JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Personal blog of Jessica Zafra, author of The Collected Stories and the Twisted series
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Archive for April, 2012

Mario Taguiwalo, 1951 – 2012

April 24, 2012 By: jessicazafra Category: Current Events, Famous People 4 Comments →

There will be memorials for Mario on 28 April, 7pm at AIM, and 5 May, 7pm at Club Filipino.

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Mario on the set of Abbo de la Cruz’s Misteryo Sa Tuwa in Lucban, Quezon, 1983. Photo by Uro de la Cruz.

Mario Taguiwalo has forbidden us to mourn him, which is just as well because sorrow is the last emotion we associate with the guy. Hanging out with Mario was like going to the gym: we developed temporary abs from laughing so hard.

Mario asked that instead of grieving we speak of him with fondness. That’s easy.

1. The second thing we learned at the Philippine Science High School (the first was to run indoors at the first sign of rain because the football field was prone to lightning strikes) was that the school hymn was written by Professor Rey Paguio with Lyncir Lagunzad and Mario Taguiwalo of the first graduating class.

Therefore at age 12 I swore that if I ever met the person who wrote the immortal lyrics “And go as we wander o’er/The crests and troughs/of the sea of life that flows” and forced “troughs” to rhyme with “flows” (“The crests and troughs of the sea of life that fluffs??”), I would punch him in the face.

When I met Mario Taguiwalo many years later I not only forgot to punch him in the face but I immediately joined his fan club.

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The pit bulls rescued in Laguna need our help.

April 24, 2012 By: jessicazafra Category: Crime, Current Events No Comments →

You’ve heard about the 300 pit bulls who were rescued from a dogfighting syndicate in San Pablo, Laguna. The dogs are safe, but they need our help. We got this note from Alya Honasan, who’s been helping the dogs adjust to their new lives.

Right now the people working on the pit bulls need cement, cyclone wire, old towels, dog food, and of course, money to help set them up in the new site they’re transferring to. In charge of the animals right now are the Cebu-based Island Rescue Organization (IRO), who also took over the Cavite pit bulls, and Compassion and Responsibility for Animals (CARA), led by Nancy Cu-Unjieng. The site is in Bgy San Gregorio, San Pablo, Laguna. There are 216 surviving pit bulls.

For donations in kind, contact Homer at (02)521-0865. For cash donations, go to www.caraphil.org.


Momma: a pit bull at the site. Note the heavy chains and the drums they have to live in. ( I just named her that, because she has obviously given birth recently. Actually I’d love to adopt her, she’s the sweetest thing, but she’s got some rehab, medical and psychological, to go through first. -Alya)


Pit bull aficionado Julien Bourreaux has been volunteering regularly at the site.


CARA’s Nancy Cu-Unjieng at the site.

Mark Millar in Manila in May

April 23, 2012 By: jessicazafra Category: Books, Contest No Comments →

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Attention: LitWit winners

AM, your prize awaits at the Customer Service counter, National Bookstore Rockwell. You may pick it up any time within the next 6 months.

To all previous LitWit winners: Please claim your prizes within 6 months of your win. You can send anyone to pick up your prize, just show an ID with your real name on it. After 6 months we will collect unclaimed books and give them away.

If you won a LitWit Challenge in November 2011 or earlier, please claim your book/s by Monday, 30 April 2012.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

What does Big Brother know about you?

April 23, 2012 By: jessicazafra Category: Technology No Comments →


We were going to post a scene from the 1984 film adaptation of 1984 but it reminded us of Terry Gilliam’s Brazil, which we love.

Want to find out how much data Google and Facebook have on you? Do this.

Mga Bulkang Pilipino, nagwagi laban sa Sri Lanka! Pilipinas, kampeon sa Unang Dibisyon ng A5N rugby

April 22, 2012 By: jessicazafra Category: Rugby 57 Comments →

Kanina’y naisip namin na sa tagal ng aming pagsusulat ay hindi pa kami nakakalikha ng ulat pampalakasan sa wikang Tagalog. Dumating ang tamang pagkakataon kanina, nang lumaban ang pambansang koponan ng rugby sa kampeonato ng A5N Unang Dibisyon. Mae-ehersisyo na ang aming utak, matutulungan pa natin ang mga manlalarong mestiso na matuto ng Tagalog upang matigil na ang mga nagsasabing hindi sila tunay na Pilipino.

Kung kayo’y walang ginagawa at nais ninyong aliwin ang sarili, pakisalin ang ulat na ito sa Ingles gamit ang Google Translate. (Nakakatuwa ang isinalin ng makina!)

