LitWit Challenge 3.3: Your dramatic emergency exit strategy
The winner of LitWit Challenge 3.2: Talking Animals is. . .Cacs for the death of a celebrity chef as witnessed by 800 eyes. Congratulations! There were several fine entries in this batch; in the end we picked the funniest.
Cacs, you can pick up your prize any time starting today at National Bookstore in Power Plant Mall, Rockwell, Makati. It’s at the Customer Service counter; just give them the email address you used to register on this site.
As always, thanks to National Bookstore for our prizes.
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This week’s LitWit Challenge is inspired by Steven Slater, the flight attendant who had a meltdown after a passenger opened the overhead bin on a taxiing plane, causing a bag to fall out and conk the FA on the head. The passenger not only refused to apologize, he told the FA to fuck off. An enraged Steven Slater cussed out the passengers on the PA system, grabbed two beers from the beverage cart, opened the emergency exit and slid down the chute to the tarmac. What self control. I would’ve opened the emergency exit and thrown the passenger off the plane, without the chute.
Here’s your writing assignment. You are having a very bad day at work (whatever your job is) or at school. You are under a lot of stress. Then someone does something he or she has been specifically told not to do, and instead of apologizing he/she tells you to fuck off. You freak out.
Write your monologue, in 700 words or less, summing up your frustration and rage at your job, your office, your employer and co-workers, ending with your spectacular exit. (If it’s too close to the truth, request to have your entry posted anonymously and we’ll assign you a number.)
The prize: 2666, the 898-page five-in-one novel by the late Chilean author Roberto Bolaño. It should keep you occupied while you’re looking for your next job.
At the very least you could drop it on the head of someone who makes your life miserable.
The deadline: 11.59 pm on 21 August 2010, anniversary of an important day in Philippine history that also had to do with airplanes.
Andiamo! Andale! The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.
Answers to questions you might be asking, unless you wandered onto this site purely by accident >>>
August 16th, 2010 at 08:56
Thanks, Jessica! :)
August 16th, 2010 at 15:47
The following events already took place a few years ago, so I can proudly say that this is a first hand account experience of mine. 2004. Names have been omitted for obvious reasons.
Mr. D(actually the president-company owner’s son):”Oh, you’re here. Why aren’t you at our media event?
Me:”L” (a fellow PR writer) told me he’ll be the one to cover the event as your dad chose him to do the story on our PR event. I need to write some PR articles for our print ads,besides.”
Silence from Mr. D. He sat and worked on his mac.
I thought he got the point.
I went back to my work (we share room-it’s not a big company).
A few minutes later….
Mr. D: “You know I really think you should be at that event because you’re a PR writer. That’s your job. In fact I suggest you follow them there now,anyway maybe they haven’t started yet.”
Me:”But Mr. W (my actual boss, a cousin of Mr. D) told me yesterday that they’ll handle the event. See, he gave me these stuff to write today.You heard us talking here in the same room last night,right?” (I actually volunteered to cover the event but Mr. W said they’ll go with Mr. D’s dad because this was actually a follow up for a previous PR event which he and “L” covered a few months back,before I was hired–there were also top government people whom they personally know).
Mr. D:(voice raised)”I don’t care what “W” told you yesterday, I want you to be there now. Call up “L” and tell them you’ll be coming over to join them.”
Me:”I don’t know where the D.O.H is.” (our office is in Las Pinas,on a Monday morning, traffic is of course horrible–and the event is scheduled for 9 am,and this was already quarter to nine–and there were no available cars–I could’t take my own car because it’s number coding).
Mr. D:”Ask them how to get there. Take the bus or a cab. You may call them and ask them for directions on your way there. Go now.”
Reluctantly I went, took a bus–all the while calling them and asking them for directons–calls and text messages got no reply–I see they turned off their phones for the Health Secretary’s speech. At about 10:30 am I got to the DOH. The guards told me they have left about 30 minutes earlier,on their way to Pasig. It was all a very short ceremony.
