JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I’ve been wanting to write for some time now but I can not muster the courage to do so until now.

You see, I’m a 28 year old gay guy (I guess the subject is a dead give away) who is still discreet about it (I’ve just begun telling my colleagues in my new work place and it seems fine to them. I get the occasional look of disbelief after the surprise. Hey, it’s better to tell it right to their faces than have them back stab me, saying something like “look at his mannerisms!”, “he’s too kind for a guy!”, “he dresses too… uhm, neat!”. I just hope it wouldn’t backlash on me like what it did for the Hello Garci tapes). I just began accepting who I am last December 2011. My, that’s 20-something years of hiding my true self. Although I had a BF of five years, there’s this notion inside that what I’m doing was wrong; the half part says that I loved him, the other part was demonizing every single thing the other self did (super ego, i suppose?). I think that explains why it took that long for me to, uh, spread my wings like a cute, little butterfly… with pixie dusts.

After that small introduction, I have a few questions I hope you can help me with:

1. Just like what I said, I just began coming out, and I’m still having a hard time dealing with it. You see, for that long, I’ve managed to be discreet of who I am, so I act “strange” (the kind when you see a guy on the street and you know that there’s something iffy about him). So what I did was to start being me, without having to stereotype myself as being gay or straight. Somehow, it worked, because I became happy and just being care free most of the time, without minding if someone would snicker behind my back saying “sabi sayo bakla eh!”. Well it happened, and that part, is the worst. Is that how straight people look at us, as if we’ve done something wrong? They acted strange as well, maybe they don’t know how to talk to someone who looks and acts straight but is gay. Hell I’m confused. Not with myself but on what to do with those kind of people.

2. Something is bugging me as well. Since I’m straight-acting (I hate to use that since it stereotypes the person and confines them into what the society wants to think about us, but what the heck), girls would get crushes on me. I’m not that bad looking, they even ask if I’m pure pinoy. That might have made it harder for them to realize that we are in search of the same thing. I don’t wanna do a Piolo Pascual – KC scenario, because it just wouldn’t be fair for the the lady. There’s this one girl at work who’s sweet and soft-spoken, and I feel she has a thing for me. The bad (or good) thing is, I have a crush on her as well. What gives? Am I nuts? I know I’m gay, the first relationship I had was with my ex-BF and that’s that. Could this be something you can construed as “naguguluhan”? I didn’t dive into an M2M relationship for experimentation purposes… One thing is certain though, I want a kid, but I don’t know how to do it.

3. Since I’m starting to come out of my closet, I don’t know how to bring this up to my parents/relatives/siblings/former colleagues, friends from previous companies, etc. The reason I was able to come out in the new company is because no one else know me from before and it would be a good opportunity for me to see what they would think. Is there any way to soften the blow? I know my parents MAY already know, I mean, I’m 28, I haven’t brought any girl in the house. If I’m the parent, my son would be long overdue. I always end up making excuses like I wanna study first, I have to work for a living, etc. but it’s already tiring. I’m sick of hiding. I’ve always ridiculed this part of me, never acknowledging that I’m really gay (I know, it’s confusing. I had a BF, but I still don’t wanna be teased gay. Ironic, but its all in the past. I’m absorbing all gayness in the world and I cannot hold it in anymore. I may not be effeminate, but I’m definitely gay). I’m just afraid they would be disappointed, because I wouldn’t be able to transfer the good genes to the next one in line or whatever they may think after the revelation.

4. There’s a lot of discreet guys in the office, and I get enough meaningful stares to make my day. In particular, I have this super crush on my current supervisor. Before I was put under his care, we would say our Hi’s and Hello’s every time we passed by each other. He’s definitely a looker, but the first time you lay your eyes on him, you know he’s also gay. a homophobic, discreet gay. I may be wrong as well, because some of those mannerisms might have rubbed off on him when he was growing up (just like what my colleague said, he may have gotten those from people who he works with. Thinking about it, Jules Ledesma comes to mind, he sounds gay, but he’s not(?)). I’m gay, and was also discreet before, so I know when a person is hiding his gayness or not. Now that got me confused. A part of me says that he’s gay, the other part says it’s just his mannerisms. I like him a lot, he has the qualities I’m looking for in a gay guy, but I’m not sure how to approach him. I don’t wanna offend and blew my chances of winning him over, but it is killing me everytime I see him smile. Makalaglag panty ika nga. Plus, he’s my supervisor. Office relationship sucks. Why did I also say he’s homophobic? There’s this one time when we were on a common room (me with my team mates, he with his friends). I’ve been getting a lot of attention lately, so I know he also saw me before. Someone in their group must have said something good about me, and then all of a sudden, his direct manager (who was with them), blurted “eh bakla kaya!” two or three times, with matching stares of disbelief from their group. I didn’t care, I want everyone to know now that I’m gay, but I caught him looking at me. That’s that, he never made eye contact to me anymore and every time I would come over to talk to him, he seems agitated or something. Then I felt it. He didn’t want to be near me. That was before he even became my supervisor. I even added him on FB but he never accepted it (it’s been 3 days and counting). Now I’m under his direct supervision and he cannot afford to just disregard me anymore since he has to look into my stats and all. He then held a meeting for us newbies on the team and every time we would make eye contact, I made sure I returned the favor. It would last for about 6-7 seconds and then he would shift his gaze to a different person. Then the process is repeated. Is this just a case of stalking tendencies on my part? I’m a hopeless romantic, so could that have affected the way I perceive him (e.i. he’s ignoring me but deep inside he likes me too)? Could it be that I’m too naive, fantasizing we are in a relationship when I’m not even sure if he likes me or not? Could it be that he’s really straight and all is just wishful thinking to satisfy my needs and wants? Am I neurotic?? Should I open up to him that I like him? Should I just forget him, or just play along and see what would happen? I’m afraid I may lose him if I don’t do anything about it now…

Thank you for taking the time reading my e-mail tita. There are still more questions I’d like to ask but these would suffice for now. I hope you can enlighten me with your guiding spirits of gayness.

