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Yesterday we did our Desirable Old Residences Tour of Metro Manila, conducted by Rene, who has lived in or wanted to live in these buildings. Rene has a bit of a Nora Aunor complex (constantly moving house), and Noel is into interior design. We are generally indifferent to interiors—for years we slept on our couch and had sheets taped to the windows in lieu of curtains—but we enjoy hanging out with our friends.

Our first stop was the large tree-lined compound on F.B. Harrison near Edsa in Pasay, the one with the red gate. We don’t know what it’s called—according to Eric Paras, whose furniture gallery Artelano 11 occupies two houses, it’s referred to as the Chinese compound. The houses are two-storey structures built in the middle of the last century, which is the romantic way of saying “50s, 60s”. When you’re in the compound you forget that you are smack in the middle of urban chaos.

These residences are so desirable that a hotel is reportedly leasing five houses to turn into tourist accommodations.

Look at those machuca tiles. Our Sunday snooping quickly turned into an Xmas shopping expedition. No more wading into the mall for last-minute presents at the peak of the holiday rush hahaha!

This birdcage should be eight feet tall. Then you could hire a naked male model to sit in it, and occasionally pelt him with birdseed.

A-11 has plenty of inexpensive china pieces (A set of 6 saucers for Php300), such as this plate with a spider design. This plate is perfect for that someone you hate but still have to give a present to (co-worker, in-law, etc), who happens to be arachnophobic. Imagine serving them a nice pudding on this plate, watching them enjoy it, and then seeing them freak out as the spider emerges from under the sauce…

“If you hate them, then don’t give them anything,” Juan pointed out later.

“You’re not cooperating!”

Bookends for book lovers and an off-kilter bookshelf for off-kilter book lovers.

These are black mirrors. On May Day Eve, says the story by Nick Joaquin, take a candle and go into a dark room that has a mirror in it. You will see either the man you will marry, or the devil.

Approach the mirror with your candle and say, “Mirror, mirror, show to me him whose woman I will be.” And our hand will shoot out of the mirror and slap you. “You really want to be someone’s property? Gaga!”

The black mirrors are gorgeous but cost more than the crazy bookshelf.

And here’s a great gift for Lino Brocka fans: an old-fashioned flatiron (plantsa). Not only an excellent conversation piece (We don’t know how to iron clothes), but a wonderful prop for reenactments of the climax of Insiang starring Hilda Koronel and Mona Lisa.

Artelano 11 is at 2680 F.B. Harrison St, Pasay City, telephone (02)832.9972, email a_eleven05@yahoo.com.

Next: North Syquia and the MacArthur Suite at Manila Hotel. By the way, if there is anyone living at Rosaria reading this, could you let us into the building? We hear it’s fabulous and we just want to have a look. One does not simply walk into Rosaria, one must be invited, but unlike vampires we promise to exsanguinate no one.

Our latest books, Geeks Vs. Jocks—a collection of our articles on tennis, rugby and more death-defying games such as politics, and The Stories So Far, our new short stories, will be available at the end of the year in e-book form. There’s been a delay because we’re finicky, but they are definitely coming.

The print edition appears next year. Buy the e-book and get a discount on the hardback. Yes, hardback. (Our books have never appeared in hardcover, a lingering frustration we can now address.)

In the meantime, if you’re looking for holiday presents for friends who are sympathetic to the cause of World Domination or whom you wish to convert, or if you just need to stop thinking about what to get people for Xmas, give them the gift of Twisted. We’ll even sign the books for them.

Fill out the order form below and email it to saffron.safin@gmail.com. Our elves will get back to you within the day to confirm your order.

ORDER FORM – Twisted

You can pick up and pay for your orders at Nexus Technologies, G/F Don Pablo Building, Amorsolo St (between De la Rosa and Rufino Sts), Makati City, near Makati Medical Center. Part of our sales will go to Nexus’s Yolanda Relief Fund.

This offer is good till 30 December 2013 or until our stocks last.

