JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

A study published in the Journal of Neuroinflammation says a daily cup of coffee may protect your brain. It may cut the risk of dementia by blocking the damage inflicted by cholesterol. Apparently coffee creates a “blood brain barrier” which shields the central nervous system from the harmful chemicals carried around in the bloodstream.

We’re talking about coffee, the good bitter black stuff, not the sugar or artificial sweeteners, whipped cream, syrups and junk that people ingest with it.

Last Friday there was a 32 percent increase in the number of subscriptions to this blog. By Saturday the numbers had returned to their normal level. I haven’t analyzed the stats in detail, but I think the surge may be attributed to one or all of these factors:

(a) Carlo’s dates in the last two weeks all logged on to see if they were in his dream.
(b) It was a really slow day.
(c) Lots of people searched for “lithium”.
(d) Lots of people searched for “vitamin C”.
(e) Lots of people searched for “Jaime Augusto and Fernando Zobel”.

Let’s test the hypotheses beginning with (e). Last year I asked Jaime Augusto Zobel to write the foreword to a book. We met at the Starbucks in Ayala Tower One (the mothership). Jaime ordered a latte at the counter. The barista in the Starbucks in the mothership looked at the overlord and said, “Can I have your name, sir?”

I began shrieking with laughter, only silently. Think of all the possible answers to that question.

(a) “Steve Martin.”
(b) “Elvis”. Which is actually the name I use when ordering at Starbucks.
(c) “I am George Clooney’s father.”
(d) “Get out of the mothership! Out!”
(e) “Jaime Augusto Zobel de Ayala II.” Try writing that on a small latte cup.

But Jaime only said, “Jaime”, so this story has no punchline.
Now let’s see those stats.

1904. Checked the stats, no spike. Nope, it’s not (e).

I’ve been drinking coffee since I was eight. Skip this part if you’ve heard it before. My habit began one afternoon when I wanted Ovaltine and we’d run out of it. So my father gave me a cup of coffee. I’ve been drinking four or five 8-oz cups a day since childhood—does that mean I’ve consumed enough antioxidants to become immortal, or did the antioxidants only start working after they became fashionable? Everyone’s going on about the health benefits of coffee; I don’t care, I just like coffee. I take it black, no sugar, so I can actually taste the coffee.

You know who has good coffee? Dunkin Donuts. I went to a Dunkin Donuts yesterday, and it had been tarted up into a “cafe” and the plain honey-glazed doughnut was P28. It tasted like. . .a plain honey-glazed doughnut. So that’s their plan to ward off competition from Krispy Kreme (awful coffee with artificial milk)—raise their prices. Any place that serves Illy is alright, if they know what they’re doing. UCC is expensive but the coffee is worth it, although you have to remind the staff to bring you the chunky sugar crystals. Afternoons they serve arroz caldo made of oats. Sure I go to Starbucks, but not for the coffee, which is weak and tastes burnt. I go because it’s clean and comforting, even if every branch in my (extended) neighborhood is covered in law students. I like Figaro, plus the Figaro guys were my neighbors and when I was doing a radio show (I miss radio, does anyone want to produce a radio talk show?) they kept everyone caffeinated. My friend wandered into a McDonald’s McCafe one morning and found the staff making espressos which they stored in a thermos bottle; he fled in terror. Coffee at Via Mare, Pancake House, Gloria Jean’s—bleccch. The words “coffee” and “Chinese restaurant” don’t usually go together, but I had an excellent cup at Panciteria Lido in Binondo.

In the news: Brit teenager lands in hospital from coffee overdose. Seven double espressos in a row will do that to you. Remember when espressos were a new thing in Manila restaurants, and when you ordered one the waiter would warn you, “Kaunti lang ho yon” (It’s a very small serving)?