Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column #47: Adultery
Dear Auntie Janey,
I need advice and I need it fast.
I got married early to my first serious boyfriend. I have a good looking husband, who sincerely wants to make me happy, I have equally good looking kids, ages 10, 6 and 2. I have supportive parents who take care of my children (I’m the youngest and the favorite- well because my siblings live abroad) while I am at work. I have a good paying job. My family’s close knit, God fearing. I am happy, contented with my every day routine , in short, I have a seemingly perfect life, so I thought until I met him.
He is six years my junior. We work in the same Company. At first, I never noticed him (he isn’t good looking) until that time someone close to him told me that he had a big crush on me because of my ‘elegance’. That perked up my interest because elegance would be the last of a description on how I view myself. We had a chance to meet in one of the Company gatherings and I found him to be so smart, funny, boyish and so assured of himself. I saw in him the things I failed to see in my husband. I fell for him and he longs for me and we both knew it. It’s just that it wasn’t right. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted him. I gave in to my desire and decided to commit that one mortal sin- infidelity- emotional at first and then physical that went on deeper and deeper. We were compatible in all aspects (to think I have a great sex life with my husband).
That was four years ago, we stopped for almost three years because we wanted to move one with our lives while we still can. He was seeing someone and I got busy with my kids trying to be a patient mom and a good wife. We tried to be civil as if nothing happened between us. We have common friends so we can’t avoid each other. No one knew of that affair.But we both knew that no matter how hard we tried to move on, the attraction was still there and it was so great. So when he split up with his girlfriend, we again gave in to that attraction and had that steamy affair last year.
I may have still that God Fearing conscience in my system that Guilt got the better of me, and I decided to put a stop. Now he is trying to engage in a relationship with someone younger than him, with such a pretty, fresh face, intelligent and with a personality similar to him . The young girl and I work in the same building so I would get to know details of their blossoming love life. I feel jealous but I know that it’s the inevitable. They would make a perfect couple.
Auntie Janey, I know that I am wrong. I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But as of this time, I still long for the company of my other man. How do I cope up fast to get over him, please tell me. I feel jealous with the young girl. I begin to feel sad, depressed and I am frolicking on my own pain and insecurity. I can’t tell anybody else about this. I begin to have bouts of hyperventilation syndrome. I tried to focus in bonding more with my children and husband, but the other man keeps on getting in my head.
Please tell me how to get over him fast Auntie Janey.
The Female Derek Ramsey
TURN DOWN THE VOLUME IF YOU’RE WATCHING AT WORK OR IF THERE ARE KIDS AROUND, UNLESS YOU WANT TO DO THE BIRDS AND BEES TALK.
Dear Female Derek Ramsey,
This is a very difficult problem. It’s very hard to deal with lust. How can you make yourself get over someone who gives you very very good orgasms? Orgasms have a logic of their own and it is useless to reason with them.
I will not be quick to say that what you have done is wrong for I would be imposing my own values on you. But I will definitely say that what you have done is illegal. You, madame, are an adulteress. And this man you had steamy sex with several times, is an adulterer. Here’s a tip for the straight guys out there: if a woman wants to get on with you, don’t ask if she’s married for you can only be charged with adultery if you had knowledge of the woman’s marital status before coitus. I can hear the women cry “Unfair!(Insert feminist rantings here)”. Don’t complain to me. March to Congress.
Confessing to your husband might not be a good idea. It can be cathartic but you’ll be branded as a slut and he might kick you out of the house. Your life could go down the drain and I don’t think you’d want your children hating you. And people who know you might whisper “Is she blind? What did she see in that guy?” Wow, this is so like The Descendants and I think the reason why George Clooney’s wife cheated on him was because that other real estate guy gave her good orgasms. Another reference I could think of is Jhumpa Lahiri’s Interpreter of Maladies.
