JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Personal blog of Jessica Zafra, author of The Collected Stories and the Twisted series
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Archive for October, 2011

Gorillas in the Mist with Vertigo: The high heels experiment

October 17, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Clothing 5 Comments →

Obviously wearing heels makes you taller, but it also forces you to pay attention to your posture. If you want to be comfortable in high heels, you have to listen to your mother’s (or drill sergeant’s, or maybe it’s just schizophrenia) voice in your head: “Stomach in, chest out, shoulders back, butt out.”

Ignore the voice/s and you get a backache and leg cramps.

Good posture makes you more elegant and aerodynamic. Also, walking around like this gives you the urge to toss your hair and laugh archly, as if you were at a cocktail party and you have just spotted your miserable ex with noticeable male pattern baldness.

No wonder femmes fatales (and the kings of France before they were divested of their heads) wear heels high enough to cause vertigo. High heels change your perspective, literally. Being able to see the tops of people’s heads gives you new confidence (and if you did not lack for confidence to begin with, elevates it into megalomania). You feel that you are equal (or superior) to anyone.

Also, if you should accidentally-on-purpose walk into someone you are not fond of, you can quote Bambi Arambulo in the original Temptation Island and say, “Sorry, hindi kita napansin. Dahil siguro sa aking towering height.”

No matter how brilliantly-engineered the high-heeled shoes, after some time in them your feet will hurt. When your feet are in pain, the tendency is to forget your Grace Kelly posture impression and start slouching. Do not give in!

This is why those cute girly girls who run around in six-inch Stella Luna killer stilettoes have boyfriends. When they feel tired from traipsing around in heels, they can hang on their boyfriend’s arm or drape themselves around their boyfriend’s shoulders.

It’s supposed to make the boyfriend feel manly and protective, but the real point is to take the load off your suffering feet. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Conclusion: Walking in high heels is a behavior-altering experience. This will require more research. Translation: We’re buying more shoes.

A mile in someone else’s heels in Emotional Weather Report, last week in the Philippine Star.

Sleeping around with Jon

October 17, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Men, Re-lay-shun-ships 6 Comments →

That’s the title of Jon Morales’s new column, coming soon to this site.

It’s about men and women. And real estate. And women. And living without furniture. And women. And apocalyptic parties. And sex before dating vs dating before sex.

Have we mentioned that it’s about women?

If you need an easy peg, think Sex and The City, the Y-chromosome version. Jon explains it.

You have to be 18 and above to read our new column, Sleeping Around With Jon. If you’re below 18, tell your mother to read it.

Underwear ads are cute. Intelligence is sexy.

* * * * *

Reading assignment: The Whore of Mensa by Woody Allen.

Random Awesome

October 17, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Clothing, Rugby 13 Comments →

The world is especially awesome because the All Blacks defeated the Wallabies 20-6 in a ferocious semifinal at the Rugby World Cup. How vicious was it? We’ve never seen so much blood in a match. For sheer drama you can’t beat the sight of Cory Jane and company with blood streaming down their faces. It was literally a matter of life and death.

New Zealand meets France on Sunday (1600 Manila time), while Australia battles Wales for third place on Friday (1530 Manila time). It’s a repeat of the inaugural 1987 Rugby World Cup, which the host New Zealand won.

Regatta and the Discovery Channel have teamed up to produce “The World Is Just Awesome” shirts. Six designs in 2-3 colors, all proclaiming your appreciation for our planet. Yeah they look better on Jon, we have no complaints.

Viridiana: Still offensive after all these years

October 16, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Movies, Places 1 Comment →

Emotional Weather Report, today in the Philippine Star.

Instituto Cervantes marked the 50th anniversary of Luis Buñuel’s Viridiana with a screening at Pelikula, the 10th Spanish Film Festival. We learned that Viridiana would be projected on 35mm film, making it a mandatory movie nerd event, though in truth it doesn’t take much to drag us out of the house on a wet and slightly ominous day.

