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We have a special fondness for the 1990 Paul Verhoeven adaptation of Total Recall—not for the acting (although Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger’s particular brand of…acting is perfect for playing a guy who doesn’t know what the hell’s going on), not for the depiction of Philip K. Dick’s ideas about memory and identity (If the filmmakers had been faithful to the source, the short story “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale”, the hero would look like Steve Buscemi) or the thought-provoking science-fiction, but for the gross, grotesque, fun bits that make Paul Verhoeven movies worth watching.

Like the scene where Ah-nuld removes a bug from his brain.

These brilliant gifs are from jest.com

And the one where Ah-nuld tries to get past the police in a fat lady suit.

Yes, everyone was going on about the hooker with three boobs, but what about Kuato!

And the scene towards the end where Ah-nuld and Rachel Ticotin are on the surface of Mars gasping for air.

Don’t forget the way Sharon Stone in pink, in her first major film role, kicked Ah-nuld’s ass. The more we recall the original movie, the less we like the new remake directed by Len Wiseman (those Underworld flicks). The new movie is so dull, it isn’t even worth hating. All our favorite scenes: gone. In their place: atmosphere that is supposed to be “gritty” but just looks like bargain basement Blade Runner. It’s not even set on Mars!

We adore Colin Farrell, but we don’t have to see him as some cheap Jason Bourne guy who discovers he’s a secret agent. Colin, darling, fire your agent, fire your manager and call us. Or don’t fire anyone, just call us!

Bryan Cranston who is pure genius as Walter White on Breaking Bad is the evil despot, and he wouldn’t scare a kindergarten class. Bill Nighy is the leader of the resistance—for one brief moment we thought he would unbutton his shirt to reveal the tiyanak-like Kuato, but Wiseman quickly dashes our hopes. Jessica Biel plays the good girl, Kate Beckinsale the bad girl—she’s married to the director so her role is expanded with many chaotic action scenes that reveal a total lack of imagination (the synthetic police look like the stormtroopers in Star Wars). We don’t know if it’s the cinematography or the special effects, but the characters’ faces have a plasticine look, like someone went bonkers with Photoshop. Instead of Mars we get The Fall, a device that transports passengers through the earth’s core, and there’s this reverse gravity bit that’s supposed to impress us. Zzzzzzz.

Viewers, if you need a Colin Farrell fix just watch the Fright Night remake—that movie should’ve been a hit.

On our next trip to the cinema we’re doing a seniors double bill: The Expendables 2 and Hope Springs.