JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Before we review Snow White and the Huntsman (SWATH), directed by Rupert Sanders (his first feature) and starring Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, Sam Claflin and Kristen Stewart, let’s get this out of the way.

It’s Chris Hemsworth! Hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi hihihi.

Now the review.

1. Snow White and the Huntsman gets the essential quality of fairy tales: They’re scary. They speak to something primeval and primitive in the human psyche. They take us back to an ancient time when danger lurked in every shrub and the world was full of things that would eat you. Fairy tales may have happy endings, but to get there the heroine must endure dark and dreadful trials.

Disney movie musicals have taken the terror out of the old tales and replaced it with sweetness, fluff and the reassurance that everything will be all right. They are an insult to the tales. Wonder is less wonderful without the emotional kick of terror. SWATH recovers some of that ancient dread. Terrible things happen that cannot be undone.

2. We love Charlize Theron, a gorgeous actress who is at her best playing monsters (Monster, naturally, and Young Adult). Here she isn’t just the stock evil stepmother jealous of Snow White’s youthful beauty. Her Queen Ravenna is a woman who has weaponized her beauty and fears losing it. She is an aberration in the fairy tale world: a feminist who has bludgeoned men into submission with her looks. Beauty is power and she will do anything to hold on to it. This makes her far more interesting than Snow White.

Notice the parallel between the careers of the evil queen and of the actresses who have played her lately—Theron and Julia Roberts. Both are fabulous Oscar-winning stars who have reached the age where there won’t be as many lead roles open to them in the youth-obsessed movie industry. So they’ve started taking on villain roles to prolong their careers, and they end up in supporting roles to actresses who are less beautiful and talented than they are. Beauty—youthful beauty—is power.

3. As Snow White, Kristen Stewart will have to deal with all the snarky “Who’s the fairest” comments. She’s not a bad actress, but the Twilight flicks have exsanguinated (Don’t you miss this word from The X-Files? Our sister used to date someone we referred to fondly as El Chupacabra) her career. Ignore all the mean people who point out that the Queen, the Duke’s son, and especially the Huntsman are prettier than you are; that’s your name above the title.

That said, Stewart is typecast as the one who rises from the dead.

Ricky notes that Stewart has a Jodie Foster quality. (She did play Jodie’s kid in Panic Room.)

4. Zero chemistry between Snow White and The Huntsman. More chemistry between The Huntsman and (your name here).

5. Thank you, Chris Hemsworth, you bring us great happiness just by existing. That presence. That hair. That voice. We used to think it was the work of a sound engineer but no—you need a voice box buried deep in muscle to get reverb like that.

6. When Snow White and The Huntsman meet the seven dwarves—digitally shrunken Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone and others—the movie turns into The Fellowship of the Ring. When nine of them are walking up the mountain we nearly yelled, “The Pass of Caradhras!”

Has Peter Dinklage’s Tyrion Lannister liberated dwarves from having to be the cute comic relief in movies? Discuss.

6. Queen Ravenna turning into a murder of crows (or are those ravens) = Madonna’s video for “Frozen”.

7. It’s more atmosphere than action, but worth the two hours of your life.

Bonus: The cast of SWATH reading 50 Shades of Grey.