Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column # 55: Scarred for life? Really?
Auntie Janey,
Although he was not the first guy who slept on my bed, he’s the only guy whom I exclusively dated. It was the bitterest August when he added me on BBM. It was fun at first with silly conversations and getting to know stuff and calling each other ‘bro’. Nothing much extraordinary until we did the deed.
It was fun sharing the same interest with someone new. After my relationship with my former girlfriend two years ago, there he came. We had no terms and we discussed nothing about what we were having. I got attracted to him.
From unzipping to pulling of sheets to wiping of mouth and to zipping again, we shared it all. I started to notice however that he’s just the same bisexual guys whom I know. He’s a real flirt. I suspected that what we were having was not exclusive at all. I did not confirm it but drowned myself in pool of tears and agony. I silently hated him but I maintained my composure and way of dealing with him.
Things eventually changed and there became a gap between us. I had no means to change it since I have taken off my access in all networking sites where I used to connect with him. I even decided to use a new phone so as not to have BBM and be reminded of not so happy memories.
What bothers me until now is…now I don’t know what really bothers me. Perhaps he’s the real one who got away. Nope! What bothers me is I miss him so bad. I am still hopeful that we’d be able to bridge the gap between us. I am not even sure if it could still happen.
Do you think he was even interested with me, Aunt Janey? What were his ‘I miss you’ lines then for? He’s gay right? (coz he denies it!!!)
I don’t know where I failed to satisfy his urge of seeing me again. Maybe it’s the drama that I started… I am not sure and it’s too obscure now. Perhaps it’s his relentless effort of dating girls too that made him stop seeing me. I hope I could catch up on things that I lost when I tried to compose myself and reach out to him. If all things continue like how it failed, I hope it will be a better life for me. His stay was short and he scarred me forever,
Sincerely,
Johan
Dear Johan,
Scarred you forever, huh. My idea of things that leave you scarred for life, aside from violent accidents and vicious physical attacks, are those which involve psychologically traumatizing events like rape, torture, child abuse, cataclysmic catastrophes, horrible deaths of loved ones, or wicked betrayals by lovers and friends. Yours, if I may say, is not devastating.
Reading your letter was like watching The Lucky One. I eagerly waited for the passionate and cathartic sex scenes and all I got were people groaning under a shower head and people groping each other in semi-darkness. Nothing was going on. But I did enjoy looking at the trees and the dogs.
I think you have too much time in your hands that’s why you wrote this letter which does not really say much. You are not even sure what happened and you seem to have even forgotten what transpired. Why are you dwelling on things you can barely remember? And oh, he was interested in boinking you then he got tired and moved on to boinking others. Get over it.
I sense that you have aspirations of writing creatively but your approach was wrong. You went for effect and totally ignored the plot or character development. This made your writing frivolous.
Let me apply this to your life.
I think you are constantly straining for effect that you miss out what is essential and substantial. You lean on the frivolous side. If you were truly seeking advice, you would have thoroughly remembered whatever “scarring” turmoil you went through and narrated the details as best as you could. Those who truly want to understand get obsessed over the components of the things that baffle them.
One more thing, you’re wondering whether your ex-lover was straight or bisexual? Well, at least now you have something to occupy yourself with.
Truly Yours,
Auntie Janey
You can reach Auntie Janey at agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com. If you feel your problem is insurmountable and you need to talk to someone right now, call the In Touch helpline for free counselling, (02)8937603.
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May 11th, 2012 at 10:01
Not being bisexual myself, I can only hypothesize, but if a bisexual person “had” to make a “choice”, the heterosexual button will always win, hands down, for the simple reason that in general, society rewards it, supports it, celebrates it.
No such option exists for gay people. Unless you consider celibacy an option. I certainly don’t.
May 11th, 2012 at 11:26
My Two Cents
1. The guy was just looking for hook-ups. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t try to date girls while unzipping and pulling with you.
2. Guys who do hook-ups hate drama and their fubu’s (sorry, that makes you one) getting attached to them. “Good morning”‘s and “kumain na po ba kayo ng lunch?” are like raising a tsinelas to a cockroach – both will make your target run and hide
3. But..but..but..what about the silly texts and calling each other bro? Sorry, these do not constitute a lead-up to a relationship. He would have wined and dined you (and found time and ways to be with you if you were not into wining and dining) if he was really interested.
4. Though there are exceptions to the rule, sites and apps like Grindr / PR are not places to look for the one. Stop singing “We found love in a hopeless place”.
4.
May 11th, 2012 at 12:03
Boom! Good one Auntie Janey. I thought I just confused with what I read.
May 11th, 2012 at 15:57
Sorry hindi ko natapos yung reply ko kanina kasi biglang nagmaterialize yung boss ko sa likod ko *panic enter, alt+tab*
To be fair to you – he could have been into you at first, but he may have lost interest for the following reasons:
1. He found someone else
2. He found you too clingy
3. He just lost interest..just because
This doesn’t mean you should give up. If you feel like you’re really the type who would want to rush into a relationship, go look for someone who would appreciate all the attention and love. It’s all about reaching out to the right target market.
Let this be a lesson. Chin up, dry those tears, stop pining for someone who doesn’t want to be with you and just keep looking.
May 11th, 2012 at 17:28
i love aunt janey’s bluntness. :)
May 12th, 2012 at 11:38
Auntie is correct. This doesn’t constitute a scar-inducing trauma. It’s more like a little pebble thrown at your face.
I think we’ve all been there – that ONS or FuBu we think is “the one.” Then it fizzles out for one reason or the other, and we mope for a few days. But most realize it for what it was (an illusion) and move on in a short amount of time.
If months later you’re still moping for the guy you view was rather promiscuous in the first place, thinking you were scarred, then we’ve got problems, dear.
And seriously, you were calling each other “bro.” If it never went beyond that, and if all that happened were romps under the sheets with no “wining and dining” (as greeneggsnham put it), I’m not sure how this would’ve led you to believe he considered you as something more.
May 13th, 2012 at 02:27
I don’t know. I think Johan may have been in earnest.
May 13th, 2012 at 13:47
I don’t doubt he was likely in earnest. The problem is, I think his “bro” was probably not, and he hasn’t moved on from it.
May 13th, 2012 at 21:03
Yan tulog napagalitan ni Auntie Janey =/
May 13th, 2012 at 21:48
auntie janey proves to be the b*tch aunt we all love.