Thor: In which we get hammered by love
I confess I always found Thor the superhero ridiculous: the costume, the high elocution, the relationship with that creepy Loki, the hammer, the theme song of the ancient Marvel cartoons (“You behold in endless wonder/The god of thunder/Mighty Thor!”). So what if he’s the god of thunder—thunder doesn’t have the destructive force of lightning, it’s just impressive. True, he’s not half as ridiculous as the Submariner or Aquaman, who are basically useless on dry land.
So I wasn’t exactly dying to see Thor, the movie directed by Kenneth Branagh. (This is a lapsed fan of Branagh. His directorial career opened with a bang then fizzled out, although he’s still a brilliant actor in projects like Wallander.) The trailer was corny and unappetizing, and Natalie Portman seemed to be doing a Halle Berry—following an Oscar-winning movie with a dumb superhero flick. And why wasn’t Karl Urban cast as Thor when we know he looks fabulous with long blonde hair?
Then we beheld Chris Hemsworth.
What can I say, I’m shallow.
The first thing you have to know is that there is no appreciable difference between the 3D and 2D versions. Even in two measly dimensions Chris Hemsworth’s body will still be in 3D, so save the extra hundred or so pesos.
The second thing is that Thor is cheese, but it’s good cheese. It is not the processed cheese food snack that most action flicks offer, it is Camembert, Brie, Mascarpone! Who knew that Kenneth Branagh could make a compelling action movie? He has taken all the silliness of the Thor comic book and given it a Shakespearean dimension (Loki, the villain presumptive played straight by Tom Hiddleston, has the most interesting conflict). And the silliness is addressed directly. It’s always bothered me how, in the movies, no one points out the strangeness of costumed superheroes walking amongst us. Here the townspeople stare at the visitors from Asgard (Beavis: She said Asgard, uhh-huh.) with their swords, armor and capes, and give them a wide berth. In search of transportation, Thor walks into a pet shop. Natalie Portman as Jane the astrophysicist sees Thor in full regalia for the first time and says, “So this is your usual look?”
The third thing is that apart from Portman there’s Ray Stevenson our beloved Titus Pullo from Rome as one of Thor’s friends, Idris Elba that extremely fine Stringer Bell from The Wire as the gatekeeper of Asgard, Anthony Hopkins as Thor’s father Odin (He has one eye covered, so he’s only half-overacting), Colm Feore as the leader of the Frost Giants. The guy with the crossbow is Jeremy Renner debuting as Hawkeye of The Avengers (Nerd thrill!). And there’s Stellan Skarsgard and Kat Denning from Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist as Jane’s research team.
The main thing is Chris Hemsworth.
Here’s the real review by Noel, Ricky and me.
– (Thor appears onscreen for the first time and our voices drop two octaves.) KOOOOOKAAAAAA.
– GMO I mean MOG I mean you know what I mean.
– Chus says he’s half-Pinoy.
– I don’t think he’s half-Pinoy.
– He’s half-maganda and half-divine!
– Look at his feet! They’re beautiful!
– (Thor: I need sustenance!)
– That’s how I’m going to order in restaurants from now on. Bring me sustenance!
– And his voice! That laugh!
– (Thor drinks coffee, likes it, and smashes the cup to show his appreciation.) Haaaaaaaaayyyyyy.
– (Despite our befuddlement we do not fail to notice the shot in which the hero looks up at the sky with arms outstretched and cries, Nnoooo!) Hahahahahahahahaha!
– (Faced with a seemingly unbeatable enemy, Thor declares: I have a plan.)
– (Clutching seatmate) May plan siya!
– This movie gets five stars!
– Hindi lang five stars, Thor is beyond the stars!
Afterwards, the electromagnetic impulses in our brains still scrambled from exposure to Chris Hemsworth (Oh no, we forgot to stay till after the credis, they always have some Avengers teaser at the end, now we’ll have to watch Thor again!) we staggered out of Greenbelt cinema and claimed the free-with-movie-ticket scoops of ice cream which we ate while walking. We did not taste anything, we had to sit down, order caffeine and discuss Chris Hemsworth some more.
– I know it’s cheesy but when Thor and Mjolnir were reunited I got teary-eyed.
– You didn’t get teary-eyed when he took off his shirt? Even out of fear?
A friend walked into the restaurant.
– I’m just making dinner reservations.
– We’re just discussing Thor.
– Ohhh! May I join you?
– He’s amazing.
– I just kept staring at his nose. What a lovely nose.
– Is Thor the number one movie? Quick, check the grosses.
– Box-office results not on the internet yet.
– Then we must watch the movie again to ensure that it is a blockbuster!
– I am taking my nieces and nephews to see it tomorrow.
– It’s General Patronage.
– Children, enjoy the movie while I see what I came to see. That’s it, I’m buying the tickets now.
– Can I wait that long? Maybe I should go now.
– Thursday is now officially my favorite day. (Thor’s Day)
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
May 1st, 2011 at 00:21
They just had to restrain themselves didn’t they? Only one very brief scene in which Chris walks around shirtless. True, he got soaked in the rain, a perfect opportunity for his body to show through the wet shirt, but no, he just had roll around in the mud.
May 1st, 2011 at 00:51
this makes me want to watch this movie.. as a reward for spring cleaning..
May 1st, 2011 at 01:09
Jessica, sorry for the wrong info. Wala syang dugong Filipino. Meron pa syang kapatid na lalake na actors din pero si Chris ang pinaka-yummy.
May 1st, 2011 at 01:11
Chus: Ayyy yung kapatid niya ay na-link kay Miley Cyrus. Hindi bale. The hotness of Chris cleanses his entire gene pool!
