JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I am going through something right now in my love life and it would be really interesting to hear or read what you think of it. I am engaged to a foreign guy whom I met online last year. I used to work abroad and anyone who works abroad can tell you that chatting is one of the more interesting pastimes you could have there. I have had many chat mates and even had online relationships with a few (all Pinoys), but I haven’t had any real boyfriends that I have met personally until I met this guy.

Within a few months of our chatting, he went to see me in the country of my workplace (he’s from another continent), something that no chat mate or online boyfriend of mine has done in the past. I was of course swept off my feet by this huge display of affection and therefore agreed to marry him. He’s much older than I am, but I figured I didn’t mind the age difference especially since I was getting tired of all the childish and immature men I have met in the past. He’s very smart, good-looking, and most importantly, financially stable. What more can I ask for? I gave up my job abroad to join him in his home country with plans of getting married there. Once there, some not-so-good qualities of him emerged and I found that I was lonely and wanting to go back home. But I still loved him and still wanted to marry him.

The marriage didn’t push through because there had been some glitches with my documents so I needed to go back home. (Until now, I keep on thinking, was this a sign?) Upon parting, we agreed that I would apply for another visa and get back there soon so we could fulfill our plans. Once I was home, I applied for the visa and it was approved, much faster than the first one. Now I’m just waiting for my travel documents. I thought everything was going well. Or so I thought.

Very recently, an old online flame came back. I don’t know why, but I entertained him. He was the longest online relationship I had (5 years) but we never had the chance to meet. I thought I at least owed him the truth about what’s going on in my life now so I told him everything about my foreign fiance’. Then came the unexpected (or maybe I half expected it), he asked me for another chance. He told me he loved me still, wanted me back, and made immediate plans of coming home here so we could finally meet. I don’t know why but I felt that the feeling was mutual. I also loved him still and I missed him terribly after a year of trying to ignore him. I don’t know how I could tell my foreign boyfriend about all this. I also love him. But upon analyzing myself, I came to the conclusion that I love the foreign guy in my mind, and the Pinoy in my heart. Is that even possible?

This Pinoy doesn’t want me to back out of my engagement to the foreigner because of him, but he wants me to do it on my own free will. In fact he said, he’s even willing to wait for me and if ever the marriage pushes through and it doesn’t work out, he’d still be there waiting. Is it even fair to have him wait? As I said, I didn’t feel so happy there in my fiance’s country, and even though in the beginning I have set my mind to spending a lifetime with him, after that short stay, I had a few hesitations. Do I really want that life? But at least we have met and been together. Unlike with Pinoy, it is again another question of whether or not, once we meet in person, we would feel the same love as we feel online. I’m running out of time! If I am going to back out of the engagement, I should do it before he even purchases the tickets for me. I haven’t slept a wink in a week because of this. Please help. Thank you.

My, someone has been very busy.

Wait, when your fiancé visited you in your country, you immediately said yes to his marriage proposal? You must have been very lonely to immediately jump on the proposal and give up your job just like that. I have never been a fan of spontaneous life changing decisions because, more often than not, they leave a bitter aftertaste in your mouth. Yes, yes, we could all say that we need to seize life and all that jazz but such spontaneity can only be viable if we have wealthy parents, ample trust funds, good family lawyers, or are about to die. After living our lives to the fullest for a few moments, bills, creditors, and living expenses will hound us for the rest of our lives. That’s just me. Feel free to disagree.

I think you are not ready to marry your fiancé. You are actually looking for a justification to escape and you have managed to latch on to this online lover that you’ve never even met in person, hoping that he would save you. Dare I say that this is your pattern for escaping undesirable situations? You look for something or someone to rescue you from whatever oppressive forces that you are exposed to. To illustrate, you were lonely despite the number of your online boyfriends. Your life was boring and monotonous. Then came your fiancé, who traversed the seas and skies just to free you from your life of isolation. KABLAM! You instantly said yes when he proposed. A new man, a different land, and a life totally different from the life you were leading awaited you. After the magic faded, you realized that you have placed yourself into another undesirable situation. Then came this past online lover who offers an alternative to what you have now. KABLAM! You are now seeing signs from the universe and sensing the intervention of Fate.

Do you follow me, Frazzled? The question here really is, how ready are you to commit to somebody? I must tell you that all of us have undesirable attributes, even you. Commitment is accepting the good and the bad of the person that you love. Commitment is fully knowing what you are getting into, consciously deciding what you are willing to give up, and being ready to face the consequences of your choice. Are you fully capable of doing this?

Presumably, your fiancé also has some complaints about you. But if he still wants you to come back, this may strongly indicate that he is committed to your relationship. But you should not decide on the basis of this. Do not feel obligated to marry him just because he already spent much on you. You must think deeply about this and examine your reasons for wanting marry him in the first place. Take out the resurrected online lover out of this equation in order arrive at a proper solution. This is about you, your dreams, your plans, and your life. Do not ever marry for the reason that this may be your only chance to get married. Never marry out of desperation.

The best thing that you can do now is ask for some time to think things through. If he cares for you, he will wait. If he pressures you to make up your mind quickly, that would be your cue to drop him. But never, never ever make this online lover a substitute or replacement for your fiancé. That would be sad and pathetic. Love and marriage is not a goal to be achieved but a way of life that needs to be nurtured and constantly worked on. Do you have the stamina to do this? Think about it.