What the story conference for Lockout must’ve sounded like.
The only reason to see idiotic Lockout: Guy Pearce. With deadpan humor. And muscles. Counterpoint to his TED talk as Peter Weyland. And Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Reminder: We’ve had dibs on Guy Pearce since L.A. Confidential. But you may take Russell Crowe. Please.
Luc Besson: All right bitches, what have you got for me?
Writer 1: Mon capitaine, we have a maximum security prison full of the most vicious criminals known to man, total scum of the earth. And a wisecracking, how do you say, insouciant hero who must break into the prison to retrieve a valuable object.
Luc: Hmmm. What would this valuable object be doing in a supermax prison? Where would it be hidden, up someone’s ass?
Writers: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Luc: I am serieux.
Writer 2: Perhaps it is priceless information he is retrieving. Such as a government top secret.
Writer 1: Or an important personage…
Luc: What would the important personage be doing in a supermax prison?
Writer 2: Humanitarian mission. Investigating prison abuses.
Writer 3: And during le mission there is ze prison break and she is held hostage.
Luc: Is she hot?
Writer 1: Of course.
Writer 2: Not only that, but she is is someone’s daughter…
Writer 3: Yes, of the President of the United States!
Luc: No. No. Non. I have seen this. This is Escape from New York by Jean Charpentier. Starring the Kurt Russell as the Snake Plissen with the eyepatch.
Writer 1: Well, yes, it is a hommage!
Writer 3: But bigger!
Writer 2: Yes, bigger and better!
Luc: How?
Writer 2: It’s…uhh…
Writer 3: Umm…ah…
Writer 1: THE PRISON IS IN SPACE!
Dead silence.
Luc: Sacre bleu, we have a movie! The geniuses behind Transporter and Taken have done it again.
Writers 1,2,3: Like never before!
Luc: We’re going to make…Transporter Taken In Space!
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
June 25th, 2012 at 12:15
buti na lang di ko pinanood — & settled for rock of ages instead damn it.