JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Jodorowsky is wise.

My friends and I like to consult tarot card readers. Such readings can bring up alternative outcomes that would never have occurred to us. Some readings are as good as psychotherapy.

Of course, 90 percent of professional tarot card readings are bullshit. The charlatan will fish for information, guess at what you really want, and promise it to you. The salesperson type of card reader will read something scary in your cards—An elemental is in love with you so he is thwarting all your relationships!—and then offer to sell you a spell or amulet to counter the elemental’s powers. Or else the card reader says there is something fabulous in your future—But you have secret enemies!—then offers supernatural countermeasures, for a fee.

Years ago, I tagged along with my friend Otsu to a card reading. This fortune-teller did not use tarot cards, preferring ordinary playing cards. He laid out the cards, looked at Otsu, and said, “In the 70s, you lived in Forbes Park.”

He was correct.

“Your house was white, with a green gate, and there was a path made of stones leading to the front door.”

Otsu nodded in amazement.

“Your mother is very strict and intimidating,” the fortune-teller continued.

“Yes. That’s amazing! You can see all these in the cards?” Otsu asked.

“No, miss. I was your houseboy in Forbes in the 70s.”

At least he was honest.

I knew a spookily gifted tarot reader. (Don’t ask me for her number, she died some years ago.) She said: “You will receive a job offer. Accept it, it will be good for you.” The very next day, Abe Florendo called to say he was organizing the lifestyle section of a new daily broadsheet and would I be interested in writing a column?

We are always looking for gifted tarot card readers, so let us know if you find any.

Here’s a tarot reading with a cat.