JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

This appeared in the 26th anniversary issue of the Philippine Star.

1. A huge international bestseller. First I need to write a book that will sell so many copies, I can devote all my time to writing books. I read somewhere that the author of Fifty Shades of Grey earns over a million dollars every week in royalties. A million dollars a week: there’s business model.

All I knew of Fifty Shades is that it started out as Twilight
fanfiction and it has plenty of graphic sex scenes—you can listen to overheated excerpts read by comedians on youtube. Obviously I have to figure out the secret to writing a hysterical bestseller so I put on big dark glasses and a raincoat and went to the bookstore for a copy. This is the perfect disguise for buying a copy of Fifty Shades: the classic pervert.

Quickly I skimmed through the book and was shocked to discover that there are no immortal bloodsuckers in it. However there are riding crops and handcuffs, plus plastic cable ties, masking tape, rope and other materials obtained from hardware stores which will not be used for household repairs.

So that’s what readers want: love stories with naughty bits, technical term Erotic Romance. Mills and Boon with S&M. Liberally sprinkled with literary gems like:

Stop! Stop now! my subconscious is metaphorically screaming at me…

(Note: You forgot to include the metaphor.)

“I didn’t know what you liked, so I ordered a selection from the breakfast menu.” He gives me a crooked, apologetic smile.

“That’s very profligate of you,” I murmur…

(Ooh, vocabulary.)

“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine. “You expand, too.”

(This should cause a stampede to the bookstore.)

“Don’t you have a gag reflex?” he asks, astonished.

(Beef up security at the bookstore.)

We can write this. Bring me a case of vodka and a gallon of chocolate fondue!

2. My second novel. When I was 8 I decided that I was a writer. Not “going to be a writer”, but already “a writer”. I had run out of things to read, and since the Readers’ Digest Condensed Books on my parents’ shelf did not appeal to me I wrote my own reading matter: a four-line poem with an A-B-A-B rhyme. Gadzooks, I told myself, trying out a word I’d heard in Wacky Races cartoons, this is easy. For the next 12 years no alternative careers occurred to me, so here I am.

After decades of threatening to write a novel, I finally finished one a few years ago. It was—is—terrible. Of course I am no stranger to terrible writing, but this one I can’t even stand to look at. I could rewrite it, but I loathe rewriting and would rather start something else. Not everything you write has to be published. But the firstnovel monkey (King Kong-sized) is off my back and I am free to crank out the second one. As soon as I write that hysterical bestseller.

3. A detective novel set in Manila. My Jedi master taught me that when you’re visiting a city for the first time, the best way to form a mental map of the terrain is to read a detective novel set in that city.

Every major city has a great fictional detective prowling its alleys: Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes in London, Raymond Chandler’s Philip Marlowe in Los Angeles, Simenon’s Inspector Maigret in Paris, Andrea Camilleri’s Inspector Montalbano in Sicily, John Burdett’s Sonchai Jitpleecheep in Bangkok, Colin Cotterill’s Dr. Siri Paiboun in Vientiane, and so on.

Manila has no shortage of mysteries, but we don’t have a famous fictional detective who is synonymous with this city. Where is she? Coming up.

4. Don’t Call the Rock Stars Rock Stars, It Pisses Them Off. In school I wanted to write those 15,000-word Rolling Stone magazine profiles of popular musicians, so in the 90s I hung out with a lot of musicians. It was a great time to cover Pinoy rock—the underground had risen to the surface under the umbrella of “Alternative”. It was also not what I had expected. Luckily I never throw away my notes. Ayyy, sounds like a threat (or another business model!).

5. 1,000 Books You Need To Read So You Don’t Die. I do not like those books that advise readers on things they have to read/watch/listen to/eat/see before they die. The titles alone are threatening and fascistic. And what do you get after all that effort? Oblivion.

How dare you impose a deadline on us, we have no intention of dying. Ergo I intend to compile a list of 1,000 essential books that promises the opposite: Read them and get more life. Lots more life.

6. Science-fiction novel set in a near future where the Philippines rules the world. In 2012 our former colonial master Spain is in the grip of a recession, but our economy is thriving. So we buy Spain. Instantly we become the world football champions. More importantly, we all get European Union passports so we never have to apply for Schengen and other visas again.

We all move to Europe, where the climate is more temperate and we can wear those Fall/Winter outfits that look ridiculous in the tropics (Not that it stops the fashionable people). Filipinos take over Europe, then the rest of the world.

7. 1,000 Movies You Need To See Before You Start Raving About the Current Cinema. A helpful guide for moviegoers and reviewers to keep them from overpraising new movies that are only rehashing tricks that have been around since the invention of moving pictures. I’m looking at you, The Artist.