There are many filmmakers we admire, but for Buñuel we hold a special affection. We love his movies—we cannot claim to understand them completely, but we will keep on watching them because each viewing is different from the last. The better we know ourselves, the more his movies make sense. Every time we watch The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie or The Exterminating Angel, we are already looking forward to the next time we put on the DVD or whatever media becomes the standard.

Buñuel is the director we would enjoy having a drink with—a scene suitable for a Buñuel movie, since the man died many years ago. It helps that he included his recipe for the perfect dry martini in his autobiography, My Last Sigh. “The day before your guests arrive, put all the ingredients—glasses, gin, and shaker—in the refrigerator. Use a thermometer to make sure the ice is about 20 degrees below zero (Centigrade). Don’t take anything out until your friends arrive; then pour a few drops of Noilly Prat and half a demitasse spoon of Angostura bitters over the ice. Shake it, then pour it out, keeping only the ice, which retains a faint taste of both. Then pour straight gin over the ice, shake it again, and serve.”

We could’ve used the perfect martini while watching Viridiana, for it is a deeply upsetting movie. Bizarre, funny, powerful, and upsetting. The poor girl—What has she done to deserve this?

Buñuel had been living in exile in Mexico when the Franco government invited him back to Spain in 1960 to make a movie. So he made one specifically designed to tick off Spain, the Church, and all the groups he loved to offend. His mission accomplished, he left Spain. In his autobiography he reports that the uproar over Viridiana was such that Franco himself asked to see it, and according to the producers the dictator didn’t see what was so objectionable about it. However the movie stayed banned, especially after it won the Palme d’Or at Cannes.

Half a century later the film retains its power to offend not only its original targets, but just about anyone who harbors illusions about humanity.

Viridiana is a beautiful young nun who cannot refuse an invitation to visit her uncle. The old man is obsessed with her because she looks exactly like his wife who died on their wedding night. He begs her to live with him, and when that doesn’t work he orders the maid to drug her. Then he tries to have his way with the nun, but he can’t do it. When she wakes up he tells her that it happened anyway. Consumed with guilt at his lie, he hangs himself. There’s a joke about the rope he hanged himself with.

The saintly Viridiana is freaked out by all this. She tries to restore order to her life through corporal acts of mercy. She turns her share of her uncle’s estate into a sanctuary for beggars; the rest goes to her cousin, his illegitimate son. But the beggars repay her kindness by taking over the house and trashing it, defiling the family heirlooms and having an orgy. In one famous scene, the twelve beggars pose as the Last Supper by Leonardo. The nun is raped while Handel’s Messiah blares from the dead uncle’s gramophone.

The film ends with Viridiana joining her greedy cousin and his lover, the maid, in a game of cards.

So you have this girl who’s so pious that she sleeps in a scratchy shirt on the floor while wearing a crown of thorns, but she feels no pity for the sentimental old fool in love with her. The uncle tries to molest her, fails, and does the “honorable” thing, which is to kill himself. The girl feels guilty at having driven him to suicide, and seeks atonement through charity.

Like all naive people trying to be good, she is sentimental about the poor. She wants to believe that they are sweet, cuddly unfortunates who just need loving care. But these beggars are mean, devious and sleazy, not because they’re poor but because they’re people. Viridiana is punished for her good deeds.

Essentially Buñuel’s film says that the innocent and virtuous get screwed over. It is foolish to demand purity in an impure world. The world is not populated by saints, nor is it made for them. All saints are dead.

This is not the vision of humanity that we would like to have. Tell us this is not true.

We’re still waiting.

Michael Fassbender plays a sex addict in Shame

October 15, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Movies 6 Comments →

What a sentence.

Sense, Sate by Leo Abaya opens Oct 21 (We’re on exhibit)

October 15, 2011 By: jessicazafra Category: Art No Comments →

Join us at the launch, we’re doing a video blog.