This has to be the longest letter I’ve received so far and The Very Fabulous and Exquisitely Beautiful Guiding Spirits of Gayness (T.V.F.E.B.G.S.G) were very pleased at having been summoned once again. They feel that we have been asking too much of them of late and are hinting that they may not make an appearance next time we need their counsel unless a sacrifice is on hand. I dare not venture into a discussion about a fitting sacrifice.

Danton Remoto(he’s the authority that comes to mind), while guesting on Jessica’s show at NU 107 that aired around 9:00 pm on a Monday sometime in 2003 or 2004, declared that a homosexual is someone who is sexually attracted to members of the same sex. That’s it. If you want to discuss cross-dressers, we will have to distinguish between heterosexual cross dressers and homosexual cross dressers. If we also factor in effeminate mannerisms, we will have to discuss it in the cultural context. If we get it all wrong, we will end up declaring most of the French men homosexuals. That won’t be pretty(I have always been wondering whether the wine shop called Epicene(?) at Rockwell subtly targets the homosexual market or the owners are merely trying to evoke Frenchiness).

In this country, the stereotype of a homosexual man is someone who cross dresses, is very fluent in sward speak, very skilled at hair-dressing and make-up application, and has the desperate need to become a woman. The heterosexual community does not understand that a large and hidden segment of the gay population are extremely fond of their penises and those of their counterparts and are preoccupied with achieving the image of the perfect masculine homosexual man. Di ba bro?

The first thing you should practice as an out gay man is the art of dead malice. Now that your are out, you will be facing a lot of jeers, leers, mockery, and ridicule. I’ll-treatment usually comes from the ignorant. Just keep holding your head up high, focus on whatever you are doing, and live your life well. It is not your obligation to change or convert them. You are under no duty to explain yourself to them. Deadmahin ang mga tsaka! Total indifference is more potent than love and hate.

Women like to fawn over handsome homosexual men. People are usually attracted to what they cannot have. Your female magnet powers are equivalent to those of cute priests and cute married men. Women will be more brazen and forthright with you. They will outrageously flirt with you, brush their breasts on your arms, and drape themselves on you in public. They will think of you as an adorable play thing. They will be less inhibited with you because they are not sexually threatened by you. Domineering or strong women are usually drawn to homosexuals or effeminate men. The adoring women will be like those pearls thrown to a pig. Some heterosexual men may even accuse you of faking it so that you could get on with the girls.

It is normal for gay guys to have crushes on girls. Even girls have crushes on other girls. But if you want to boink a girl and also boink a boy, you are bisexual in the strictest sense of the word. I am aware that some gay men use ‘bisexual’ as a synonym for ‘straight-acting’. Not all gays are familiar with the dictionary. And if you want a kid, you can always adopt unless you are daring enough to have sex with a girl. Or you can have somebody artificially inseminated with your sperm. Be creative hija!

In the Philippines, coming out is a slow process. You don’t invite everyone to dinner and publicly declare that you are gay. The norm here is that you gradually let on that you are gay. If someone asks you point blank, simply say yes. As for family members, you can tell if they are okay with it if they are supportive of your endeavors or interests that are deemed effeminate. If they don’t nag you about girlfriends and marriage, they already know. Sometimes they just wait for you to say it to them out loud. But, if you sense that your family is defensive when it comes to other people’s perception of your sexuality, it’s a red flag. They may still be in denial. As for past friends and office mates, the thing will take care of itself. Gossip will travel fast and they may already have an inkling of what you are. How well they will take the confirmation is their problem, not yours.

You can never force someone to come out. Coming out is an act of self-acceptance. Just leave this guy be. He may have issues against homosexuals. Do not force yourself onto him. Do not try to be his fairy in a white shimmering gown. People are entitled to what they feel and believe. Gays get uncomfortable when society’s concept of masculinity is forced upon them. Heterosexuals and men in the closet also feel threatened whenever their faces are being forcibly rubbed into homosexuality. Live your life and let him live his.

Lastly, the T.V.F.E.B.G.S.G feel that you are trying too hard at being gay. Just be your straight-acting self. You don’t have to prance around to Madonna’s songs or burst a vocal chord while attempting to imitate Mariah Carey’s whistle timbre. Continue pursuing your interests. Do not be compelled to wear the homosexual stereotype. Take your time and slowly let your wings unfold. Remember, there is no fixed standard on how a homosexual should live.

There is a growing body of Philippine gay literature available. All you have to do is toddle over to the Philippine Literature section of National Bookstore. The thoughts and musings of other Filipino homosexuals might help you figure out your way of being gay.