Ask the Oracle (Now with your questions!)
Alas apart from the Shirtless Underage Boy who looks like Rafa Nadal (I kept expecting him to tug his shorts out of his crack) I am immune to the enchantments of the Twilight series. Which must be considerable, given the long lines at the cinema this afternoon.
Spot your classmates who cut class to see New Moon on the first day.
I think it is the tone of dead seriousness that kills it for me: the earnestness that cannot be shaken, not even by the heroine’s bizarre love life. She ensnares a vampire and a werewolf. Is it pheromones? Does she smell like steak tartare? I kept hoping she would trip on a stump so Jailbait With Abs would rip off his shirt to bind her sprained ankle. Luckily after his non-secret is revealed the filmmakers do away with the shirt altogether.
This afternoon I was talking to Nanay Socorro Ramos of National Bookstore about their Christmas book donation drive and the subject of Twilight came up. (If you will recall, the heavy importation of Stephenie Meyer books gave the Finance Department the idea of imposing a book tax.) Nanay disappeared for two minutes and returned with a hardcover box set of the Meyer books. “Could you read this and figure out why it’s so popular?” she said.
Until I lugged them home I had no idea how heavy they were. I don’t know when I’ll get around to making my book report to Nanay but I’ve thought up an alternative use for the books.
This is a hugely popular series: fans have tattooed entire pages of it onto their bodies. This worldwide obsession has invested the Twilight books with a power far beyond that of its stilted prose. People swear by these books. Therefore we can use them as an Oracle.
Basically I will ask a question, pick a volume at random, turn to any page, and read the first line of text that jumps in my eyes. Theoretically this line will hold the answer to my question.
For instance: Who will win the 2010 presidential election?
I emptied my mind, picked up Twilight, and let the pages open where they may. The first lines I saw were:
“Are you sure you won’t vanish in the morning?” I wanted this to be certain. “You are mythical, after all.”
The Oracle has spoken! I have no idea what it means, but I will channel my inner seer for an interpretation. Channeling. . .channeling. . .
Translation: The election returns may vanish in the morning, being mythical.
Send me your questions, and we’ll consult the Oracle.
* * * * *
And now for your questions. Today we are using New Moon for divination.
inin asks: What should I be doing instead?
The Oracle: He looked at me blankly. His head swiveled around, and he spied the Mercedes across the street, the porch light reflecting off the glossy black paint.
Translation: Open a Mercedes dealership.
inin’s second question: What is the unified theory for life, the universe and everything?
The Oracle: The light vanished for a second, and then Edward was a faint, white radiance beside me. He put his arm around me, holding me close to his side, and began to tow me swiftly forward.
Translation: The sun will go supernova and be replaced by a vampire.
leeflailmarch asks: Will Twilight’s fans lose interest in the whole fad after they see the movie New Moon?
The Oracle: Staring into his eyes always made me feel extraordinary—sort of like my bones were turning spongy.
Translation: Bovine spongiform encephalitis.
theOrbiter asks: Am I going to attend the Christmas Party?
The Oracle: Jacob must have changed his mind, just like I’d feared.
Translation: If you’re thinking of going, you won’t, but if you’re thinking of not going you will.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
November 21st, 2009 at 02:22
wow it’s like bible-dipping (so i guess it’ll be called twilight-dipping?)
q1: (syempre i should come first) what should i be doing instead?
q2: paraphrasing douglas adams, what is the unified theory for life, the universe and everything?
November 21st, 2009 at 02:45
You thought up a very clever usage of the famed Twilight novels.
My questions are: Will Twilight’s fans lose interest in the whole fad after they see the movie New Moon? How long will the Edward-Cullen-Bella-Swan frenzy have to continue?
November 21st, 2009 at 03:04
am I going to attend the Christmas Party?
November 21st, 2009 at 08:10
I can’t see why this has to be a worldwide phenomenon. The first book worked for me; it made me giggle in public, especially during my jeepney rides for work. But the first book was enough. I cannot read past the first page of the second book. Stephenie Meyer uses the word “chagrin” a lot, like she just learned it and it’s one of the best words EVER!
A critic said that Twilight is soft porn for Mormons. It makes complete sense.
For me, it’s a good read if you’re too depressed to read anything heavy and not mind seeing the word “chagrin” on almost every page. But if you’re depressed on a level that you might shoot yourself in the head if you see the word “chagrin” one more time, you might want to avoid the series. (I’m guessing the rest of the books has lots of the overuse of the word “chagrin” as well. I read through the first book OK because I was that depressed, much to my chagrin.
