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How do I deal with a friend’s husband who is flirting with me? We do not live in the same place, but I chat with them on the internet quite often. I am married and my husband is a former co-worker and friend of her husband. My husband and I actually met at their wedding..

Now I’ve noticed that my friend’s husband, if he sees me online, will always talk to me. And the way he talks, he tells jokes that are so awkward and personal that they make me feel uncomfortable. He even told me how he still got lucky on their wedding night even when he was really drunk. I try to change the subject and start talking about their daughter and my friend. I’ve also started to avoid talking to him, though I still talk to my friend.

One day he caught me online and said that he was flirting with me. I didn’t know it at that time, but I was shocked; it explained why he made me feel uncomfortable every time we talked. All I was able to say was, “I’m only joking with you and I hope you don’t take it seriously.”

A few months after this happened, my friend unfriended me and my husband on her facebook. I was a little surprised until I remembered what happened. I love my husband and I never flirted with the guy. Do I try to talk to my friend about what happened? I keep thinking that in the end, I would still look bad. It’s her husband and I’m only a friend. Also, is this something that my husband should know about? I never told him about the flirting because I thought it was nothing, just a case of bad, awkward jokes. He is aware that I talk to them, though. He also noticed that he got unfriended. I am no longer friends with the guy on facebook or on messaging. Although my husband is still friends with him…Please help, I am very confused!

It’s a very difficult and sensitive predicament indeed. I cannot give you advice on this one but I may be able to help by giving you some suggestions on how to think about resolving this matter.

First let’s talk about priorities. How much do you value this friend? I may sound callous but there are some people you grow out of, hence there is no need to give much thought to why they unfriended you on facebook. It’s much better to just fade out from a person’s life than to make a dramatic exit. However, if you have shared a lot of things with this person and have gone through a lot of things with her and still want her to be your friend, I suggest you reach out to her. Just ask her what is wrong and invite her to have a heart to heart talk. Be prepared for very, very sharp words in case she accuses you of flirting with her husband.

Of course she will think that you encouraged her husband. That will be the most hurtful part of her accusation. Remember, we are just talking hypothetically. She might have unfriended you for a different reason and you may have to ignore everything I say from hereon.

Where was I? Ah yes, when she accuses you, you should vehemently deny it. Chances are, she will not believe you. You will have to be firm in your denial and you must assume an unapologetic stance. Be genuinely indignant if you can manage it. You must tell yourself that you are the victim here and dammit, you will not cower before this woman who has wrongfully accused you. This will be the point at which your ties with her will be severed. It is not your responsibility to protect your friend’s marriage. You have a reputation, a life, and a marriage of your own. The best thing you can achieve here is to sow seeds of doubt in your friend’s mind that will eventually grow and make her realize you were innocent after all. Your denial may become more convincing if you have a printout of your online conversation with her husband.

Do not grovel and declare that you still want to be friends. The offended party should never apologize. This is the moment in your life that you have to be extremely selfish. Your reputation is at stake. You need to make a preemptive strike. Gossip can assume the color of truth if told repeatedly over time.

If you plan to have a confrontation with your friend, you better tell your husband everything first. Explain to him what happened and what you plan to do. You and your husband are a unit and both of you must be prepared for the emotional whirlwind that you are about to start. This matter concerns not only you but your husband as well because you may be suspected of being unfaithful to him. You have to secure your castle first before galloping off to defend your honor.

If things very ugly between you and your friend, you will have the consolation of knowing that you’ve aired your side. Making the first move gives you the upper hand. Boldness has always been associated with virtue.

All of the things I have mentioned are only dramatic suppositions. They are mere suggestions on how you may approach the problem. You yourself, deep down, know what you ought to do. After all, you are the one who knows yourself, your husband, and your friend best.