Ang Kagila-Gilalas, Kahindik-Hindik at Kahanga-Hangang Pakikipagsapalaran ng Mga Bulkang Pilipino

Ulat nina JessicaRulestheUniverse at Brewhuh23

Sabado, alas-singko ng hapon sa Rizal Memorial Stadium sa Maynila nang magharap ang dalawang pinakamagaling na koponan sa Unang Dibisyon ng Limang Bansang Asyano sa larong Rugby.*

* Ang Asian 5 Nations o A5N ay tumutukoy sa limang bansa sa pinakamataas na antas ng rugby sa Asya. Ang Unang Dibisyon ang pangalawang antas sa A5N, at ang kampeon dito ay aakyat sa Top 5 na kasalukuyang kinabibilangan ng Japan, Hong Kong, Kazakhstan, Korea at UAE. (Isa naman sa limang ito ay malalaglag at bababa sa Unang Dibisyon.) Ang kampeon sa Top 5 ay papasok sa 2015 Rugby World Cup. Ang pangalawang koponan sa Top 5 ay papasok sa isang repechage para sa pagkakataong makasali sa 2015 Rugby World Cup.


Ilan sa mga Bulkan: Kapitan Kuya Michael Letts, Lolo Austin Dacanay, James Price, Patrice Ortiz Olivier, ang magkapatid na Joe at Luke Matthews, Justin Coveney at Phil Abraham. Ritrato kuha ni JZ.

Naglaban ang Sri Lanka at Pilipinas, na pawang 2-0 sa paligsahang ito matapos talunin ang Singapore at Chinese Taipei. Dating Top 5 Nation ang Sri Lanka. Ang pambansang koponan ng Pilipinas na tinaguriang Mga Bulkang Pilipino ay nakapasok sa Unang Dibisyon noong 2010.

Unang nakatala ng puntos ang Pilipinas sa pamamagitan ng penalties na sinipa ng lipad-kalahati (fly-half) na si Oliver Saunders (10). Nakagawa naman ng try sina Joe Matthews na pakpak (wing, 14) at si Michael Letts na buong likod (fullback, 15) at kapitan ng mga Bulkan. Napaka-pisikal ng depensa; ilang manlalaro ng Sri Lanka ang nagtamo ng pinsala at binuhat papaalis.

Katakut-takot na balibagan, tulakan at hablutan ang aming nasaksihan: walang takot na nakipagbakbakan ang mga Bulkan at ilan sa kanila ay duguan pagkatapos ng laro. Halatang namamaga ang kaliwang mata ni Matt Saunders (gitna, 13), na kung makipag-agawan sa bola ay tila naghahanap ng sakit (Noong Miyerkules naman ay naglaro siya na may benda sa ulo).


Ganito maglaro si Matt Saunders. Ritrato kinunan ni Jun Mendoza ng Philstar.

Ang pinakamaliit na manlalaro sa koponan na si James Price (kalahating-scrum/scrum-half, 9) ay nakakapagpabagsak ng manlalarong dalawa o tatlong beses ang laki sa kanya. Nagtapos ang unang kalahati sa score na 23-3, lamang ang Pilipinas.

Muntik nang makahabol ang Sri Lanka sa pangalawang kalahati. Kadalasan ang bola’y nasa kamay ng Sri Lanka at bagama’t masigasig ang depensa ng mga Bulkan ay nakapagtala ang kalaban ng dalawang try at penalty. Mabuti na lamang at naagaw ng mga Bulkan ang bola at naipasa kay Justin Coveney (12) na rumaragasang tumakbo patungong goal at isinaksak ang bola sa lupa kasama ng kanyang mukha. Hindi na nakasagot ang Sri Lanka. Nagwagi ang Pilipinas sa score na 28-18; pasok ang Mga Bulkang Pilipino sa Asian Top Five.


Mga Bulkang Pilipino, inaasam ang pagkapanalo. Maraming salamat sa napakagaling na pambansang coach Expo Mejia. Ritrato kuha ni JZ.


Ang aming ampon (tawagin na lamang natin siyang Maddox) na si Patrice Olivier, kasama sina Brewhuh at Chronicler of Boredom. Matagal bago namin nakausap si ampon dahil nakaparaming humahalik at nagpapakuha ng ritrato na kasama siya. At pinapahawakan pa kay Patrice ang kanilang mga sanggol! Samakatwid ay maari na siyang tumakbo sa eleksyon. Kinunan ng ritrato ni JZ.


Si Matt Saunders, ang namamaga niyang mata, at ang kasintahan niyang si Dee Tovell. Kinunan ng ritrato ni JZ.

Bukas ay tutungo sina Matt at Oli Saunders at ang kanilang mga magulang sa Bugallon, Pangasinan upang tumanggap ng parangal mula sa lalawigan. Laking Bugallon si Mrs Marilou Abalos Saunders, at doon naninirahan ang lola at mga kamag-anak nina Oli, Matt at Ben.

