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While reading Worst. Song. Ever. by Akim Reinhardt in 3 Quarks we found ourselves chuckling, grimacing, and composing our own list. (In fact we published a list years ago in Today but don’t know where our copy is.)

The nominees are…

* Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. Here is the abomination rendered as a flowchart by Jeannie Harrell.

and the literal video version:

Nothing inspires cleverness like stupidity.

* Making Love Out Of Nothing At All by Air Supply, which we suspect is the same song as TEOTH, above.

* The Power Of Love by Celine Dion, which is the same song as TEOTH and MLOONAA, above. When she gets to “I’m your ladeeeeeeeh you are my maaaaaaaaaaaan” the enamel gets ripped off our teeth.

* The one where the guy finds a diary underneath a tree and starts reading about himself only it turns out to be someone else, freaking idiot. Tied with that other crime against humanity which asks, “If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you?” Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hand me that fork. Both songs perpetrated by a band called Bread.

* I’ve Never Been To Me. Although it doesn’t make us violent, just hysterical.

* And the song that makes us run amuck: What’s Going On What’s Up by 4 Non Blondes. When we hear the “Hey-ay-ay” chorus that’s when the body count rises.

To wipe those off your mind, listen to this brilliant stupid song we loved as a kid.

Maleficent

We’ve noticed your fixation on Disney characters, so this challenge is for you. In 1,000 words or less, write us a story about a terrible curse and how it is banished. Something along the lines of “You will prick your finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die before the sun sets on your sixteenth birthday.”

The prize is a hardcover copy of Moondogs by Alexander Yates.

Deadline: 12 noon on Sunday, 2 October 2011.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

There aren’t many novels by foreign authors set in the Philippines. There’s Cryptonomicon, Neal Stephenson’s massive, genius novel about a crypto-hacker who plans to build a data haven in the Philippines. The description of the protagonist’s walk from the Manila Hotel to Luneta tells us that the author was in town to research his location.

The Blue Afternoon, a novel by the British author William Boyd (A Good Man In Africa), is set in Manila at the turn of the 20th century, but we’re not entirely convinced he was here. Years ago we heard that Brian De Palma wanted to do a film adaptation—Mr. De Palma, call us. The Tesseract, Alex Garland’s novel set in Manila and reportedly written in Quezon province, was adapted for film (Yay!) but relocated to Bangkok (Booo).

Now there’s Moondogs, a novel about the kidnapping of an American businessman in the Philippines that readers have described as “Tarantinoesque”. For starters the perps are a taxi driver on meth and an evil rooster, and the crack force that is out to find them is endowed with supernatural powers. That sounds Pinoy all right, but how well does the author, Alexander Yates, know the Philippines? Has he even been here?

Oh yes, Alexander Yates has been here. He lived here, went to high school at IS Manila, and worked as a contractor in the US Embassy, where his job included reading stacks of Philippine newspapers dating back to the early years of the Marcos era. We spoke to Yates at the 32nd Manila International Book Fair, where he was one of the featured authors.

Read Moondogs Barking in the Tropical Sunshine in Emotional Weather Report, today in the Philippine Star.

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ATTENTION: The winners of the Weekly LitWit Challenge 7.0: What would you say to your 10-year-old self?

kratienza, Evan, noelz, Momelia, stellalehua and jeromeshuny: You can pick up your prizes beginning Tuesday, Sept 27, 2011 at the Customer Service Counter of National Bookstore at Power Plant Mall, Rockwell, Makati. Their number is (02)8974562. We’re leaving six books, one for each of you: pick the book you like best. Obviously the last one to get their book gets the title everyone else passed on. And we’re not going to tell you what the titles are. It’s a surprise!

The Weekly LitWit Challenge (and our interview with Alexander Yates) is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

Today All Blacks Captain Richie McCaw becomes the first New Zealand player to earn 100 test caps.

And Brewhuh will be there to shred our eardrums! We were all set to watch the Rugby World Cup games at a nearby sports bar, but when we tried to make a reservation yesterday we found that they would be airing the UAAP matches instead. So we’re crashing at Jackie’s place and holding her giant flatscreen TV hostage while the fabulous Andresa hand-feeds us snacks she made herself. Hey, might as well get comfortable! Bru, don’t forget the beers, they have to be perfectly chilled as Auntie Janey will not abide ice cubes in beer.

The game will be aired on ESPN Star Sports at 1620. The signal on the 42nd floor permitting, we’ll be blogging the game with match commentary from Jaime in the US, Gaz in Japan and Jon in Alabang which is so far it’s practically another country, and pointless remarks and side stories from Auntie Janey, Brewhuh and ourselves. See you at 1600 hours?

(If we don’t get a signal, we’ll run downstairs after the match and post the entries.) Guess what color we’re wearing??

* * * * *

Names of Brewhuh’s future children
1. Coco McCaw
2. Marco “Mako” McCaw
3. Lechon McCaw
4. Lutong McCaw
5. Mokong McCaw

* * * * *

We’re all set!