You could quit your job. If the guilt is truly eating you inside, putting a great distance between you and your object of lust could just be the thing. I think the reason why you cheated was because you were very bored with your routine and your life. This man gave you excitement and a sense of adventure which seduced you. He gave you something that you secretly longed for – thrills, drama, variety, and yes, steamy orgasms. You could try doing a very challenging and exciting job that would engage your whole being. A new working environment could satiate your need for adventure.
Another option would be doing some sort of penance. I am not saying that you should do something religious. This may sound a bit sick and twisted but you could punish yourself if that would assuage your guilt. I am not advocating self-flagellation or kneeling for hours in churches. Maybe a difficult personal mission. If we cannot find somebody to forgive us, we could forgive ourselves. Briony Tallis did some self-imposed penance in Atonement.
Confession could do you good. Maybe you could tell a very close friend, a trusted relative, or even a priest. Sometimes we just need somebody we could talk to. Talking about it can help you deal with the guilt and having someone to support you in your struggles might make dealing with your guilt a bit easier. I’m sure there are professional counselors out there who could help you with this.
I am very well aware that my mere words cannot stop that throbbing between your legs. You are under a very strong spell and it requires a very strong will to break it. Lust is a form of energy and you could channel it to other productive and wholesome pursuits. You need to preoccupy yourself with lots of work and activities. I find that immersing yourself into lots of things could kill your libido and at the same time give you fulfillment.
If all else fails, you have your hands or whatever suitable objects you can satisfy yourself with. A simple release would be enough to satiate you and enable you to get back to business.
If you cannot be contented with that, you are definitely in deep poop.
Truly Yours,
Auntie Janey
Got a pressing personal problem? Would you like to tell Auntie Janey? Email her at agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com. All letters and replies are published in their integral unedited versions.
Auntie Janey is not Jessica Zafra.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
March 2nd, 2012 at 15:42
Ang bait ng sagot ni Auntie Janey! Pero naloka ako kay letter-writing ghel. Ganito lang yan, ate: You can’t have it all! Meron ka na ngang good-looking husband and good-looking kids, pati good-looking parents to take care of your good-looking kids, naghahanap ka pa ng kerengkeng? You say that you’re the “youngest and the favorite,” and I think that’s where the problem lies. It’s the Kris Aquino syndrome. Na sa iyo na lahat di ka pa makuntento.
March 2nd, 2012 at 21:35
You gotta be the first female adulterer I’ve “met” online. I suggest that you go tell your husband about it and I hope and pray that he’ll leave you and go for a younger, better and definitely more deserving woman. And if you are not telling your husband about it, I’ll pray that he’ll soon find out and he’ll dump you and you’ll spend your entire life looking for a good f%@$ as satisfying as the one that you’ve been getting from your lover. Remember, once an adulterer, always an adulterer!
And really, if you still have some self-respect left, you should go away and leave. Yes, leave your kids to your soon-to-be ex-husband because a woman like you is definitely not a good example to them (you will never be!). And I hope you’ve already realized that.
March 2nd, 2012 at 22:13
You have issues that need to be resolved fast before your family falls apart. Seek professional help now.
March 3rd, 2012 at 11:30
Wow, Ely1300. Just curious, would you say the same things to a male adulterer if ever you would meet one online?
And yes, The Female Derek Ramsey, you have a beautiful family, and beauty is all you need in this world, not some unattractive young guy who notices your elegance. (Nasabihan ka lang na meron kang angking elegance, kinilig ka na agad!)
March 3rd, 2012 at 13:13
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman is labelled a slag for doing the things that causes a man to be admired as a stud.
March 3rd, 2012 at 16:50
Ely1300 must be The Female Derek Ramsey’s husband.
“I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But as of this time, I still long for the company of my other man.”
Well, good luck with that. Stay away from men calling you “elegant.”
March 3rd, 2012 at 18:37
What if in spite of Female Derek’s life’s apparent perfection – something is still missing. Girl, maybe you need to do more introspection.
