JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Anthony Kiedis. Batman and Robin running away from shit.

Thanks to thebone for the alert.

Someone should’ve given us a copy of How to Walk in High Heels by Camilla Morton when we were in our teens; it would’ve saved us years of social ineptitude and torment. Oh right, it hadn’t been written yet.

The title may sound shallow, but this book is immensely practical—a compendium of things you need to know in order to make your way in the world. There are chapters on how to play poker, how to appreciate art, how to tango, how to have good manners, how to change a plug, how to eat tricky foods, how to lay tiles, how to sew, how to reverse-park with style. And of course how to look good—choosing your wardrobe, doing your hair, applying lipstick and so on. There’s an excellent chapter on relationships: everything from how to make the first move, how to rebuff unwanted advances and how not to become a character rivalling Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. All written in Camilla Morton’s breezy, candid, often hilarious style.

There’s also useful advice from guest experts: Manolo Blahnik on how to pick shoes (He advises height—we’ll pass, out of consideration for those we may injure), Vivienne Westwood on how to appreciate art, Gisele Bundchen on how to look good in a photo (“Always have mouth slightly open, enough to put a penny between your lips, as this will make your lips look fuller.” Slightly as in “hindi nakanganga”), Anya Hindmarch on how to pack, and many other nuggets of wisdom. All these for Php385 at National Bookstores. A tiiiiny investment that will pay off, trust us.

* * * * *

We just saw The Woman in the Fifth starring Ethan Hawke and Kristin Scott-Thomas. Of course we cannot look upon Ethan without noting how he’s aged, and if one can remember how Ethan looked in his youth it means. . .Kristin Scott-Thomas always looks fabulous—between the bone structure and those eyelids we totally buy the idea that her character in The English Patient was still gorgeous many days after she’d expired in the desert cave (Well the air was dry).

The Woman in the Fifth is a self-consciously arty mediocrity but it did contain bits that might be useful in real life. When Kristin meets Ethan on a balcony right in front of the Eiffel Tower she engages him in conversation, then casually hands him her card and says, “You should call me.”

Not “You must call me” which sounds like a command, or “Call me” like a request, but “You should call me” as something that can only be for your own good. Say it with us: “You should call me.”

Of course there is the added impact of the line having been uttered by Kristin Scott Thomas, but never underestimate the power of effrontery.

Then when Ethan Hawke does call, she does not coyly pretend to have forgotten him or ask him why he telephoned. She just says, “Come by between 5 and 8.” It’s all in the delivery. Not a smidgin of doubt. Try it.

Krystal’s Pan de Sal
Delicious Filipino breakfast bread made with salt, eggs, and lard.
6902 Roosevelt Ave., nr. 69th St., Woodside; 718-898-1900.

Read A Taxonomy of New York’s Local Breads

When we were kids everyone was buying an oven so they could get in on the pan de sal craze. Decades later there was the lechong manok craze, then shawarma, Zagu, recently yogurt, and now milk tea. Our brother-in-law witnessed a near-riot at the mall last week when a popular milk tea joint ran out of the stuff and everyone in the queue had tickets to The Avengers, which was starting in 2 minutes.