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While you view this educational video that solves that niggling problem “What should we do with all our parents’ Reader’s Digest Condensed Books taking up so much shelf space in the house?” we shall announce the winner of the Weekly LitWit Challenge 4.4: Classes, Books, Teacher’s Dirty Looks.

The winner, as chosen by the readers (If you didn’t vote you can’t complain) iiiiissssss: Cacs.

Congratulations, Cacs! You may claim your prize—a copy of John Irving’s Last Night in Twisted River signed by John Irving—at the usual place starting Monday, January 24. We would bar you from joining any more LitWit Challenges, but we hated the “Give others a chance” rule when we were in school and we’re not about to impose it. Everyone, you’ll just have to beat Cacs. Your motivation: Be the Cacs-sackers.

The next LitWit Challenge is coming up. We figured we’d let you have a weekend to work on your entries to see if the quality is improved or diminished by the time pressure. As newspaper folk know, desperation enhances invention.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

The Yucch-meter finds that they are paralyzed with dread at the thought of reading the submissions for LitWit Challenge 4.4. They are simply not in the mood. To force the Yucch-meter to evaluate the entries in these circumstances would place the contestants in dire peril. How dire?

Ever seen one of our favorite childhood movies, Marathon Man, adapted from his own novel by William Goldman, directed by John Schlesinger, and starring Dustin Hoffman, Roy Scheider and Laurence Olivier? Olivier plays Dr. Zell, “The White Angel”.

“That nerve is almost dead. We’ll just drill into a healthy tooth. Is it safe?” Drill. “Is it safe?” Drill.

He is almost as cruel as Darren Aronofsky (The Black Swan) is to his protagonists.

If a precedent is set it would have to be followed. That might be funny, but most certainly unpleasant.

Therefore the Yucch-meter has requested that on this occasion you, Reader, do the heavy lifting and decide which entry deserves this week’s prize. Post your choice in Comments, and explain why it is more worthy (or less bloodcurdling) than the others. Your votes will be accepted until tomorrow, Tuesday, at 11.59 pm.

There being no set criteria in these contests we cannot fault you for choosing a winner on the basis of looks or for selling your vote for Chickenjoy. However we may yet see if there is such a thing as “the wisdom of crowds”.

One of our favorite books in high school was The World According To Garp.

Every time we think of Garp we are reminded of high school.

So this week’s assignment in the Weekly LitWit Challenge: High School.

Write a story of 1,000 words, preferably less, set in a secondary school. Could be autobiographical, could be fantastic, could be a musical, as long as it’s in high school.

Deadline for the submission of entries: Sunday, 16 January 2011 at 12 noon.

The prize: A paperback of John Irving’s latest novel Last Night in Twisted River, signed by John Irving.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

Most days when I wake up my cat Mat is on my pillow, hugging the top of my head like a hat. Then he says something cryptic, like “Nyork” or “Nyatch”.

The Yucch-meter has just had a delicious, MSG-rich ramen dinner and is in no mood to critique your entries. Instead, the Yucch-meter will proofread your first paragraphs, then declare a winner.

# 2 mak
I am not sure if I am dreaming, but all the sensations are real. (?? How can you be sure they are real if you’re not sure you’re conscious. You mean “feel real”.) The wetness, the stench and the moist are all here for me to bathe in. I cannot move my body and my hands and my feet are gone. I don’t know what is happening. All I remember was that I was drunk and I passed out on the sidewalk. When I opened my eyes I was here, standing alone in a comfort room (“Toilet” would be more appropriate under the circumstances), with my spine bonded onto the wall, my face wet and reeked in reeking of urine.

# 3 thesocialinception
Before Miranda Priestly slept that night, she felt uneasy. She had this queasy feeling (felt uneasy, felt queasy, change one) that something will would happen. She drew her curtains aside and stood looking at her flamboyantly and meticulously horticultured (Horticultured?? Botanied? Chemistried? Try synonyms for “arranged”) garden, looking for anything that might cause this anxiety whatever might have caused this anxiety (Huh? Why would the garden make one queasy? Unless some foul stench was issuing from it). But all she saw was nothing worth her attention she saw nothing worthy of her attention. She withdrew from the window and hastily clutched her mink Chanel robe (We’ll overlook the pretentiousness in case pretentiousness is the intended effect) and laid her body in on her precious curly maple Parnian Furniture bed (Oy vey) and drifted off.
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I was still wearing my scarf but I wasn’t quite myself this morning.

metamorphosis
noun ( pl. -phoses ) Zoology
(in an insect or amphibian) the process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages.
• a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means : his metamorphosis from presidential candidate to talk-show host.
ORIGIN late Middle English : via Latin from Greek metamorphosis, from metamorphoun ‘transform, change shape.’

The classic classic: Metamorphoses by Ovid.

The modern classic: Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka.

LitWit Challenge 4.3: In 1,000 words, preferably less, write a story in which the protagonist wakes up and finds herself/himself transformed into an animal, plant, or object.

Deadline: Sunday, 9 January 2011 at 12 noon.

The prize:
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Look, A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin and the succeeding volumes are available at National Bookstore branches! Paperback, Php315 each.

The assignment is called “Something Sensational”. Our contestants’ understanding of “sensational” is “something horrible you would read about in a tabloid.”

There is a novel many of you may find interesting: American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis.

#7 angus25. The diary of a young man who just had a penile piercing and is worried that it’s infected. This first entry seems to have set the tone for the rest of the pieces, which are full of lurid sexual escapades involving minors and members of the clergy. The Yucch-meter wonders if these are the thoughts that occupy your minds on regular working days, or if these are holiday treats.

angus25: Hilarious! The protagonist sublimates his sexual anxiety into overeating. The recitation of dishes and the description of the ravenous narrator are particularly effective.

#8 Momelia. Diary of a gay man on the prowl. We are stumped by the phrase, “giving us the finger with his good eye”. The author seems to be going for shock value, but after the initial “Ay!” the sex seems rather cold and mechanical. Afterwards the narrator is more interested in criticizing his own technique than in rating the encounter. Or perhaps that is the point.

#10 lampayatot. This brief tale of a love affair with James Franco was written by Imelda Papin many years ago. We recall the neighbors’ maid singing “Lonis nang tayu’y magkakelala” while hanging the laundry out to dry.
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