We learned etiquette from Samuel Jackson.
WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN
We go to a quiet café to get some peace and naturally the last available table is next to a guy with a voice like a bullhorn. He’s alone, a fact that doesn’t stop him from producing enough noise for ten. He’s on his cellphone, talking in a voice that vibrates with the sense of its own importance. Perhaps he imagines that everyone in the place is dying to hear him so he’s doing them all a favor by killing their eardrums.
Loudmouth has the manner and inflections of the educated class, and the air of borrowed entitlement that wafts from the flunkies of the rich and powerful. (The rich and powerful do not have to announce that they are.)
Wait: he drops the name of an important person. We’re so impressed. He repeats it several times, in case the people in the next building didn’t hear it.
Why did we leave our iPod at home? Oh right, we thought we should listen to humanity. Well it’s not as if humanity can hear itself, it is braying like a donkey in a blender. Though the novel we are reading is delightful, we cannot help but absorb the details of the loud man’s conversation. Yes this is a loud city, but You Do Not Prevent Us From Reading.
We look his way several times to convey our disapproval at his one-man noise pollution campaign. He does not lower his voice. It is likely that he interprets our stares as admiration for his power, influence or looks, the unprepossessing types being the most convinced of their resemblance to Brad Pitt. His associates join him and it is established that his loudness was not due to a weak mobile signal. He’s just a rude, inconsiderate ass, and that’s an insult to the ass.
We’ve had it. There is one Samuel L. Jackson badass in this joint, motherfucker, and that’s us. Don’t be fooled by this girly dress because under it is a giant dick that will bitch-slap your skull in half.
“Miss,” we call the waitress, “Are there tables free on that side?” She says yes. “Then we’re moving there,” we say, pleasantly but loudly. “IT’S QUIETER.”
Silence falls over the next table. Ah, so you know we mean you. Come on, asshole. Give us an excuse. Bring on the vocabulary showdown. Words of five syllables or more!
From that point, conversation is conducted at a much less obtrusive volume.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
July 21st, 2012 at 00:59
hahahaha… the a–hole was trying to impress you. little did he know =)
July 21st, 2012 at 03:28
Yey! Good for you Jessica! I hate it when people are like that. Sometimes, I fight back by talking to my companion in the same tone and volume of voice they do and they look at ME like I’m some kind of lunatic, but it effectively shuts them up.
July 21st, 2012 at 14:32
I was *thisclose* to doing this at Mashitta (the Japanese restaurant at UP Shopping Center) – the entire second floor was empty, and there were these two guys in the corner being annoying. At one point one of the guys said, “Alam mo, hindi ko pinagsasabi ito kahit kanino…”
If I had been hungry enough, I would’ve said, “Hello, I can hear you. Gusto ba ninyong maintriga?”
July 21st, 2012 at 14:50
Thanks for dropping by InterAksyon at Palma Hall yesterday, and thanks for the Lindt chocolate (the official Roger Federer chocolate!).
July 21st, 2012 at 15:18
You’re welcome, Jessica! I’m glad you liked the Lindt bar – Roger Federer *and* dark chocolate!
And thank you for signing that copy of Twisted 9 for my friend Marge, too. She has been a life-long fan, and she got really psyched when I told her that I got the book signed.
July 21st, 2012 at 19:29
I never leave without my iPod. I even bring the charger. I would risk hearing damage playing music I like at a very loud volume than have to listen to the world. I do use in-ear headphones, though, so I don’t have to inflict it on anyone nearby.
July 21st, 2012 at 20:28
You can buy a cellphone jammer these days in the black market. The best thing is they are not illegal here.
July 22nd, 2012 at 17:24
sad to say, people like this only exist in the philippines. and they seem to be the kind of people that we have by default. it’s what makes me not miss going back there sometimes. it becomes less and less easier to tolerate as one gets older.
July 23rd, 2012 at 01:22
Primavera, I’ve spent a fair share of time living abroad, and I can assure you that there are full-blooded Caucasians who can be just as loud, obnoxious, and utterly lacking in self-awareness as anyone in Manila. Sometimes they don’t even have to drink a single drop of alcohol to bring out their inner (and sometimes racist) jackass. Ever been to a Walmart? Exactly.
July 23rd, 2012 at 10:57
I disagree, primavera579. I was in the US several years ago, and I experienced something similar in a few restos in California (LA and San Francisco). Same in HK last year and when I was in Bangkok circa 2005. I think that kind of generalization about the Philippines is simply borne of bias. These types of people exist across countries.
July 23rd, 2012 at 13:36
Absolutely. There are assholes everywhere.
This reminds us of that commercial where the balikbayan lola keeps saying, “Walang ganyan sa States!”
July 24th, 2012 at 01:33
hi primavera,
i agree while there are so many things much harder to tolerate as one gets older, this is not exclusive to the philippines. even when cellphones were not popular, caucasians can be loud. at airport gates where strangers get to know each other, for some reason, conversation has to be louder than when it is between 2 people who already know each other. i also had a former american colleague who let me (and the rest of the restaurant) know that he has already had balut. i wanted to roll my eyes.
July 30th, 2012 at 01:40
Yeah