Hope this helps.
November 21st, 2009 at 08:31
Why would you even choose to read these instead of the Harry Potter books, which are as long but more fun, and has 90% less mention of the words ‘Edward,’ ‘sparkle’ and ‘chagrin?’
November 21st, 2009 at 09:31
What will happen to your World Domination Agenda under the new presidency?
November 21st, 2009 at 11:36
Interesting! You should turn this into a contest. The person who posts the most interesting question wins (insert title of an exceedingly more interesting book series), while everyone else each gets the complete set of the Twilight saga, by-force-cannot-be-escaped-the-books-will-suddenly-turn-up-on-their-front-steps. All participants must NOT be fans of the series so we’d all strive to post the most interesting questions to avoid the dreaded loser prize!
If you do turn it into a contest I must post a new question though, as I’m afraid that previous one was lame.
November 21st, 2009 at 11:38
Questions:
– Who will be the next president of the Philippines?
– Where will Kris Aquino be 10 years from now?
– Will there be a 2013?
November 21st, 2009 at 12:47
i agree that meyer should have stopped at book 1. she ran out of words in the next 3 books. aside from the ‘chagrin’, the word ‘hissed’ was overused…
oh one lesson though: thou shalt not name thy offspring “renesmee”
November 21st, 2009 at 13:05
Questions:
– If Erap would lose in this election (we hope so), will he still run for the 2016 (?) elections, based on the fact that his office “was taken from him?”
– Would Bayani Fernando run against him?
– Who will win?
What Rye was talking about: here you go, the fun “Twilight Series as Mormon Porn” Review! Unlike the books, this is so fun to read. Spoilers ahead! http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html
November 21st, 2009 at 16:19
[i was asked what’s so great about the series too, here was my answer: they’re good but grossly overpriced door stoppers.]
will the 2010 presidential elections change anything?
November 21st, 2009 at 21:37
Twilight is fail. (There, I said it.) I’m still wondering how these books were even published. Does Meyer even have an editor!?
Found this on LJ. Twilight broken down into categories/statistics: http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html
November 21st, 2009 at 23:10
Stephenie Meyer needs Gordon Lish.
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:33
Reading the anti-Twilight reviews is indeed more fun. Here’s one that I always ask the Twilight-loving people to counter (methinks they just got carried away by all the hype):
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/12639073
November 22nd, 2009 at 17:17
Totoo ba ang chismis tungkol kay Manny at Krista?
November 23rd, 2009 at 00:01
papayag ba si mayweather sa 50.1% split in favor of pacquiao?
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:04
It’s a Mills and Boons romance pocket book only longer and without the necessary sex scenes! I now realized why I got sucked into the series (this was before all the hype), my literary taste was tainted as a child with reading fairy tales (the abridged versions) and English romance pocketbooks (which were plentiful as I have 2 grown up sisters).
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:10
For my question: Will Erap finally die and stop misleading the poor that he’s not part of the rich society he soooo despises?
November 23rd, 2009 at 13:28
brilliant idea. i can now find some use of my soon-be-rotten twilight saga books!
Q: what is your stand regarding the ‘reproductive health bill’?
November 23rd, 2009 at 14:00
I love Twilight and I’m not going to apologize about it. What’s all this bashing about what other people love? Buti nga may nagbabasa pa ng mga libro…
That said, ang tanong ko: Sino ang mapapalayas sa Pinoy Big Brother next week?
November 23rd, 2009 at 19:48
@eun_hye1– You’re right we shouldn’t apologize for it! It’s a delicious guilty pleasure. I’ve got friends who give me grief about it but they can’t even read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy without passing out!
I may read fluffy stuff sometimes but I also appreciate good books and THAT gives me protection from being labeled as “nothing but Twihard copycat!”
November 24th, 2009 at 02:13
I did spot one of my friends in the picture you took! He’s the guy with a grey shirt and khaki shorts.
November 24th, 2009 at 21:54
i will now completely depend my life’s choices to the Oracle. just like how i make decisions based on the magic 8 ball
November 25th, 2009 at 14:44
Q: If the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight pushes through, who will win?
July 30th, 2010 at 00:26
I’m so jealous. You call Socorro Ramos – Nanay Socorro Ramos.