Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column # 34: What’ll I do he’s out of my league and I’ll never see him again
Dear Auntie Janey,
I met this guy at an office meeting a week ago. He’s from a service provider working on a consultation basis and I was tasked to provide him background information on the project he needs to work on. I was terribly late for the meeting which was scheduled way before my usual shift. Had I known that I would meet an interesting person that day, I would have taken time to shave and dress for the meeting.
I was a complete mess that day but he doesn’t seem to mind. As a matter of fact he was indifferent. It was like a scene from one of those romcoms where the lead falls in love with someone who oblivious to his existence. Except that in this case the lead is a 33-year-old gay guy far less attractive than Hugh Grant.
I did some research (aka stalking) and confirmed that he is gay. However, the more I found out about him in cyberspace, the more that I’ve realized that he’s out of my league. The idea of dating someone out of my league is alien to me because I have a healthy sense of self-esteem and I do not classify people into “inferiors” or “superiors”. But here I am today. Smitten and totally feeling inferior.
My mind tells me to heed Robert Greene’s 36th law and save myself a few weeks of heartache. But my heart tells me that he could be the one and I should give it a shot. To complicate matters, it seems that our first meeting will be our last as he will be working on the project independently. It would seem very inappropriate to reach out to him on a personal level.
Unless of course I am Hugh Grant because he can get away with doing silly things just by being charming. I’d probably just wait for the deus ex machina. I won’t hold my breath for it but hopefully it happens before the credits roll.
I don’t know what help I’m asking for. I suppose I just need to hear from someone who would understand.
Thanks,
Queer Guy in Need of a Straight Eye
Dear Queer Guy in Need of a Straight Eye,
This I say unto you: ASK HIM OUT.
Gays are still guys, you know, despite disputable claims that some of them are women trapped in men’s bodies. Heterosexual guys can become fast friends by just talking about sports even though they have nothing much in common. If they like each other, they are instant friends. The same principle applies to gays. After one good conversation or good sex, the two parties can decide that they are a couple.
If he accepts your sudden and unprovoked invitation to coffee or wherever you are planning to take him, it means that he is interested. If he declines, you are not his type. If he declines but asks for your number, he is interested. There is really no sleuthing around when it comes to gay relationships. If the guy says he likes you, he likes you. If he says otherwise, move on to the next guy. There is no need to look for subtext here. Take everything at face value. After all, it’s between guys and most guys are direct and blunt about these things.
The “league” factor is a big deal I must say. Guys are also innately competitive and there’s definitely the tendency to make the other feel inferior. The “I’m bigger” attitude is there. But you’ll never know unless you ask him out. It’s the to know if you have a chance.
I think the indicator of a good homosexual relationship is that there is a give-and-take cycle going on—a symbiotic relationship (bayotic, get it?). Both guys are deriving satisfactory benefits from one another. However, if one is doing all the work while the other just lies there, something is wrong. Somebody is taking advantage of the other. It’s already a parasitic relationship.
Yours truly,
Auntie Janey
Would you like Auntie Janey to meddle in your life? Email agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com.
Note: References to The Lord of the Rings and Dune have been redacted as cheap and convenient. If there is anything we wish our readers to take away, it is this: Avoid the cheap and convenient.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
October 28th, 2011 at 09:37
to auntie janey: ehhhh? *puzzled* looks like a double standard to me. why can Queer Guy ask him out when you always advise the ladies that write to you to always wait for the guy to make a move? aside from the above situation involving 2 anatomically male specimens, what gives? if women nowadays can plan for and pursue their careers, why can’t they do the same for their love lives?
just curious. i’d just finished reading Pride & Prejudice. i think it was the first time i read the book. if it wasn’t, i probably couldn’t relate before that’s why i couldn’t remember it. while reading it, something struck me which i’d actually thought of bringing up to you. Jane Bennet almost lost her guy because she hadn’t been encouraging enough. she was found to be indifferent or at least that’s what Mr. Bingley’s detractors were telling him. and it convinced him! i think that sentiment, although not exactly the same circumstances, still occur today. so i guess with my questions above, i’m going to ask, what’s a modern-day Jane Bennet to do?
October 28th, 2011 at 09:38
“a symbiotic relationship (bayotic, get it?)”
-Haha! Natawa ako dito. Benta!
“There is no need to look for subtext here.”
-This is why we envy gay relationships.
Queer Guy in Need of a Straight Eye: Teh, GOFURET! :)
October 28th, 2011 at 12:10
sunflowii: Totoo yan! Uto-uto si Ginoong Bingley at walang paninindigan; nakikinig siya sa mga asungot na nakapaligid sa kanya.