Andresa is setting up for a party tonight, we’re trying to get out of her way. We’re also her volunteer food tasters.

And look who’s joining us! Wearing les couleurs of France. (For some reason we’re always hexing France haha.)

* * * * *

AND WE’RE OFF! New Zealand in black, France in blue. Joining us via text are Jon Morales, captain of the Nomads, and Jaime Augusto Zobel de Ayala, overlord.

Auntie Janey: In the interest of fairness I shall root for France.

Brewhuh: Eeeeeeeee it’s my husband!

Me: Danieeeeeeeeeel!

Andresa: Teka, namimili pa ako ng bet.

Auntie Janey: Star Sports is unfair! They did not focus on the faces of France. Vive le desserts!

Me: You can’t just stand there while the Kiwis do the haka. Counter with ballet! Can-can!

Brewhuh:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 1:47 pa lang pagod na ako.

Me: Bakit palaging nasa France ang bola!

Auntie Janey: Dahil bongga sila!

Jaime (it’s 4:30 am where he is): Was in a panic, could not find it among the 1,000 US channels. On now. Phew! French starting strong.

Jon: France doing all the attacking. All Blacks struggling early. French need to come away with something after all this early pressure.

Brewhuh: Get off my husband! Kailangan pa kaming magka-anak ng lalaking yan!

Jaime: Beautiful kicking…unusual tactic at this level.The French being imaginative…and unpredictable. Amazing pressure from France. All possession from their side.

Brewhuh: What a view! Topshot! Hi!

Me: Akin yon.

Brewhuh: Yung isa. Diba, ang shoray!

TRY TO NEW ZEALAND!

Andresa: Iyo yung number 10? Ang cute niya, congrats!

Jon: Great scrum by the All Blacks to draw the pen, think we’ll see some attacking now.

Jaime: There you go, Nonu with a great setup.

Jon: Told ya. See that so often, team pressures pressures pressures, comes away with nothing, suddenly gives up a score…French fullback making some strange non-kicking decisions.

Auntie Janey: Is that man taking off his shorts right in front of the camera?

Jon: The blues suddenly struggling very badly. Blue lineout looks quite solid though.

Jaime: You can tell everyone is tense as hell. Both sides want this BADLY.

ANOTHER TRY TO NEW ZEALAND! 10-0 All Blacks! My boyfriend converts for 12-0!

Jon: Black back line defense vicious! Fucking amazing inside run. Such a good line. Blues need something dramatic soon.

Jaime: Did you see Nonu attract two players with a fake…Gods!

Brewhuh: Go Jonah! Parang childhood friends lang kami. (Note: She meant Ma’a Nonu. Na-flashback siya sa kakatili.)

ALL BLACKS 17-0! 19-0!

Jon: It’s a rout! Blacks backs so dangerous with ball in hand where other teams have to kick to gain territory the Blacks can run and hold possession. Blues have to find a way to slow this game down, hit fringe runners, not give up possession and tighten the style of play.

Jaime: Very interesting how the coach uses Nonu. Strong player that needs two men to mark him. When they get used to doing this they create a fake, the same two men go for him and a gap is created.

Jon: How Oz beat the Blacks in Bledisloe Cup was by hitting fringes 5, 6 phases in a row. Problem is that Blues are giving away too much weight in pack.

Jaime: The French have a Wolfman…

Jon: Slowest counter-attack ever!

Brewhuh: Kamukha ni Richie Sambora yung isang Pranses. Why do I have Bon Jovi references?!

Jon: Blacks up tempo on both defense and attack, creating so much pressure. France desperately need to stop playing run and gun.

Jaime: Uncharacteristic bad ball handling by All Blacks, but they recover well.

Brewhuh: Itong French, konting kibot injured.

Auntie Janey: Sensitive kasi sila! Brutal kasi kayo, dinadala sa dahas!

Brewhuh: Tama ba na ginamit na pang-sangga ang ulo niya?

Me: Love the super-topshots in the scrums!

Jon: Blues cannot make any one-on-one tackles, Blacks making gain line almost every ball.

Fake paparazzi photo

Jaime: Nonu faked again…amazing!

PENALTY TO FRANCE, 19-3 ALL BLACKS IN THE LEAD.

Jon: That was a dive. If that’s what it takes for the Blues to turn it around though, can’t fault it.

Auntie Janey: Is that New Zealand’s tactic? Rubbing their crotches in France’s face??

HALFTIME!

Jaime: Good first half.

Me: Ang shoshoray lang ng rugby commentators natin ha.

Auntie Janey: My advice to France: Look inside yourselves. Yeeeeeeeeeeee.

Jon: Imagine it will be a much tighter second half. France must change game plan, stop spinning wide where they’re getting turned over and keep the ball tight, not kick unless absolutely necessary. Starve New Zealand of possession and start getting points on the board even if it’s penalties.

