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Consolata and I were talking about meanness. “I was much meaner when I was younger,” said Consolata.

“You mean before Frodo threw the Ring into the fire??” I asked.

How do you know Sauron is a bitch? Because he looks like a flaming vagina.

Consolata mentioned the time that he (Yes he is a he) had an assistant who was a college graduate but had no idea what percentages were. “One-fourth is what percent?” he asked, and the assistant wrote “14%”. “I want you to go to each of your teachers in elementary school, high school and college and apologize,” Consolata declared. “Tell them you wasted their time.”

But Consolata’s meanness—more crankiness really—was provoked. We recalled The Meanest Person We’ve Ever Heard Of. This man noticed that in his garden a bird had built a nest in a tree. The bird had laid three eggs in the nest and was incubating them. One day when the bird flew off in search of food, the man took the three eggs and hard-boiled them. Not to eat, which might have made sense. No, he put the hard-boiled eggs back in the nest. To see if the bird would continue incubating them.

That’s Mean. Then there’s that South American football player who kicked a bird that had landed on the pitch during a match. The bird had fallen because it was injured. It died.

The other day I heard a story that fits right here. A man had gone to the tennis courts and, having no one to play with, hired one of the ball boys to practice hitting with. The ball boy must’ve been in his 30s. In the middle of the game the ball boy suddenly keeled over. Massive heart attack. The other ball boys tried to revive him, but he was dead before they could get him to a hospital.

Then the man who had hired the ball boy said, “Is there another ball boy I can hit with?”

“That is Mean,” Consolata conceded. “Or is he just extremely insensitive? Very low EQ?”

“Maybe he’d paid for a two-hour session and the two hours weren’t up yet.”

“So the contract had not been fulfilled.”

In any case we’re glad we only know hilarious bitches.

Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Why she was mean: She wasn’t invited to the princess’s baptismal party so instead of a gift she issued a curse. Not coughing up a present would’ve suffice.