The Extortionist’s Xmas Alphabet (from avaricious accessories to zany zygotes)
While searching in vain for our copy of Agincourt* (the popular history by Juliet Barker), we saw our Amphigorey collections by Edward Gorey and spent the next three hours laughing over our favorites.
From The Chinese Obelisks
Inspired by Gorey’s Gashlycrumb Tinies and other alphabets, we started writing our own verses for the holidays.
Help us complete our Xmas alphabet! Post your rhymes in Comments. The ones we like, we’ll add to the work in progress. Don’t feel compelled to start with C; pick any letter. Best couplet gets that History Channel leather notebook we showed you a couple of weeks ago.
M is for (bespoke titanium) Motorcycle
So we can say “Oye!” to J. Augusto Zobel
C is for Caran d’Ache to sign the tuition cheques
To send our kids to school with those of Posh and Becks
T is for Tiara to complete the delusion
Of nuptials impending to a jillionaire’s scion
* Rule of book-locating: The book you want is usually in the first place you looked.
* * * * *
Perhaps the instructions were vague. Consider the first two lines. The speaker wants alahas, preferably big, and a bag that is mamahalin. Who is the speaker? A social climber! (Then why isn’t it called The Social Climber’s Xmas Alphabet? Because the X in Extortionist goes with the X in Xmas.) So think pretentious, venal, shallow.
* * * * *
Darlings,
You suck at rhyme and metre, and even worse at gold digging. Why must you be such decent, upstanding folk?
The entries have improved, but you need to acquire that arch, mocking, horrible tone. We prescribe regular doses of Edward Gorey, beginning with these:
The Gashlycrumb Tinies
The Recently Deflowered Girl (Not for prudes)
We’ll accept this couplet from Momelia, which we have rewritten for added unscrupulousness.
And this rhyme from butoygirl, which we have divested of shame.
More! More! It’s easy when you’re awful.
N is for Nose job, that we might be mistaken
For socialites with ancestors sufficiently Iberian.
T is for Tickets to Paris and Milan
(Whoever flies us Coach is not a gentleman.)
F is for Ferrari, there’s no need to be coy.
We don’t desire to breathe the same air as the hoi polloi.
* * * * *
Day 2
At last! The combination of wickedness and panache we have been looking for (with very minor edits).
From stellalehua
Talipandas!
From tudor
Maldita!
From Ejia
The classic false pregnancy extortion scheme! Here’s another from Ejia (We have found a pro! Yikes).
From Ruth
Send us your couplets!
Z is for Zirconium, infomercial variety,
Until we get an upgrade from Pangilinan, Manny.
C is for Chauffeur (it sounds richer than “driver”)
Who has the same…qualities as Michael Fassbender.
T is for Tea from the hinterlands of the Caucasus.
We can’t tell the diff’rence but, from the price, it’s fabulous!
* * * * *
Day 3
* * * * *
EJIA wins the leather notebook! Please post full name (it won’t be published) in Comments.
Update: Ejia, your notebook has been delivered to National Bookstore in Rockwell. Just give your name to the Customer Service desk (tel. 897 4562). Enjoy.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
December 4th, 2012 at 08:27
S is for St. Bart’s with beaches chic and pristine.
A charter Boeing now – or else pray I’m over eighteen.
December 4th, 2012 at 09:34
L is for Lavender Marriage – let’s not make this weird.
Just take me to Harrods daily and I’ll remain your beard.
December 4th, 2012 at 11:05
M is for Marriage – though lavender, don’t make it weird.
Just take me to Harrods daily and I’ll remain your beard.
December 4th, 2012 at 13:06
Awww! Would’ve loved to be the proud owner of that journal! Haha!
Wish I’d seen this challenge a day sooner. Would’ve greatly improved in my couplet-writing throughout the duration of this challenge, I think. But this was really fun to do!
December 4th, 2012 at 13:34
Z’s the zaftig figure which was caused, I do pretend,
By binging in the joints on list that Zagat siblings penned.