TRY TO THE ALL BLACKS! 24-3.

Jon: Stop kicking!

Me: Haaay ang panga ng boyfriend ko. Yes! 26-3.

Jon: I was wrong about the second half. I didn’t imagine the French coach would be so dumb as to not change strategy.

* * * * *

PENALTY TO THE ALL BLACKS. Dan converts for 29-3.

Auntie Janey: Basta France, sabi ni Winston Churchill, Never give up!

Brewhuh: Pag nagtataas si Richie ng shirt, para sa akin yon.

Me: Ayan, di niyo kasi sinali si Chabal.

Brewhuh and Me: Bella Flores laughter.

Jaime: Great series of plays.

FRANCE GETS ONE! Their Oscar de la Hoya lookalike converts. 29-10.

Jaime: Bit of luck…nothing more.

Gaz: Sorry had a long day just got home! Missed the first half myself, just put the rugby on.

Brewhuh: The frogs were stomping on their faces!

Auntie Janey: No, they were going for the ball!

(Screaming match ensues.)

Me: Walang kwenta yung correspondent natin sa Japan, kumakain pa.

NAG DROP-GOAL ANG LOLA KO! 32-10, ALL BLACKS.

Brewhuh: Just ten minutes guys, hang on!

Gaz: My TV has a chip malfunction and just reads error!!!

Brewhuh: Is that Richie? Is he down?? Stop the game! Hello Makati Med? Magpadala kayo ng ambulansya! Ay di pala siya.

Jaime: Blacks have been weaker and less clean in this second half. Should be a comfortable win for Blacks but not their best game.

Brewhuh: OMG right by the France goal line. Push them back!

Me: May sugat sa fezkaboom ang jowabelles mo.

Auntie Janey: Marahas kasi kayo!

PENALTY TO FRANCE. 32-17, four minutes to go.

Jon: That was bullshit.

Jaime: Unusual call by ref, but the French are in there now.

TRY TO THE ALL BLACKS! 37-17.

Jon: Jesus.

Jaime: Two French tries have been “slippery”, in true French fashion…But a great try.

IT’S OVER. NEW ZEALAND DEF. FRANCE, 37-17.

Jon: Haha that final pen was pretty much the story of the day for France. They never looked competitive after initial pressure.

Jaime: Looks like the curse is broken, Hallelujah!

Brewhuh: Low batt ako! Excuse me, loser.

Auntie Janey: France, do not punish yourselves. Punish me. Not.

Jaime: Would be cool if the Irish made it to the final…Over and out.

That concludes our liveblog! Thanks to our brilliant correspondents (and the less brilliant but fabulous one who missed the match). We’ll be back for the next big game!

Jon and Brewhuh
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On Saturday, September 24, Jessica Rules the Universe turns 5. We’ve got celebrations planned for our fifth anniversary; you’ll get your invitation as soon as all arrangements are confirmed. On Saturday Brewhuh, Auntie Janey and I shall hunker down in a bar that is airing the Rugby World Cup and watch the game between the All Blacks and France. Ooh there’s a history there, some well-remembered pain for NZ.

We’re going to blog the match, which starts at 1630 Manila time. We will be way too interested in the outfits and what they reveal. Auntie Janey will certainly focus on the etiquette of rolling on the ground with your limbs around a strapping gentleman, or how to react if someone kicks you someplace with implications for future generations. And Brewhuh will be shrieking “Aylabyu Richie McCaw! It’s you olredi!” and “Kayo kasi, hindi ninyo sinali yung bakulaw na Chabal.”

Fortunately for those whose main interest is the rugby, we will be joined by our far-flung correspondents who actually play the game: Jon in Alabang, Jaime in New York and Gaz in Fukuoka. (The national team is competing at the Borneo 7s or they’d be watching too.)

Join us! The Rugby World Cup airs live on cable somewhere (We don’t watch TV at home).

Dear Auntie Janey,

My name is Olivia and here is my concern. I have been having weird dreams and I don’t know why. Last weekend I dreamt that I was Mulan. Yes, the Disney princess who took her father’s place and pretended to be a guy to join China’s army in fighting the Huns. In my dream I was getting married and I was walking down the aisle. When I got to the altar, the groom reached out his hand. When I looked at the groom’s face, there was nothing. He was faceless! Imagine my shock. That’s when I woke up. I didn’t bother telling my friends about this dream. I just shrugged it off.

My next and probably the weirdest dream I’ve ever had was the one I had 2 nights ago. In that dream I was back at my grandmother’s house and I was with my boyfriend. What’s weird about that, right? Sounds pretty normal. Except that my boyfriend in the dream was the President of the Republic of the Philippines, Noynoy Aquino.

Auntie Janey, I’m not thinking about marriage or anything like that. I’m not in a committed relationship but I go on dates. Why am I hounded by these strange dreams? Is my subconscious telling me something? Help me, I’m getting grossed out.

Always,
Olivia Neutron-Diyan

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