory Evacuation. Stay away from the beach. Cagayan, Ilocos Norte, Isabela, Quezon, Aurora, Camarines Norte, Camarines Sur, Albay, Catanduanes, Sorsogon, Northern Samar, Eastern Samar, Leyte, Southern Leyte, Surigao del Norte, Davao Oriental, Davao del Sur. Be safe.

Read my column in InterAksyon.com.

Apropos of the Madonna vs Cyndi Lauper discussion: How come KC Concepcion is more beautiful and sophisticated than her mother but her career has not yet achieved Sharon megastar proportions?

How Not to Be a Jerk With A Cellphone. How not to be a jerk: there’s no help for that.

Facebook a top cause of relationship trouble, say US lawyers

When Facebook gets involved, relationships can quickly fall apart – as Hosni Mubarak and Muammar Gaddafi have discovered. But dictatorships are not the only ties being dissolved by social networking sites: now Facebook is increasingly being blamed for undermining American marriages.

“We’re coming across it more and more. One spouse connects online with someone they knew from school. The person is emotionally available and they start communicating through Facebook,” said Dr Steven Kimmons, a clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor at Loyola University Medical Centre near Chicago.

Read the report in the Guardian.