October 28th, 2011 at 12:30
sunflowii: Because gays are different from women. It’s lalake to lalake. No double standard here. Equality of the sexes do not apply here because the matter involved is confined within one sex.Boys are wired differently from girls. Pero if someone would email me for particulars on how gay courtships should go…
Hindi concern ng modern day Jane Benet kung ano ang sinasabi ng mga detractors ng kanyang Mr. Bingley. Hindi niya fault kung uto-uto ang boylet. Gusto ba ng modern Jane Benet na makakuha ng uto-uto na boylet?
Careers and mating are totally different matters. If you want to have a discussion on this point, please email me and lay down your arguments. Hehehe.
October 28th, 2011 at 15:14
I’m a gay man and the dynamics of gay dating/courtship/relationship is no different from its heterosexual counterpart. There are gay men who thinks like a straight guy (no complications, face value) and those that are too complicated (passive aggressive, drama queens, wants to be the “girl” in the relationship).
But in general, we are like guys too. We can have sex on a first date without making a huge deal about it, we can break up with our boyfriend by not replying anymore to his texts and he would get it right away that we are no longer interested, and when we say things like “I like you” or “I love you,” we really mean it.
No harm in asking the guy out. If he declines, at least you won’t look back and regret not doing anything. Gay men for keeps are not really keen about devastatingly good looking men. If you are presentable, have good manners, and can converse about anything that will last the date for more than two hours, you are marketable enough.
Gay dating in Manila lacks good looking (or “presentable”) but sensible, intelligent men with kind hearts. There is a surplus on gym-fit, shallow, snooty, and rude gay men. We should outnumber them.
October 28th, 2011 at 16:58
Pare, I feel that the perception that the other guy is “out of your league” is holding you back. If you do ask him out, and he says yes, you would feel starstruck and more importantly, insecure about yourself. If this relationship does push through, then it wont be a relationship on equal footing (even if he does treat you as an equal) because you will be putting yourself down. So you should get yourself out of this funk.
Besides, didn’t the great philosopher sage Confucius once say: “Pantay pantay lahat ng tao, pag nakahiga”? It’s not what you do outside of the relationship that matters, it’s what you do when you’re in it.
So my suggestion is to stop stalking and go ahead and ask him out! Who knows, maybe he has a huge black balat in his ass which would make you feel better. Hehehehe
October 28th, 2011 at 19:00
sunflowii and Auntie Janey: minor clarification lang, hindi ‘detractors’ ni Mr. Bingley ang muntik nang maka-cause ng lifelong heartbreak kay Jane Bennet, kundi ang kanyang kaibigang si Mr. Darcy na ubod na pakialamero at dominante. The meddlesome (remember he arranged Lydia’s marriage to Wickham without consulting the Bennets) Mr. Darcy mistook Jane’s innate sense of modesty for indifference and, true to form, discouraged Mr. Bingley from taking the courtship to the next level. Aba ay kinailangan pa ni Mr. Bingley ng approval and go signal ni Mr. Darcy para mapagkatiwalaan niya ang kanyang sariling damdamin para kay Jane. What’s a modern-day Jane Bennet to do? Be less Jane and more Elizabeth.
October 28th, 2011 at 22:46
@#7avignon: Ay oo nga. Makapag-review nga.
October 28th, 2011 at 23:42
Auntie Janey, I had to reread the original letter and your response just to be sure my first impression of it wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction. After rereading it, I would still believe it if Jessica suddenly reveals that an impostor had taken Auntie Janey’s place here. =) The about-turn (or should I say unfairness?) was just so out of character for me.
I’ll set aside the comparison to careers. Here’s what I read and how I thought Auntie Janey would respond (pardon to the Queer Guy. I am not trying to dissect your letter or your feelings. I am merely trying to understand why if you were a woman, Auntie Janey’s response would be different):
1. QG wrote “I was a complete mess that day but he doesn’t seem to mind.” What I expected AJ to write: He doesn’t mind because he only saw you as a person he needs to do business with. Don’t read anything more into it.
2. QG wrote “My mind tells me to…. But my heart tells me that he could be the one and I should give it a shot.” I expected AJ to warn QG not to pursue the guy because if the guy had been interested, he would be the one pursuing QG. That is the Auntie Janey that I know.
3. AJ wrote “If he accepts your sudden and unprovoked invitation to coffee or wherever you are planning to take him, it means that he is interested.” Or it could mean he’s just thirsty or hungry. I’m not clear about where this consultant is from but what if he’s new to the city/country and just wants to be toured around or have some company during meals?