I would suggest having a trusted friend as a confidant. Anytime you feel like you want to do stuff with the guy, call this friend up so he/she can talk you out of it. Sometimes, we just need a person we really trust to tell us that what we are about to do is just plain wrong. Go for a gay guy! They’re typically less judgemental / more empathic (I’m assuming commenters 1 and 2 are straight or the exception to the rule).
March 3rd, 2012 at 20:45
Of course you can have it all. If you are careful and lack a conscience (or whatever you call that voice in your head that tells you that you shouldn’t be doing what you’re doing). Besides, wanting more than what you have is completely human. The issue begins when you start pursuing those wants.
All I can say to Ely1300 is: U MAD?
March 3rd, 2012 at 23:06
@howcomebubblegum, probably not.
@Poli, I wish I am!
@Ejia, Yes, I am!
March 4th, 2012 at 00:37
@kratienza: talagang Kris Aquino syndrome haha
I’m sorry Female Derek Ramsey but you do not deserve your family. You should have resigned to avoid the other guy. Syempre nagpatuhog ka pa ulit. Its one thing to let it happen once, stop and not tell your loving husband about it but its a completely different matter to actually indulge in that forbidden relationship again.
If you really want to spend the rest of your life with your husband, he deserves to know the truth and you owe it to him to let him make that decision himself. Does he still want to be with you? Will he ever learn to trust you again? Is he willing to make your relationship work? I don’t get this sort of entitlement that adulterers feel. After what you did, you don’t get to decide that you’d spend forever with your spouse. Even if you tell someone you trust, as long as there is no real danger of your husband finding out (and losing him), you’ll still fall into this vicious cycle. Once your husband knows about it, you’d be more careful about coming home late, working overtime, going on company trips, etc. because you know that there will always be doubt at the back of his mind and you’ll do anything to assure him that it won’t happen again.
March 4th, 2012 at 01:40
Thanks for clearing that up, Ely1300.
March 4th, 2012 at 03:45
@the female derek ramsey
i read your post several times. on a weekday, during work hours. i think your account is the most similar to what i’ve experienced before. only i was the 3rd party. i was seeing/sleeping with someone who was married.
i wish it were all just lust, but these things aren’t that simple. it’s been more than 3 years since we ended the affair, and i’m back in the dating scene (mostly just casual – god forbid i get into something serious) – but i think most times i realize i couldn’t get that affair out of my system.
i keep thinking that what made it so special so that i couldn’t get over it (the sex, the dates, the sneaking out at night, the mini vacations) isn’t necessarily the attraction or our compatibility but that it was just a case of wanting-most-what-i-cannot-have. it is pretty ironic the only person i ever wanted to marry is already married. i’ve got this thing for irony.
although aunt janey’s advise makes sense, i’d like to add this, because i’d actually gone thru this stuff and it might be helpful. it is very sad when you get to that point in life where you realize you will not stay/spend the rest of your life with someone you have a very deep / great attraction/love for. you do this with someone you can build a good life with or work towards becoming your best self with. however corny that may sound. i think that is what works. of course that person may/may not be your husband.
i think it’s absurd how people think just because you married someone 10 years ago and have kids together you have to spend the rest of your life with that person. because what if you’ve changed or your wants have changed or what if you made a mistake. what, you can’t make mistakes about getting married? c’mon people. grow up.
March 4th, 2012 at 22:07
The Female Derek Ramsey, you deserve to be stoned. I wish these were the olden times. I would gladly cast the first stone.
For somebody who claims to be living the perfect life, your letter is racked with insecurities. You need other people’s validation that you truly live the perfect life. I don’t wanna be the one to burst your bubble but you don’t. You said that you love your husband but the only person that you truly love is yourself. Now I know why you chose a not-so-good-looking man to be your lover, to introduce imperfection to your life. You are surrounded with beautiful people, all of a sudden the plain looking man is irresistible.
