How to catch, and
How to throw. They come bearing gifs.
Why is our support group NOT called “Avengers Anonymous”?
Because you are not, have never been, and will never be an Avenger. You do not have superhuman powers. You will not put on a costume and assemble to fight extraterrestrial imperialists and other threats to the human race too powerful for a single superhero to deal with. You will not have S.H.I.E.L.D., Tony or even Pepper on speed-dial, and you can’t touch Mjolnir or give yourself a massive hernia by trying to lift it (Other than Thor only Captain America can do that, and the fact that we know that means we need this 12-step program). You will not go drinking with Natasha and Clint and reminisce about those days in Budapest, or debate the stretchability of polyester with Bruce.
Stark-Banner
Stark banner from the Game of Thrones wiki. We like to combine our obsessions.
What you are is an Avengers Addict, and you need to put your love of this fictional (Yes they are. They are!!!) group in perspective and readjust to real life, the one where Loki isn’t using the Tesseract to admit an army of fearsome Chitauri onto our planet because he can’t get over the fact that he can never compete with his marvelous brother.
YOU NEED HELP. We know exactly what you’re going through. We are here for you. So sign up in Comments for Avengers Addicts Anonymous. Together we can beat this thing! or at least know whom to go shopping for action figures with.
Signs that you may be an Avengers Addict.
1. You’ve seen the movie more than three times and will seize upon any excuse to see it again.
a. “I can’t believe you haven’t seen it yet, you must be one of the three people who hasn’t. Since I’m such a good friend I’ll take the day off from work today and go to the movies with you. No, no problem, I just don’t want you to feel left out.”
b. “Oh you don’t love it? It’s because you’re mature. I’d better see it again, maybe I’ve matured since my last viewing.”
c. “My 5-year-old niece adores Captain America? Isn’t it a little early? I’ll watch Avengers again to check if it’s suitable viewing for 5-year-olds.”
d. “I can’t believe we missed the post-credits shawarma scene! There’s a screening at 5.40.” (Knowing full well that the shawarma scene was in the U.S. release)
e. “That’s Thanos.”
“No, it’s the Kree.”
“Thanos.”
“Kree.”
“Thanos! Hence ‘courting Death’.”
“Kree!”
“That’s it, then, we have to see Avengers again.”
f. “Really, the line is ‘Better clench up, Legolas’ and not ‘Clench up, Legolas’? We’d better make sure…”
g. “I had that exact same Black Sabbath T-shirt and I think it’s been stolen. You know, the one Tony Stark is wearing. How could you not notice? Do you have 2 and a half hours?”
h. “Agent Coulson is their Xander. You didn’t notice? We have to watch it again.”
i. “Harry Dean Stanton now accepts tiny guest appearances? In the building the Hulk falls into. Yes, the star of Paris, Texas. Well we have to support the cinema. Meet you at the box-office.”
Repeat, replacing Stanton with Jerzy Skolimowski.
k. “Did you notice how Thanos goes, ‘They are not the cowering wretches we were pro-MESSED!’ It’s only two and a half hours into the movie…”
What are your signs/symptoms? Confess! Unburden yourself! We will offer consolation when we get back from the next screening. Which we’re only watching in order to understand you better, we swear.
* * * * *
Good news! Based on your comments, there’s nothing wrong with you that time and a life can’t address. So no shock therapy. For now.
True, some of you have a crush on a drama queen with horns and a cape, but it’ll pass. Your Loki thing may be
a. Projection. You see yourself in him/You have issues with the parents and/or are dying to walk around in a cape.
b. The expression of a desire for a little drama in your life.
c. An admission of your unfulfilled diva nature.
d. Interesting that this Loki fixation is prevalent in females. It’s not that you have sympathy for the villain; could be you’re a fag hag. (You need to hang around with more fabulous gay people. Sorry, we don’t share.)