* * * * *

Thank you for your inquiries. Each book (newsprint, brand new) is Php200. Yes, we can ship complete sets of Twisted (10 books) abroad, provided all the books are in stock. If you’re ordering Twisted from another country, you should probably buy at least 10 books or the shipping cost will exceed the cost of the books.

Because the world needs to hear “Imma hit that thing again” in that voice.

Read No Shit, Cumberbatch at More Intelligent Life.

This is George Tapan’s photo of Onok Island in Balabac, Palawan, winner of the 2011 National Geographic Photo Contest.

Have you been to Palawan? Boracay? Was it fabulous? Did you have a great time? Show us the proof, and if we’re really impressed, we’ll give you a free ticket to one of these Tigerair destinations.

Here’s how to join our Tiger Travel to Palawan/Boracay contest.

1. Pick the best photos you have personally taken in Palawan or Boracay.
2. Email them in jpeg files of not larger than 1MB each to koosi.obrien@gmail.com. Include your full name, a brief description of what’s in the picture, when and where you took it, and with what camera or phone.
3. You can submit up to ten photo entries, but send only one photo per email. (So ten photos would require ten emails.)
4. Entries will be accepted until noon on 27 December 2013.
5. Finalists will be posted here on Tuesdays and Thursdays until the deadline.
6. The winner will be announced here on 30 December 2013. The prize is a Tigerair domestic travel voucher covering one round trip to Puerto Princesa, Palawan or Kalibo, Aklan (But you could also use it for a round trip to other Tigerair domestic destinations: Cebu, Iloilo, Bacolod or Tacloban).

This contest is sponsored by Tigerair Philippines. To find out more about Tigerair deals and promos, follow TigerAir Philippines on Facebook and Twitter.

Inside Llewyn Davis stars a ginger tom cat named Ulysses, who is actually several cats because cats are divas and don’t like doing retakes. Cute cat, and his human co-star’s not bad, either. Ulysses has received plaudits for his performance, particularly for that scene in the subway where he watches the signs whooshing by (and he is apparently a running theme haha). We are wary of movies featuring animal performers because we were traumatized by Old Yeller, and we especially hate movies where the animal characters are killed off just so the audience will feel something. We don’t think the Coen Brothers will torment Ulysses, but they do enjoy torturing their human characters (wood chippers, bolt guns, etc) so we can’t be sure. Nothing bad better happen to that cat. (This being a Coens movie, we’re assuming Llewyn Davis doesn’t live happily ever after.)

Here are Saffy and Mat’s horror movie auditions.

Read Do Cats Control My Mind? in The Atlantic.

We went to Finale Art File for the opening of Block by Paulo Vinluan. Block is Paulo’s hand-drawn animated black-and-white video. It’s on view at Finale until 2 January 2014.

After viewing Block several times, we went upstairs to check out the Vic Balanon exhibit and were delighted to find that it was an hommage to the films of Alfred Hitchcock. On one wall, an animated version of Cary Grant in North by Northwest is perpetually running towards the viewer; on the next wall, Eva Marie Saint from the same movie is forever running away.

The Fall by Vic Balanon

In Hitchcock movies, people are frequently holding on for dear life. Balanon’s The Fall considers four of these characters:

The saboteur Frank Fry (Norman Lloyd) clinging to the hand of the Statue of Liberty in Saboteur. All these photos are from the 1,000 Frames of Hitchcock project.

Injured photographer L.B. Jefferies (James Stewart) hanging onto the window of his New York apartment in Rear Window.

Acrophobic detective Scottie Ferguson (Stewart again) clinging desperately to the edge of the roof in Vertigo.

The mysterious blonde Eve Kendall (Eva Marie Saint) hanging over the side of Mount Rushmore in North by Northwest.

Two men getting intimately acquainted with American monuments:

The villain played by Martin Landau at Mount Rushmore.

Norman Lloyd again at the Statue of Liberty.

Yes, we love Hitchcock.

Finale Art File is at Warehouse 17, La Fuerza Compound (Gate 1), 2241 Pasong Tamo, Makati City. Telephone (02)813.2310, 812.5034.