The Filipino Way of Whoopass
Barung, swords made in Mindanao. Photo by Jay Ignacio.
History tells us that when Ferdinand Magellan sailed onto these shores in 1521 not all the natives who would later be called Filipinos were impressed at his global circumnavigation project. Nor were they lining up to get baptized. Instead of saying “Mabuhay!” and hanging garlands of sampaguitas around the foreigners’ necks, the tribal chieftain Lapu-Lapu said “Hell, no”, except that being pagan he was not burdened with visions of souls getting stir-fried in subterranean ovens by cackling demons.
Magellan, thinking he was invincible because all the other native chiefs had thrown parties for him, announced that he would teach this Lapu-Lapu a lesson. That didn’t happen. Lapu-Lapu and his warriors beat Magellan’s troops so hard the survivors fled back to Spain and reported that their captain had been eaten by a giant fish. Seriously, why is the first Filipino hero named for a fish (or the fish named after him, with the same effect)? How are we going to instill respect and awe when the mention of his name makes people think of a delicious escabeche in sweet and sour sauce?
Going back to the Battle of Mactan, some believe that Lapu-Lapu and his warriors used the Filipino martial art called arnis to vanquish the Spanish invaders. This information is unverified, but so are the facts in the life of Lapu-Lapu. It is certainly not implausible.
Filipino Martial Arts Grandmaster Dan Inosanto taught Bruce Lee how to use nunchaku. That is beyond awesome. Photo by Jay Ignacio.
The Filipino Way of Whoopass appears in my column, Wide World of Pain, in the November issue of Esquire. It’s somewhere in the middle pages. If a table of contents exists we could not find it.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
November 2nd, 2011 at 13:58
in the US public school system, middle schoolers are taught that Magellan died due to a disease during transit back to Spain — not because of Lapu Lapu
November 2nd, 2011 at 19:07
What!
November 2nd, 2011 at 21:06
thats what my sister said was taught to them – they were also taught how US colonized other countries, e.g. Guam, etc. with one of her classmate asking the teacher: Did we kill them all? — nag grade 5 sya dito & then continued middle school to highschool in the US —
November 3rd, 2011 at 00:00
cheezmiz… i dont remember learning about that in grade school.. how interesting.
November 3rd, 2011 at 13:31
Nakita ko ang mga espada at may naalala ako: in an episode of Pawn Stars, one of items that was appraised and sold was a kris sword, dating back to 1901 and from the Philippines.
November 3rd, 2011 at 23:54
Whenever I hear the word ‘arnis’, images of “Encantadia” come to mind. For some strange reason, I was a big fan of Sanggre Danaya, ang Tagapangalaga ng Brilyante ng Lupa. When she was crowned Reyna ng Lireo at ng buong Encantadia, I practically gloated to my fellow fanatics. I even bought one of those Sterling notebooks with her picture on it and four crystals representing the Brilyante ng Apoy, Hangin, Tubig at Lupa. I wrote my notes on it and during oral recitations, I would brandish the notebook against my teacher – a Hathor.
November 4th, 2011 at 00:31
Ah! Encantadia starred Dingdong Dantes whose biological father (according to Google) was the arnis grandmaster Roland Dantes. Ergo arnis connection.
We know someone who used to work at Channel 7. One day Dingdong had a meeting at their office. After he left, she stood up from her desk, addressed the spot where he had stood and said, loudly, “Ano ba Dingdong, sinabi ko nang break na tayo! Break! Tapos na! Wala na tayo!” Turns out Dingdong had forgotten something and returned to the office just in time to hear her little speech. He was cool, they all had a good laugh.
November 5th, 2011 at 14:26
http://fckyeahfilipinoculture.tumblr.com/post/12206475976/purmanent-inosanto-with-lee
November 8th, 2011 at 13:05
Coincidentally, Forest Whitaker is a student of Dan Inosanto.