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Joya, our friend who breeds dogs and has a menagerie in her house including cats, turtles, iguanas, and birds is looking for canine-loving humans to take in this new batch of beasties.

We believe in adopting homeless strays, but we know some of you prefer critters with pedigrees, and we can vouch for Joya’s animals. Saffy was born in her garage, spawn of the demented felines, Spike and Snowball.

This Lhasa Apso puppy, male, was born on 11 May 2013. Only one of his balls has descended, so Tina suggests that he be called “Fuhrer”. He will be sold without his PCCI papers, but should his other ball descend, the buyer should present the puppy to Joya to get the pedigree. (Mat: I have one ball! The other one is in the vial behind the Eomer action figure.) Price: Php5,000.

These Domino Haus Lhasa Apso puppies were born on 21 June 2013 and will be ready for release by the end of August. Price: Php10,000 for the male; Php12,000 for the female.

For more information on the Lhasa Apsos, call or text 0921 401 6647.

These male Chihuahua pups will be released by the end of August. They’ve been vaccinated and registered with the PCCI. The breeder is asking for Php8,000 (negotiable) per pup. Call or text 0918 343 6756.

Happy Birthday, Matthias Eomer Octavian Federer-Urban!

Mat is our sweetest, most polite and considerate cat. He sometimes attempts to speak human, producing the words “nyork” and “nyatch”. Today he will answer your questions about your career, your future, your romantic relationships, and stuff you probably shouldn’t consult a cat about. Post them in Comments and wait for The Oracle to answer.

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Being a very nice boy, Mat will answer your questions all weekend.

Awww. Our friend sent us a really, really late Xmas present (or a very early one!): a bunch of Hello Kitty eyeglass frames. They’re adorable.

We’re not likely to wear them (though our sister squeed and took the pink ones), not just because that would be terrifying, but because there’s a prophecy somewhere in the Apocrypha: “And lo, the abomination shall appeareth in the spectacles of a feline of the East that hath no mouth, and there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth, and those that behold the beast shall plucketh out their eyes and sing Air Supply songs…”

Shoes! The handmade oxfords in abel fabric that we ordered from Shoes by Kai have arrived. “Handmade” means “You have to wait two weeks, but they will fit perfectly.” We were wondering if the shoes would survive rainy weather—they did.

Box! The cats always get excited over cardboard boxes. We used to bring them presents in boxes, but found that they couldn’t care less about the contents. So we’ve dispensed with the presents and just give them the boxes.

Saffy and Koosi took turns curling up inside the box. Clearly they imagine themselves to be little kittens.

Apart from the three feline housemates whom we feed, entertain, and clean up after, we have three ampon cats who live outside and show up on our doorstep at mealtimes.

L-R: Janko, Pippin and Merry

First there was Janko (front), a fierce, mostly white cat whom we named after Tipsarevic before we figured out that she was female. For about eight years Janko was a regular visitor—too feral to be petted, and given to swatting the food container if the human was a little slow with the service. However, she also left tokens of friendship and gratitude on our doormat—mice and cockroaches she had hunted. One time she killed a rat that was almost as big as she was and dragged it up the stairs to our door. We smiled, clapped, and praised her hunting prowess. When she left we asked the janitor to take the carcass away.

If a cat brings you offerings of dead animals, be sure to look pleased and say thank you. Otherwise they will think you want larger corpses.

About a year ago Janko brought us her kittens, a boy and a girl whom we named Pippin and Merry. We’ve noticed that male cats have a sweeter disposition than female cats. Pippin will twirl around our ankles, but Merry hisses when we get too near. Like her mother, she swats the food dish when the human is slow. We figure male cats are affectionate and sociable because their goal is to knock up as many of the female cats as possible. The female cats are ferocious and cranky because they have to raise the kittens.

L-R: Pippin, Legolas and Merry

Janko stopped visiting us some months ago. We miss her, but we know she had a full life and lived exactly the way she liked. Merry and Pippin show up two or three times a day. Some weeks ago they brought a friend—a white cat whom we have named Legolas. We’ve learned to watch out when we open the door because Legolas runs into the house. For some reason our housemates don’t seem to mind—they just look at him with expressions of “Oh, a cat.” A few nights ago he ran in and snuggled up against Saffy, who was so surprised she forgot to smack him. After we had picked him up and put him outside, Saffy still looked stunned.

Matthias Eomer Octavian, Mat

It occurred to us that our outdoor ampon might be descendants of our tomcat Mat, who lived outdoors for two and a half years and presumably had relations with many females. We said, “Mat, are these your children?”

“Let me see,” he replied, and looked out the door. “Naah, they’re too young. My youngest spawn would be 8 years old. I haven’t banged any chicks since 2005.”

“Banged chicks? Obviously you have not been out of the house since the early oughts.”

“Fo shizzle,” said our retired Casanova, settling on his cushion to watch The Americans. “But the ampon could be my great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren.”

The Philanthropist and the Happy Cat, in which the smug and self-satisfied get what they deserve.

Tobermory, or why it’s probably not a good idea to teach your cat to speak the common tongue.