In short, why is it that you try to knock some sense into the women that write to you but you won’t rein in the sensibilities of Queer Guy? I still don’t see the difference. If guys are simply direct about these things, why not tell the women to ask the objects of their desire out anyway but advice them to prepare for and accept the bluntness of a negative outcome?
And no, a modern day Jane Bennet would not want an uto-uto for a boylet. But there are some instances where the boylet and the chicklet are just torpe/shy/clueless. Not every guy is an expert in courtship and pursuit. Can’t the chicklet help the boylet along? =) Be more Elizabeth than Jane, as avignon wrote.
October 29th, 2011 at 01:28
Thank you Sunflowii for the thorough analysis of what I have written in the past. I really do appreciate it and I have been waiting for someone to point this out to me.
I still stand by what I have advised to women in the past. Despite the progress that we have attained in terms of gender equality, women empowerment and gender sensitivity, there are still some things that are different for men and women.
True, if Queer Guy was a woman, I would have exactly said the things that you yourself had written. I still believe that women should not make the first move. Why? Because men were designed to woo and women to be wooed. As somebody succinctly said to me “Men are designed to spread their DNA while women are designed to nurture their offspring”. This is not a social or cultural thing. It’s biological. And let’s face it, this may sound sexist but generally speaking, women have much more to lose than men when the relationship breaks down. I want women to protect themselves emotionally and socially.
Women are nurturing. I have grown up surrounded by women and I am also currently surrounded by women. Women like to give their all and create very strong bonds. They care for everyone who is within their influence. They would readily give their whole being if they think the object of their affections is worthy of it. They simultaneously think with their heads and feel with their hearts – which is an amazing thing.
But, most men are not like that. Men think along a single line. Men’s psyche are designed to fix on a certain point and employ all their powers to get to that point. Single-mindedness(or as their wives would sometimes complain, kakitiran ng utak, walang pakialam, manhid) is their main attribute which is represented by, what else, their penis. When the penis has achieved its purpose, it becomes flaccid. The same goes with a man’s mentality. Once he’s achieved something, he will not stop and settle there. He will look for another point to fix upon and exert his efforts once again to go there. A female writer even wrote that if it were not for the males, there would have been no civilization. She also said that if all of humankind were composed of females, we would still be living in caves. Men need to have something to fix onto otherwise they would just wander aimlessly. Women actually have no need for fixed points for they themselves are already complete. Women are cyclical and not point-oriented.
Which brings me to my point: women have to make themselves the object of men’s desires for that is how they can truly possess a man. Women must make men exert a lot of effort and invest a lot of time and money on them because men only value what they have worked so hard for. Yes, yes, you could say that women can be pursuers too, equality and all that. But true equality is not blind to fundamental differences. Men and women are different. Period. Women may act as men but they can never be men and vice-versa.
If a woman opens herself up to a man, literally and figuratively, without much prompting from a man, that man will not stay long with her. Even if she bears him a child. Why would he value someone that he did not invest much into in the first place? Here lies the core difference between a man and a woman. A man can do anything without emotional connection, while a woman almost always acts with her heart.
Now, let’s use war as a metaphor for M2M relations. After all, war is also an invention of the males. Here are two guys wielding swords. How do you make these two trust each other? How do you make peace? You lay down your sword and extend your hand. Handshakes were originally intended to show the other party that one is not bearing any weapons. This is how it goes for gay courtship, you show that you are not a threat, you are interested and you offer yourself to the other guy. As in some parleys, the other guy would just suddenly pick up his sword and stab you. In the gay world, rejections are instantaneous and vicious. It’s not all fine and dandy in their dating world. Men are innately competitive, quarrelsome and territorial. How do you broker peace and foster love between them? Someone has to make the first move. There is no place for coyness in there.
October 29th, 2011 at 02:33
Auntie Janey, I really appreciate your quick response especially since I know that you are replying in the middle of the night when it is my lunch hour where I am.
While writing my response above, I did have a feeling that you recommend caution for women because they have more to lose (assuming that for gays and their boylets, safe sex is the norm). I didn’t mention it though as I wanted it to come from you. Thanks as I do agree with your recommendation. =)
October 29th, 2011 at 10:08
QG, it’s 2011. Ask him out. I would advise the same thing to a guy, a gay man, a woman, or a lesbian interested in someone else.
Also, Hugh Grant may not be the best example to live up to; just ask Liz Hurley. Unless what you’re after is a simple car… tryst, whereupon Hugh Grant is the right role model, I suppose.
October 29th, 2011 at 17:28
Well, you are not getting any younger. So seize the day and try something. I think you’re just making excuses with your made up inferiority complex.
Cheers, Teh! Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh!