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We sent our intrepid correspondent Momelia to Newport Theatre at Resorts World Manila to see Kaos, the Vegas-Broadway spectacle. Here is his full report.

**There was this row of Koreans seated directly behind us. I think it was during Act Three that I looked back at Prince Walter who was suddenly in the middle of the audience; the performers scattered themselves amongst the audience from time to time. Anyway, as I turned I saw this Korean lady, she was about 24, and her eyes were beaming at the goings-on onstage. I really can’t blame her. Kaos had me simultaneously smiling and spaced out myself.

What do you get when you have a Prince from the medieval past, a Princess from the year 3000, a scheming Vizier, and a White Lion? And then you throw in some amazing vocal pipes, magnificent costumes, and a Euro LED wall. While you’re at it, add long-legged European dancers, acrobats from China, muscle men from Istanbul, and the Philippine All-Stars. Then pitch in a grand set and The Manila Symphony Orchestra. And maybe some VIP tickets, too? What you get is the two-hour spectacle that is Kaos, and you best get it soon because it all ends on May 31.

I was assigned to review Kaos, and I accepted the assignment with some secret reservations because I have this inner dislike for musical theater. It was never one of my gay strengths. The last play that I saw was in college. I was in UST then, and we were to review a production of I think it was Joseph the Dreamer. But I could be wrong because it was more like Audience the Dreamer. It was a sleeper hit, the other kind. I accepted this assignment only because it came from the Mistress of the Universe.

So I went to the Newport Theater in Resorts World and braced myself. I was prepared for the worst. The curtains crawled up to reveal this winking, dismembered head of a White Lion. And then he starts narrating the story in this authoritative drawl. What interesting weirdness! I supposed I could loosen up a bit. Act One began with this festive whirl of velvets, reds and golds in The Royal Courtyard. We are introduced to Prince Walter (the Hero), Lord Gordon (the Vizier), King Leon, and this pair of lady courtiers, one of whom was this tall dude with too much eyeshadow on. I have to mention these two; they were the show’s recurring ice breaker.

Act One heated things up with daring feats of gymnastics and this couple doing a form of distilled dirty dancing on this length of cloth. Those Chinese acrobats are exceptional. But it got better.

There was this bit where Princess Felina, a candidate for Prince Walter’s affections, got shot off a cannon, and she magically reappeared in this glass cage. They suspended this cage in mid-air and covered the cage with drapes, then a few seconds later she turned into a white tiger! Sure I’ve seen this trick performed on TV millions of times, but the illusion looks different up close. Now I know why some people like these types of performances even though they’re well aware that it’s a set-up. It’s like Professional Wrestling, really.

Act One was about Prince Walter finding somebody to love. He held this grand audition for prospective wives. And it didn’t get any clearer after that production on the same Queen song. By and by, Giselle the princess-heroine appeared in this magical portal that sucked most of the population of the Royal Courtyard. The stage grew dim, and that concluded Act One.

Act Two took place in The Future, and it was heralded by this insane, wheel-of-death kind of contraption. Imagine a large metallic pendulum with two wheels, the kind you see in a gerbil’s cage, at both ends. And the pair of daredevil performers who worked those wheels could have been circus hamsters in their past lives. Get this—one of them was blindfolded, and the other one skipped rope while that pendulum moved clockwise with increasing speed! It was intense, I tell you, and this was the kind of breathtaking, edge-of-your-seat daring that got me screaming like the honorary girl I am.

Act Two was about Prince Walter and Princess Giselle falling for each other. It was the Past meeting the Future in the middle of these European Goddesses and pop-locking Filipino hip-hop dancers. And it easily surpassed the standards of wonder raised by Act One. But I was not that sold on Walter and Giselle singing love songs to each other. It kind of dampened the mood for me. They were preceded by amazing acrobatic stuff—a princess getting shot out of a cannon, two tigers and daredevil human hamsters. There was this segment where these two lovebirds just sang of their undying love for each other, and there was not even a moving backdrop to get some very specific members of the audience distracted. The least they could have done was to sing a duet on a flying carpet, but no.

The King banished the Vizier because he sent them to the future. That was Act Three It turned out that the Vizier had his own designs on Giselle; he kidnapped Walter’s girlfriend and locked her up in this dungeon. Walter rescued Giselle with the help of the White Wizard and his Sequined Vest. Act Three might as well be the Final Act, because it concluded in this anticlimactic final battle that parallels that boring duet in Act Two. Anyway the forces of good triumph, and Prince Walter went back to the past with his Princess Giselle.

The White Lion’s winking, dismembered head reappeared. And he told us how the story ended with Walter and Giselle reunited, and how they “brought all the lessons they learned with them,” and how it’s all “part of the great cycle of life.” I am honestly not making that up.

All that time, they were installing this huge steel ball in the middle of the stage. Imagine an industrial-grade sweepstakes machine made of heavily-reinforced steel. And then instead of the winning numbers, picture a motorcyclist moving upwards, sidewards, this way and that as he rides inside that globe at dangerous speeds. Now imagine five of those cyclists engaged in this troubling choreography, all at the same time. Five of them! At the same time! Now picture that steel globe splitting in two, its upper half moving upwards with those five cyclists still trying to maintain their velocities.

It’s Centrifugal Force and the Cycle of Life. This was the last hurrah. Honestly, the metaphor’s lost on me, but could those devils stir up an audience!

The cast included top brass performers led by Gian Magdangal. Half-Pinay Martha Joy of Canadian Idol fame did justice to the character of Princess Giselle. The Spanish master illusionist Enrique Polo tamed the cats and shot a princess out of a cannon. Kaos had motorcyclists from Spain and Brazil, daredevils from Columbia, musclemen from Belarus, acrobats from China, and the Philippine All-Stars.

And then there were those European dancers. Ah, if you could have seen those fair goddesses in action! Their long hair moved with their dancing, their legs were slender, their faces divine. These women were so beautiful that for a while there, I imagined I could be a closeted straight guy.

Now let me take a moment to reflect on that pair of comely muscle men from Belarus and their tight pants. Never have I seen such prime examples of the male persuasion in such symmetry. They made several appearances in the course of the show. They were part of Princess Oceana’s entourage, and they were also the Vizier’s henchmen. They had strong arms, beautiful faces, and exceptional muscle control. And they were muscled in all the proper places, too. They were such a lovely pair that a prayer was in order:

Oh Lord, grant me the courage to resist temptation and these unwashed thoughts, but not yet.

Whoever was in charge of costume design deserves his own coronation. The medieval finery employed in the Kingdom of Kaos seemed to have come straight out of a deck of Tarot cards, while the characters from The Future wore outfits that had expressed Lady Gaga’s couture philosophy. I had a particular fondness for those ballgowns that were lined with lightbulbs; they were thoroughly spellbinding!

Kaos had two dogs, an orange tiger, a white tiger, and a white lion. The dogs were cute, but those cats were fearsome! I especially liked that part when the White Tiger appeared on stage. The White Magician threw a pound of meat into the audience, and some gay dude in the VIP section caught it. The White Tiger, out of instinct, let out this terrible roar, flashed that set of knives it had for teeth, jumped off the stage and went for its prize. No, I’m kidding. That didn’t happen, but imagine the devilish fun if it had.

The bass in that place is just tremendous. Props and two snaps in a circle for The Manila Symphony Orchestra.

Kaos had so much wonderment in it that it can export the excess for profit. It is equal parts manga flair, superhuman athleticism, beautiful people, cats, and couture. The perfect execution made the P988 Upper Balcony tickets (the farthest from the stage) look dirt cheap.