8. The Collected Works of James Salter. Too bad James Salter has already written them.

9. An all-purpose, all-encompassing self-help book for every metaphysical issue you could possibly have. The other day I saw an old friend, a clinical psychologist who’s written a book about depression. “I do feel glum at times,” I told her, “but I’m not sure it qualifies as depression. I suspect I’m more manic than depressive.” I also prefer the term manic-depressive to bipolar, it’s more evocative.

“How interesting,” she said.

“And I’ve never felt suicidal in my entire life,” I went on. “Homicidal, yes.”

My friend smiled but I could tell she was searching her handbag for a stun gun. Later it occurred to me that I’ve seen every single Woody Allen movie (except for Stardust Memories, Celebrity, Anything Else, and the new one) and every episode of The Sopranos, which qualifies me to fake being a psychotherapist. Arguably I can only deal with the neuroses of privileged New York Jews and mobsters from New Jersey, but how different are people’s issues really?

I’d be no faker than those quacks churning out self-help books that fool people into thinking there’s something wrong with them. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you: You’re human! It comes with the territory!

10. How to convince people that you know anything. All you need is an air of conviction, interesting eyewear and a broad vocabulary, trust me. (Note: Use that as the author bio for my next book.)

11-13. A Young Adult novel in which a vampire falls in love with a zombie. Like the Twilight books, but with correct grammar and syntax. Why should vampires and werewolves have all the fun? What have the readers got against zombies? Sure, you’ll devour books in which zombies chase people and eat their faces, but you never see them as romantic objects.

Why? Is it because their skin and hair are falling off and the only thing they can say is “Aaaargh”? But right there are the ingredients of a tragic romance.

Young lovers standing together against a world that doesn’t understand their feelings—check. Young lovers hunted by parties sworn to destroy them—check. A sense of doom—Will their love survive when he no longer has a face?—check. We’ll make it a trilogy.

14-16. A Young Adult dystopian novel. Along the lines of The Hunger Games. A nuclear holocaust destroys nearly all life on the planet. The survivors live in a domed city under a brutal authoritarian regime. The citizens have everything they want, but on their 21st birthday they are terminated. Those who refuse to die must escape from the domed city and make their way across the post-apocalyptic wasteland to a place called Sanctuary, which might not even exist.

Yeah, it’s the plot of Logan’s Run, but the kids who flocked to the Hunger Games movie don’t know that.

17. A superhero graphic novel. X-Men series!

18. The uncensored tell-all biography of Roger Federer. How did he learn to control his temper? What is going on in his mind during a match? Why does he cry? Did he date other tennis players before Mirka? What does he really think of Nadal and Djokovic? Are there any players he hates? What does he talk about with Anna Wintour? What really goes on in the locker room? Is Pete Sampras as stingy as Andre Agassi said he was? Who’s on drugs? What about the rumor that he’s a robot?

19. The History of the World According to Cats. Cats have been living with humans since the dawn of civilization. We know they’ve seen everything from the building of the Pyramids to the siege of Stalingrad to the present age, but have they played a larger role in human affairs than previously thought? Do they in fact control humans using a very clever parasite called Toxoplasma gondii which resides in their poop?

We will begin our research as soon as our cats green-light this project.

20. Science-fiction novel about an alien race that colonizes Earth. Then I would make this novel the basis for a super-secretive religion. Then I would recruit movie stars for my religious cult and appoint the biggest stars as my ambassadors/prophets. And everything will be peachy until my ambassador-prophets get involved in messy divorces or get sued for sexual harassment by strapping masseurs.

21. Etiquette for the 21st Century. Just the basic stuff like, “If you’re checking your Facebook while you’re talking to me, I’m going to stuff that phone up your nostril.”

22. Lonely Planet: Gliese 581 g. It’s a small, earth-like planet revolving around a red dwarf star. Scientists think it might be habitable. With our own planet filling up and resources dwindling, we have to think about finding new real estate out there. If you’d like to invest in my interstellar exploration company and its terraforming and real estate development subsidiaries, you can contact me at JessicaRulestheUniverse.com. For starters, I’m writing a travel guide.

23. Around the World on Trains. Because I want to go around the world. On trains.

24. The biography of Marat Safin. Of course Marat’s life is fascinating and unlike Roger Federer he would have no qualms about saying exactly what he thinks about the other players and the ruling body of tennis, but this biography would just be a ploy for me to get near him. Marat, darling, I know you’re going to rule Russia some day. Don’t stop there. Join me and we can rule the universe! You only have to agree to walk six paces behind me at all times because much as I love you, I’m still the boss.

25. The Great Gatsby. Yes, it’s been written, but when the movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio comes out a lot of people will learn for the first time that it was based on a book. I can claim that I wrote the book. Serves them right for not knowing who Scott Fitzgerald is.

26. My memoirs. In 50 years.