JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I am up at 3AM mulling over what to do about my personal affairs. You sound like someone with a lot of common sense so I thought you might be able to help. I’m very ‘type A personality’ and rarely discuss how I feel, even with friends. But I have this problem all of a sudden.

We have this newbie at work whom I started chatting with/ joking around with maybe about a month ago. She’s very smart and charming and it just follows everyone will like her it’s just that I couldn’t sleep I think about her constantly. Even when I’m not in the office. So apart from the few times I’ve talked to her I hardly ever know her. And I mean, I barely know her. I have severe privacy issues I refuse to jump into this whole social networking thing. So cross out twitter/facebook stalking. We don’t have common friends. And then we’re in different departments. So we’re as disconnected as can be. We’ve nothing to do with each other at all.

Except that during those very few times we’ve talked I feel this very strong connection with her. I grew up too soon and am calloused beyond my years so I have no fantasies about ‘how it feels so right’. Love affairs can be one of the most horrible things in the world. My last affair from 3 years ago ended so badly I’m not even sure how I survived it. I haven’t even been able to understand that yet, so I’m not exactly very eager to move on to the next one.

This girl smiles at me a lot and we have interesting conversations, but I think she’s generally unaware of my existence. Well, I took a week off one time and when I got back she told me she missed me. But I guess people say that all the time now.

She’s in a serious/steady relationship and on top of that, I’m beginning to suspect my boss likes her. And they hang out a lot. And I don’t like what I feel when I see them. We won’t ever hang out because I’m so painfully shy. I can just spend day after day after day pretending not to notice her. I’m one of those people at work who’s extremely preoccupied. I can play it that way.

But do you think I should give it a try? And how do you gauge that? I mean when do you try and go against the odds (boyfriend/ unofficial boyfriends, etc) and when do you choose to just let it go?I’ve thought about how love is really a form of self expression like writing or painting. It’s something that you just put out there. Like you owe it to yourself to do that. I mean, should I, in this situation, try?

First of all, I strongly suggest that you refrain from using “Love and Kisses” when closing your letters, especially when you are writing to a total stranger. You are no longer a giggly pony-tailed eight-year old girl and I have no inclination to smother you with hugs and kisses in return.

We can never be certain if we are ready for relationships. We might be telling ourselves that we have no time for it, that we are not mature enough, and even boast that we don’t need it. It is only when the universe plops someone onto our laps can we truly say whether we are ready for that someone or not. I will not attempt to ascertain your readiness for love for you seem to have sufficient self-awareness to do that on your own.

What made my ears perk up was your statement that the girl is in a steady relationship. Could it be that you want her because there seems to be an insurmountable barrier between you and her? Nothing whets desire better than having something so near but beyond reach. Think about it. You are in different departments, you do not have easy access to her and you have your inherent limitations and idiosyncracies which you think are incompatible with her. Man, she got you hooked. Pragmatically speaking, she may be very friendly towards you because she’s new at the office and she just wants to make friends and create a good impression.

You want her. There is no denying that. You are even jealous of your boss, who could be spending a lot of time with her because she’s new and he’s helping her get the hang of things. Maybe her job requires her to spend more time with him?

What to do?

Instead of jumping in and going all out crazy in the name of love, I suggest you be friendly with her. Just hang out with her more. Take the time and make the effort of being around her. Do not be a stalker. Let her get used to your presence and do not be intrusive. Study her and her ways. Always remember that she is still in a relationship. Do not let on that you want her for yourself. Get to know her well and you might see something that turns you off or make you decide that she’s worth risking it all.

If you decide that she is indeed worth it all, I suggest that you embody most if not all of the things that she wants in a man. You must not just pretend to be the man of her dreams, you must become him. You may have to alter your behavior, the way you think, even the way you live. Surely, her current boyfriend may have his faults and you can slowly ease him out by assuming characteristics that she thinks are wanting in him. But do not let on that you are doing this.

Be subtle and cunning. If you corner her, she will just panic and bolt. Some may insist that you should just be who you are but Albert Einstein said, “The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”. We could all do some alteration and modification. Even diamonds have to be polished and cut before they are set into jewelry.