Si Oli at Matt ay propesyonal na manlalaro ng rugby sa Tokyo.


Hindi lamang mga sanggol kundi ang aming kaibigang publisista na si Edd Fuentes ang nagpakuha ng ritrato kasama si Patrice. Madalas kaming tanungin ni Edd kung ano bang ka-etchingan yang ragbi-ragbi na yan, kaya’t isinama namin siya. Natuwa naman ito at manonood ulit. Salamat din sa mga mambabasa ng blog na ito na lumapit sa amin at nagpakilala. Hindi naniniwala si Edd na may nagbabasa dito hahahahaha.

Basahin ang aming kolum sa Philstar tungkol sa kasosyalang rugby. (Ang artikulo ay nasa baba ng pahina, sa ilalim ng mga Louboutin.)

Maraming salamat nga pala sa Globe at sa HSBC para sa mga tiket namin.

Nagpapatuloy ang ka-etchingan sa Comments. Narito kami ni Brewhuh upang sagutin ang inyong mga katanungan.

Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column #52: Gay Gone Wild

April 20, 2012 By: jessicazafra Category: Re-lay-shun-ships 16 Comments →

These are actual letters received by our advice columnist Auntie Janey at agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com and published in their original, unedited form.

Auntie Janey,

I’m one of the gays got wild went worst. Being rejected by the most handsome guys I’ve seen from elementary to the present time, I knew the obvious reasons. I am fat, ugly, unfashionable and the butt of jokes. I am not loved in return, romantically. I hate handsome males as much as I drool over them. They make both my libido and blood pressure high. To compensate for that, I get myself laid with the guys same as my wavelength. (They’re also fat, ugly, unfashionable, insecure, not choosy etc.)

Along came Ulysses, my handsome and younger dorm mate. His kindness freaks me out since I’m not used to it. This gentleman takes up his Bachelor of Science in Accountancy in the same university as mine (which I flunked two years ago to tell my mom in her face that I wanna take up AB English). He morphed into my crush and obsession that I’ll never have. So, I decided to transform him into my sex object which solely satisfies me.

On a Sunday, I set my phone alarm at three in the morning. I obediently woke up and unlocked his door. Then, I sneaked in and sat right next to him. Since I have the moves like Jagger, I wanna hold his dagger. My heart beated as my hand marked the spot. I tried to grab his jewel but he jolted and lifted his leg. I let it go but he held his phone under his pillow, pressed the keypad and the light from it flashed. Good thing, he only saw my back. After the light faded, I went out and slept on my black mat in the living room. Then, I dreamed of him going out of his room, turning the lights on and scolding me. Hours later, he asked me about what happened earlier and repeated his rant. Out of that confrontation, I only remembered this: If I’ll molest him again, I’ll be experiencing his terrible wrath. He still managed to give me a plate of pancit canton before that talk.

By the time you’re reading this, it’s been three or four days since the incident. Can you give me other ways to move on except from moving out of the dorm? I don’t know now what love is and I want him to save himself away from my ‘childhood habit’.

Love,
Sex-starved Circe

Dear Sex-Starved Circe,

The phrase “I decided to transform him into my sex object which solely satisfies me” freaked me out a bit. This conjures images of you doing unspeakable things to yourself. Someone is turning into swine, with whose wand I do not know. Hermes better intervene soon.

So this is what is known as gapang. Pouncing on a victim around dawn during which time the victim is in, um, full length thus making him more accommodating when touched. The simplicity of the strategy amazes me and must be very effective because you employed it so casually. But, it did not work this time.

Ulysses seems to be a nice guy. Only very few people would give you pancit canton after you attempted to molest them. A forgiving guy and a good friend material. Don’t blow it. There are few nice people left in this world.

I find it sad that you look at yourself in such a bad light and you are throwing yourself to anyone just for cheap thrills. If you think of yourself as cheap and low, other people will think that you are cheap and low. When you convinced yourself that you are fat, ugly, and unfashionable, you had already doomed yourself.

Only you can stop yourself from molesting Ulysses and other males within your vicinity. Only you can redeem yourself. Ulysses gave you a chance when he forgave you. He still respects you after what you did. You should also respect yourself. Respect is a precious gift, so cherish it.

Instead of going around looking for someone to jerk off with, I think you should engage in productive and engaging activities. Activities that could enhance your latent abilities and increase your confidence. Confidence is very attractive.

Do not hang out with people that you consider to be fat, ugly and unfashionable because you will become one of them. Osmosis does not work only at a cellular level but is also in effect in human relations. Be with people who possess traits and characteristics which you want to emulate.

Kung ayaw mo maging panget, huwag kang sumama sa mga panget.

Truly Yours,
Auntie Janey