At the DOH I again called up Mr. W and “L”. Both weren’t answering their phones. Finally after about half an hour my friend “L” answered his. He was surprised about Mr. D’s tantrums. “Anyway, it was a very brief talk, we had coffee,took some photos and left. We’re about to proceed to Pasig for the Press event. Why did he even bother asking you to come to the DOH? Well if Mr. D insists, you may go straight to Pasig and meet us there at the ___________. It’s a luncheon event. And you took a bus?Seriously,what’s with Mr. D today?”
I called up Mr. D. He has to know what he put me through.
Me:”Do you realize the inconvenience I went through? I told you they’ve got the event covered. You knew there’s no way in hell I could have made it, in this traffic. You knew. Or didn’t you? Man,you need to get out of Alabang/Las Pinas to know how bad the traffic situation is anywhere in Metro Manila. You heard us talking about this event yesterday,how they coordinated the transportation and logistics–and specifically Mr. W’s instruction for me to stay in the office because the PR articles are due today. And I told you my car is coding so I can’t take it–so I took a bus because I couldn’t find a cab–do you know that I haven’t ridden public transportation ever since I got my own car?I think you should know that. I don’t want to say it,but you are so unreasonable.”
Mr. D: “Okay. Go to Pasig. You can still make it before lunch. Boy Abunda will be there. Do a story on his product endorsement, his profile,et cetera.”
I got to Pasig. Harassed and haggard, stinking of diesel fumes. I drank three cups of brewed coffee. Mr. W, my friend “L”, and the boss himself,whom we call “HMA” listened to me–I think they got my point.
Boy Abunda (like I care about this person) did come in all his gayness.
Of course I quit this job pronto.
August 17th, 2010 at 07:45
The boss was a two hundred fifty plus pound slob who dabbled in art, painting cheap souvenir-types artwork during his spare time. He loved watching Oprah when he worked at home whom he’d quote oftentimes during our team retreats.
He found his way into our office via volunteering with us, a not-for-profit. When his office “re-organized,” he lost his job and applied and was hired by our E.D.
He was a talker, allright. In fact, that’s what he did most of the time while I did my job at increasing profitability of my profit centre.
He would write nice reports talking about my nice work, and getting the credit.
I reminded him one time to spend more time in my Unit and he promised to do so, but continually postponed meetings he previously arranged with me.
He would work at home, emailing me and would talk at monthly meetings about work we never saw the fruits of. You see, he was supposed to bring more business being Business Development Manager.
I complained to my former boss, and to the present boss about his work ethic.
One time while we all pitched in for an annual event, he even asked me for personal favors.
In one of rare one-on-ones, I presented to him all my grievances. He countered by saying I had an attitude.
“What about you not supporting my Unit and my work, when I’m making this much money for this department? How about the cancelled meetings? What about the reports I submitted which you lost? Hey, you are even drawing part of your salary from my Unit’s earnings, when you’re supposed to bring in more money! Attitude? I even drove you thru that stinking rain so you could get your rental car. Phew!”
The whole office was buzzing about what the hell this guy was doing – doing nothing.
Just before I made my grand exit from this organization, someone reported this stinking blob/boss to our funder who was funding his salary – for his abscences from the office.
The funny thing was, even after I left the office, the E.D. called me at home, inquiring about a proposal I submitted to the City which had been approved. That last contribution I made meant a new project which benefitted our target clientele – unemployed individuals – and new jobs for a new project team.
Never felt so good in my life! With the money I got from this office, I travelled and sunk some in the bank.
August 17th, 2010 at 15:30
Check out “100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time.” It’s in YouTube and has clips from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, In Bruges, As Good As It Gets, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and others. For people like me who have trouble expressing feelings, it’s the best catharsis there will ever be.