May 1st, 2011 at 04:22
Funny how a massive dose of pretty basically scrambles your brain. Oh man, he can pound me with his Mjolnir anytime.
May 1st, 2011 at 10:42
The actress who plays Sif played praning Jessie XX in the Hallmark-y TV show Kyle XY. But shouldn’t Sif have golden hair?
May 1st, 2011 at 10:46
Nothing for Marvel-fan-from-the-very-beginning-but-hetero me? I think not.
May 1st, 2011 at 11:23
Saw Thor last night, expecting the droll, unsmiling blonde from the Marvel comics. Nice surprise, this makeover! And it was great to overhear some kids (who had probably never heard of Thor until yesterday) declaring how they intended to google the Norse god and learn more.
But somehow I thought Loki was cuter–even as a kid. :)
May 1st, 2011 at 14:39
Fenring,
I know straight Marvel fans who loved the movie.
May 1st, 2011 at 20:53
Awww, you need to see the stinger after the credits! Quite juicy Avengers plot point is revealed! The movie was awesome — I got that I-need-to-see-it-again effect, uh, after seeing it.
May 1st, 2011 at 21:54
Thank you, ricky! I saw it earlier today and I love it!
May 2nd, 2011 at 00:14
Bakit wala yatang nakapansin ke Chris sa Star Trek? Ay oo, naka-uniform nga pala sya doon bago na-tsugi… Next week na lang ako manonood pag palabas sa Walter Mart Munoz… Pag nagandahan ako, I’ll pay for one ticket (around 12:30PM) then watch it again and again til the cinema closes at around 10:30PM(kungdi single viewing!).
May 2nd, 2011 at 09:56
I liked the half-nakedness, pero nabother ako sobra dahil may Asian Warrior/God sa Asgard. hahahaha. (not to mention a black Heimdall). Apparently, Asians and Africans worship the norse gods too.
May 2nd, 2011 at 10:35
Qsdn: The pan-ethnic Asgard makes perfect sense because the Asian and African markets are huge haha. Mas na-bother ako na walang tao sa Asgard kundi ang barkada ni Thor.
May 2nd, 2011 at 20:38
Things I learned in watching Thor (2 times now)
– Chris Hemsworth is smoldering!!! *swoon* Can we have another word please? (HOT!) Thank you! Another word please! (Uhm, HOT?!) Oooookay!
– I heard myself say “You are soooo handsome” at every scene of Chris with Natalie Portman
– Kenneth Branaugh, kulang ng close up shots!!!
– Ganda ng mata niya!
– My friend’s fiance’ remarked Chris looks like a prince in real life. They almost had a fight because my friend thinks not, HA!
– The one thing that irks me the most in cinemas aside from loud, obnoxious people calling on their mobile phones and sending text messages would be people putting on SALONPAS for all the theater to smell! Nakakasuffocate ha!
Well, it was all ChrisHemsWORTH it!
May 2nd, 2011 at 23:32
JZ: True. that really is bothering. where are all the valkyries and beer-guzzling warriors?
May 2nd, 2011 at 23:33
and seriously, ang landi ni Natalie Portman sa movie. ahhahahahaha. but then, we can’t blame her, since everyone related with her kalandian too.
May 2nd, 2011 at 23:39
Ok, this is the third comment >_< But aaah! I wiki'd chris helmsworth and his brother Liam was the original finalist for Thor and not him. Tapos may isang brother pa siya si Luke. Just imagine – three Chris Helmsworths!
It's like Letts, Letts and Letts or Saunders, Saunders and Saunders, you can never have too much.
May 3rd, 2011 at 05:49
the battlescene between thor and the destroyer was, I think, abrupt…however it is still something I am going to watch again.
I really gasped when he took off that shirt that my boyfriend had to cover my mouth because I was overacting. but Thor’s body had overacting muscles that they deserve an overacting gasp! (note: don’t watch this with boyfriend/husband. you can’t get your freedom to drool, gasp, or scream in delight.) i missed the post scene after the credits so i might as well watch it again plus i also need sustenance (breaks the cup)!!
Thor hammered my dreams.not only is he the god of thunder but he is also the god of muscles!
May 3rd, 2011 at 09:26
Why is Chris Hemsworth so adorable? Natalie Portman’s Jane was *kinikilig* throughout the movie.
May 3rd, 2011 at 16:16
Everytime I see goodlooking guys I feel like wanting to tear my hair completely. I want good looks more than brains para bongga! (joke lang) :D
May 10th, 2011 at 23:36
Best review ever on Thor! Thanks, Ms Zafra :-) The others are either way too critical/scholarly or way too critical/shallow. In short, they cannot be pleased (people, pls get a life!) I agree with brewhuh23 — it was all chris hemsWORTH it! hehe…I love Kenneth Branagh for making Thor more humane for us mere mortals…and yet more cultured despite the hammer-throwing. Im afraid what really makes this cheesy is because it is half-baked (lasagna?): the attempt to make Thor more heroic is not as convincing. The heroism sounds too Hollywood for it to even come close to what heroism is all about. But at least, they attempted. Sometimes the animated films get it better than the live action films…kakaloka! Thor’s sudden change of heart and the sacrificial love for Jane after, what, a few days of having known each other? It’s not too convincing. But the ending made up for it when Thor chose Asgard and the kingdom over coming back for Jane. That was really close! Whew! :-) But I liked that Jane was a passionate astrophysicist…cool! :-) I dont blame her for swooning so openly…helmsworth’s bod was truly to die for! I heard loud gasps in the theater when he came out shirtless. (Do they plan to kill us by doing this ? ;-)