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The Ghent Altarpiece, one of the priceless artworks the Monuments Men had to recover, is the most stolen artwork of all time.

And we love the story. A small, overworked crew of curators, art historians and conservators lands in Europe to recover works of art looted by the Nazi’s for Hitler’s dream museum. They’re saving civilization itself (though as Leo points out, not from a Marxist perspective).

Pity that the movie is a clunker. George Clooney, who wrote, directed and stars in this adaptation of Robert Edsel’s book, spends too much time explaining why the mission was of vital importance and not enough time engaging the audience. George, darling, if you’re going to give us the basic lecture on art history, it would be better to come to our houses and deliver it in person. The voice-overs with the overbearing musical score telling us how it’s our duty to care about the mission: Ugh.

The Monuments Men is a waste of an excellent cast: Why hire Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett, Hugh Bonneville, Jean Dujardin, Bob Balaban and especially Bill Murray if you’re not going to give them anything to work with? Balaban’s character was based on Lincoln Kirstein, founder of the New York City Ballet. Other than a few barbs delivered by the cranky private, the comedic potential of this situation was squandered.

If you want an engrossing account of the Nazis’ wholesale art theft, watch the documentary, The Rape of Europa. It’s more exciting than Monuments Men.

One of the panels of the Ghent Altarpiece is still missing.

And read about Anne Olivier Bell, the last of the Monuments Men—a woman who is not mentioned in the film. (Too bad, they could’ve used another female character.)

We were making a list of Irish movies (The Commitments, The Quiet Man, My Left Foot, Once…) with our Irish friend Kevin when we remembered what could be the finest of them all: John Huston’s adaptation of James Joyce’s The Dead.

The Dead is the final story in Joyce’s Dubliners, and its last lines are among the greatest in literature.

Read The Dead.

Our Philippine Eagle toy arrived yesterday in its own drawstring bag. It’s a good-looking bird.

– Hello, I am Jeffrey, short for Pithecophaga jefferyi.

– I’m Drogon! You’re a funny-looking creature. What are you?
– I’m a Philippine Eagle!

– What’s a Philippine Eagle?
– A giant forest raptor endemic to the Philippines.

– A raptor? Like in Jurassic Park?
– Well we are descended from dinosaurs.
– But you look like a bird.
– I am a bird. Did you know some dinosaurs had feathers?

– Do you taste like chicken? I love chicken! Can I eat you?
– No. You may not eat me. I am rare and critically endangered.
– Oh. Wanna play?
– Okay!

– When I grow up I’ll kick your ass.
– When I grow up I’ll have dragonfire.
– Eagles eat small mammals in the wild.
– We’re not in the wild.

Get your adorable Philippine Eagle stuffed toy at The Library of Babel today. Retail price: Php699 plus shipping to the known world. Your purchase helps fund the Philippine Eagle Foundation, which is dedicated to saving this endangered species and its rainforest habitat.

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8. Dove yourself. Good skin and hair care doesn’t require huge expense; the trusted brand is available in supermarkets everywhere. We especially recommend it to people who get headaches or break out from strong (masangsang) scents. Go buy yourself a whole lot of Dove products—they’ll still fall under Basic Necessities.

9. Cheap date with yourself! Note: Cheap is bad only if your date is paying. If you’re paying, it’s great.

First, buy your favorite Oishi snacks.

Then curl up with Season 3 of BBC’s Sherlock. It’s not just a show, it’s leverage in negotiations with China. (Read Chinese Sherlock Fans Asked David Cameron to Make Producers Hurry Up.)

Baked Porky Popps, Holmes and Watson. Happy.

10. Write.

You can never have too many beautiful notebooks. To justify acquiring them, you’ll just have to write more. The Pantone Artist and Writer’s Notebook from Chronicle Books features a Pantone color chip on every page. Thick cardboard covers, perfect binding, smooth white paper. The notebook measures 7 x 9 inches and retails at Php897 at National Bookstores. (We have a book moratorium; we didn’t say anything about stationery hahahaha.)

An excerpt from our story 914, 915, 916 appears in Issue #4 of Perro Berde, the Hispano-Filipino cultural journal published by the Embassy of Spain in the Philippines. The translation is by Fernando Moline Royo. This is the first time our work has been translated into Spanish. Our stories have been translated into Italian, and a French translation will appear later this year. We welcome translations in all languages (especially Elvish and Klingon); just drop us a line.

The full text of 914, 915, 916 will appear in our anthology, The Stories So Far.

If you speak Spanish, could you tell us if we sound deranged? Didn’t learn a thing in 12 units of required college Spanish.

Click on the text to enlarge.

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