August 17th, 2010 at 18:58
of morons and stupid bosses
She called for an emergency meeting, and man, was she frantic. The school director visited her turf and commented that we were raising kids who do not know what trash bins are for. She brought it down on us in the meeting, and I had to restrain myself from laughing out loud while she stood in front of us, fuming, her puffed cheeks glistening with sweat (she was wearing a blazer, for goodness’ sake. We live in a tropical country; go figure) or was that her oil glands working overtime?
Heaven forgive me, but I could not not gloat. I have long wanted this to happen, and when she finally came face to face with her own mortality (note that all along she was delusional, and one could count with the fingers in his hands how many co-employees held the belief that she was great) and realized that she hasn’t really made anything happen, I wanted to die — laughing.
She talked about us not doing what we were supposed to do – shepherd our kids and lead them to the holy path (these are high school kids – restrain them and they all the more grow rebellious) – about us slacking on the job and not teaching the kids properly, and as I sat there, listening to her drone on and on about candy wrappers and bottled water and “bottled cans” I wanted to spit her in the face – the nerve to order us to perform well (which we have always done, even before she became the principal) when she couldn’t even do her own tasks properly (her secretary and other people who work in her office would back this claim up). Pathetic.
What is even more infuriating is that we have morons for the school board. Big bosses who seem to like her just because she talks to them all the time, and attends meetings with them. It had been a year now, and they haven’t noticed how dumb she is, nor how much she tries to sound intelligent only to end up sounding stupid.
I have always wanted to quit this job, but I would always find something to make me stay. I’d tell myself I’d stay for one more year and wait till things get better. It had always worked for me, but today I reached the final straw. I have had enough.
So I did what the whole faculty have always thought I could, but would not do because I had always been better than she-who-everyone-but-me calls boss: rose from my seat, clapped my hands thrice a la Cherie Gil and with my chin up, let out the best speech I’ve ever delivered in all my six years as a high school teacher. “Magaling! Masyado kang magaling para sa akin. Hindi ko kayang abutin ang ideals mo. Wag kang sumagot. Hindi ko kailangang marinig ang sasabihin mo. Pero kailangan mong malaman na paglabas ko sa kwartong ito, pwede ka nang maghanap ng kapalit ko.”
With that I turned to the teachers, beamed at them said, “Sorry, naunahan ko kayo. Babay!” curtsied, and went out door.
August 18th, 2010 at 16:19
To be honest, I really was planning to call it quits with the company early on. I just got too lazy to go job hunting again, making excuses. There was just not enough motivation for me to go. Until my moment with our HR head.
I’ve had no personal troubles with her so I let her be. Our usual correspondence with her was on the project of repacking old hard drives from dilapidated PCs, mostly desktops, and issuing it to employees for additional file storage space (which had news circling that said hardware was not being issued: Hard drive Hoarder!)
Last April 15, last day for filing income tax returns, our whole floor was really in a lot of tension as so every end of the tax season. I was one of them having a bad day, with my A.M. reliever being half a day late and all the trouble shooting. It was a relief to see the day end.
As I was passing our IT director’s office, I heard him talking to Epaloid.
HR HEAD: “Si my name nga, patulog tulog lang kagabi e nagkakagulo na kami sa pagtapos ng working paper ni another employee. Tawag kami ng tawag sa Helpdesk kaya naman pala walang pumupunta tinutulugan ang trabaho.”
It would have been juicy gossip except that my name was mentioned. I was about to go home with my things already but I decided to drop by a word. In the end, more than a word was dropped. No I did not decide. I did not even think. Something was brewing inside me. I just barged in.
ME: Excuse me po maam (buti nga nag-excuse pa ko), medyo malakas po ata ang boses nyo eh narinig ko po ata yung pangalan ko. Kalian naman po nangyari na natulog ako sa trabaho? Tsaka po kailan kayo tumawag na hindi ako pumunta?