Perfect husband, perfect children, perfect adulterer. You are perfect.
March 5th, 2012 at 16:40
Female Derek already knows what she did / is doing is wrong – plus all this finger pointing might even promote secondary deviance.
Konting empathy naman diyan. Magsuggest nalang kayo ng paraan para maka-cope siya.
March 5th, 2012 at 18:22
Oooh. So murder is more acceptable than adultery. Good to know!
March 5th, 2012 at 20:23
Mrs Ramsey
When my mother and my father broke up because both of them cheated on each other, it was one of the most painful things that had happened in my life. That was when I was three years old. I am 18 now but I can still feel the scars it had left me. 15 or so years does not heal the wound of a child seeing his loved family fall apart.
I am more concerned for your children. Please stop. I don’t want your children to feel what I feel every time I see families break up.
March 7th, 2012 at 18:29
Yo, Female Derek Ramsey. Tell everyone what you did, leave your husband, the kids to this husband, and go to some isolated island and have a crocodile eat you. Or don’t tell anyone, let your harrowing guilt haunt you, and never do that again. Who knows, you may even be able to forgive yourself someday. But for now, you have to suffer for this horrible thing that you did. And please know that being an adult is knowing what is wrong and abstaining from it. And before you go on telling yourself that you love your husband, please take time to reevaluate because I think the whole point of loving someone is not letting anyone get in the middle of it, whatever happens. And yes, what a f-cking b-tch you’ve been, but I guess you’ve already figured that out.
March 8th, 2012 at 11:00
Sorry if I came off as less than empathic. I meant my comment in the tone of what I’d say to one of my friends in a similar situation (which has happened), said with a laugh and a “tutuktukan na kita girl!” I should know tone doesn’t really come across well on the Web.
I think she needs someone who’ll listen, but won’t sugarcoat the fact that what she’s doing isn’t exactly kosher. To armchair-psych the writer based on the contents of the letter – and this is all inference and can be wildly off tangent, so take with a grain of salt – I’d say she *has* been much-too coddled already. See:
a) She harps on the attractiveness of her husband and children. While good looks are a point of pride with almost anyone, the way she words it suggests that external appearances are important because they reflect back favorably on *her.*
b) The “youngest and the favorite” line, however softened by the “siblings all abroad,” and the fact that her parents are all too willing to care for her kids while she works and has an affair, which is quite time-consuming in itself, suggests that she’s been favored for much of her life and has been able to get away with lots of things before.
c) Which brings me to my main inference: this is not a girl asking for advice because she knows she’s doing something wrong. No, the main reason she wants to forget her lover is because he found someone else to replace her. It’s jealousy that she was supplanted by another woman that drove her to write, not guilt or contrition that what she’s doing is wrong. Yes, she knows nominally that adultery is morally wrong but so long as she could get away with it, she was fine.
As I said, she wants it all: the appearance of a happy, good-looking family (to reflect back favorably on her and fulfill societal expectations) and the pursuit and adoration of a lover (to feed her ego). None of this “change” is done for the concern of others or her family’s well-being, it’s done just to suit her and her needs: now that the lover’s taken on a new girl, she needs help to get over him and soothe her wounded pride.
With all these points, as I said she needs a clear, cold reality check – and @greeneggsnham, some of the most cutting and gut-churning checks I’ve gotten were from my gay friends, and I love them so for that – to cut through to the underlying reasons why she began the affair in the first place. Address them and you address the need to take a lover and hope that the cycle won’t begin anew with the next guy who calls her elegant.
Female Derek Ramsay, if you’re reading this, I echo the commenters above who called for some introspection and maybe some time with a counselor – not a “concerned friend” to pat your back and agree with you – to help you work through your issues. I don’t believe your family and marriage should be destroyed because you made a mistake, but you do need to realize you’re not acting in a vacuum and your actions will have a ripple effect to those around you.
O ayan, sineryoso ko talaga.