HR HEAD: “Last night! We we’re doing another employee’s working papers tapos naputol yung connection with the printer, tapos we were asking for assistance kaso wala namang tumutulong. I passed by your area yun pala patulog tulog ka lang.”
ME: “Pumunta po ako nun inayos ko pa nga po dun sa laptop ni another employee. Baka po kayo yung nakatulog hindi nyo na naaalala kagabi. Pumunta po ako dun wala naman kayo, andun kayo sa office nyo pamake-up make-up kayo nung dumaan ako.”
HR HEAD: “I don’t know! Basta we called for IT and no one was there so I left them to finish it and I went to my office. Baka you were playing zombies again kaya you didn’t hear the phone. Hay,I’ve always said the handbook states that games and other non-work related files are not to be stored in the office computers kasi it takes too much space. Don’t deny it, I saw you playing yesterday.”
ME: “Lunch time po nun maam. Pwede po nating gawin yun. Open nga po ang firewalls natin for facebook kapag lunch. Tsaka sa personal laptop ko po nakasave yung games ko maam. Baka gusto nyo pong i-check (taking out my laptop from the bag).”
Our IT Director started talking to cool things up before I get to something nasty. I wished things would have ended there. But the creature blabbed more and that made me lose it.
Epaloid: “Personal laptop….. if I know siguro yung parts ng laptop na yan kinuha mo pa sa mga laptop dito sa office……”
The b*tch was insinuating that I was stealing from the company when I was the one who almost has evidence that she’s stealing hardware. I took my laptop.
ME: “Ito po ba.” (Opened it, raised it and smashed it in front of her). “Hindi ko po kailangan ng pera galing sa kumpanyang ito para makabili ng laptop. At hindi ko rin po kailangan ng mga tira-tirahang parts para magkaron ng laptop. Baka po kayo kailangan nyo. Pulutin nyo po ang hard disk nyan malaki po memory nyan. Baka kulang pa yung collection nyo. You can expect my resignation tomorrow.”
The moment I turned my back, I started to mourn for my laptop.
August 20th, 2010 at 21:00
E di kung marunong ka gumawa ng kwento at sa tingin mo mahusay ka gumawa ng script e di ikaw na lang gumawa!
Anong klaseng opening ‘yung matabang bida pagwe-wakeboard-in mo para lang sa guy — e wala nga siyang self-esteem in the first place! yun nga yung core niya, she’s full of self-pity, tapos papasalihin sa wakeboarding competition? All those fats?! Tapos after magawan ng paraan e yun naman pala wala naman budget and yung mas integral sa kwento na beauty contest — kasi it’s her dream to be a beauty queen just like her mom even when she’s so fat — yung beauty contest that will redeem her e ayaw niyo?! Last week you said wala siyang motivation e ayan na nga puro motivation na siya, I think you’re just not motivated enough because you’re handling too many projects now and you don’t have time for this show kaya kunyari ayaw mo, pabago ka ng pabago para makausad lang kapag may free time ka na.
Hindi naman ‘to masterpiece, and it’s not even your concept so don’t pretend you know where the story is going, or what the story is about — mga names pa nga lang ng characters nalilito ka na.
Sana isipin mo naman lahat ng tao na hindi sumusweldo dahil napo-postpone ang project, just because you’re haggling! ‘Wag ka pa-importante, ‘di ka naman kagalingan, kasi if you were, sana may pelikula ka na! Kahit indie you can’t pull it off! Sa lahat ng projects lahat nalang pinapalagay mo – pati editing and mounting directions – sana ako na lang pinag-direct mo! Well, ‘eto ang script, gawin mo na lang guide and good luck sa’yo – sana makahanap ka ng mauuto mo. Because I’ve had enough – pareho lang tayong gumradweyt sa UP, so don’t fuckin’ use that leverage on me!
(Sabay hagis ng script gaya ng ginawa niya, at walk out — take note, sa Starbucks ang setting nito)