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You know the drill. Tell us the story of this picture. Extra rule: Your story cannot have a guy looking at himself in the mirror. Hahahahaha.

Our model is Matt Saunders of the Philippine Volcanoes, the national rugby team. He is the leading try scorer for the team in international test matches. (It’s called a try, but it means a score. It’s like a touchdown in American football, also known as rugby with armor.)

Your story doesn’t have to have anything to do with rugby.

1,000 words maximum. Deadline: Sunday, 10 October 2010 at 10:10 am. The prize:

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

The Yucch-meter is waiting.

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First findings of the Yucch-meter.

What we like about oberstein’s story: The name Eufrecina. And the name Eufrecina. And the name. . .The plot is interesting, but the construction is awkward. “With her hand holding a ladle”—how else would she hold the ladle? Might be better if you take out all the adjectives and adverbs and let the plot carry the tale.

What we like about nikk929’s story: We love fantastic tales that begin in antique shops in London, the ones that are gone by the time the poor schmuck tries to return the merchandise, that never existed on that street in the first place. But you lost us at “It was a normal day in London.” It is a variation on “It was a cold and stormy night”, only more boring. And what IS a normal day in London? We’re supposed to buy the image of a perpetually gloomy London? We’ve never seen a gloomy London, it was always brilliantly sunny! But we are not normal. What IS normal?

What we like about Qsdn’s story: It’s taut and compact. What we don’t get, not just about this story but about the contest entries in general: Why do we always get cannibalism stories? Why, when you see a good-looking guy, do you imagine his bloody corpse? Don’t you like guys anymore? Guys are great. And they’re an endangered species! You don’t have to kill them all the time.

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Second pass of the Yucch-meter.

What we like about angus25’s story: Eww. Eww. Eww. As stated in a previous contest, we’ll publish stories that contain graphic sex as long as they’re funny. This one is what is known in journalistic parlance as SS.

Let us reiterate a recently-asked question: Why, when you see a good-looking guy, do you imagine a woman with no head?

What we like about winnerific’s story: Nice pace, intriguing location, gossipy tone. Prose a bit problematic, but nothing that can’t be repaired. Try writing in short sentences. And don’t be afraid to use the grammar checker on your word processing program. (We’re addressing not just winnerific but everyone who has doubts about their subject-verb agreement.)

What we like about cacs’s story: Science fiction! (Have you read Olaf Stapledon? One of the pioneers.) Bit dry, though—we want to feel something for the character. Maybe a memory of everyone he’s outlived, or the terrible solitude of immortality. Like a sandworm of Dune contemplating his former humanity.

What we like about iamstoned’s story: The plot. Very Pinoy horror-drama. Awkward sentence construction, though. The first line sounds like a machine translation of “Ang mga nakiramay ay nagtataka kung bakit ni isang luha ay walang iniyak si Lolita mula nang matagpuan ang bangkay ng kanyang asawa sa paradahan sa opisina hangga’t inilagay siya sa kabaong para sa burol.” It sounds all right in Tagalog but unnatural in English.

What we like about RightClicker’s story: Fairy tale character bitch fest. Unfortunately it doesn’t go anywhere. The fun of using well-known characters is in revealing some new and unsuspected facet of their personalities, i.e. Snow White really is into midgets. Reinvent, repurpose, redo.

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The Yucch-meter had nothing to read for two whole days.

What we like about shadowplay’s story: You sound like you had a good time writing it. If only we could decipher your muddled prose to see what it is you find so amusing.

What we like about wenkebach’s story: A wrestling story! We can’t recall any wrestling stories since the early John Irving (when we used to read him). However, the story is supposed to be set in wrestling class but does not contain any actual wrestling. “They were harder than I thought” just does not convey the physicality of the sport. Where’s the pain?

What we like about ishtevie’s entry: Someday you might create an app for personalized greeting cards! Please note that even if something is written in stanzas with an AAB rhyming scheme it does not automatically follow that that something is a poem.

What we like about Momelia’s story: Froggy Uragon loves Mahinhin Duten. The return of the Ha prefix. The detailed description of frogs’ faces and the research which went into it. (By the way “species” is like “mathematics”, it always ends in S unless you mean “specie” as in coins.) The droll turn of phrase: “The Tuten Frogs are legendary for their breeding exploits on account of they always get some.” “…so cross-eyed that while the normal Tuten sees two, he sees sixteen, and that explains his election.” The oppression of the good-looking. The sheer bizarreness. We approve.

What we like about paopao’s story: The ending. We didn’t see that coming. And the part where the boy escapes from a second-floor room using parkour gave us a good laugh. However, the negotiation between the teenagers sounds unnatural. Then the boy silently critiques the color scheme of the girl’s room, thinks of “retching like a supermodel”, and references Glee. We have something to say about that but we don’t want to make Anderson Cooper angry (Love ya, Andy).

* * * * *

Deadline.

What we like about dibee’s story: It’s The Matrix. But without those speeches in the sequels that caused our minds to leave our bodies. Clever; good idea to bring in Narcissus. Some grammatical glitches, easy to deal with.

We have always been suspicious of our own reflections in the mirror. They seem to know something we don’t.

What we like about magdewart’s story: It’s a John Hughes movie. Or that old Hotdog song, Beh Buti Nga. We suggest throwing in a twist. One that does not involve revenge on the pretty girl. This entry was posted after the deadline and is not in contention for the prize.

Thanks to everyone who joined LitWit Challenge 3.9. The winner/s will be announced tomorrow.

turmukoy for the split-screen tale.

The source of that piece of music is A bout de souffle (usually translated as Breathless) by Jean-Luc Godard. The score is by Martial Solal.

Belmondo, Seberg, Paris

In the movie the guy steals a car, is chased by a cop, shoots the cop. So he has to get out of Paris but first he has to collect some money owed him. And convince the American girl to go to Italy with him. “Deguelasse.” If you haven’t seen it, watch it.

Your entries to this challenge did not have to refer to the Godard, but I liked the split-screen. If you’d thrown in a jump cut the prize would’ve been two books.

turmukoy, you can pick up your prize at the Customer Service counter at National Bookstore in Power Plant Mall, Rockwell, Makati. It’s filed under your full name. Their number is (02)8974562.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

LitWit Challenge 3.9 is coming up. The Yucch-meter has returned from a well-deserved rest. Let’s have some vitriol.

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This week’s Jock With A Book is Jake Letts of the Philippine Volcanoes, the national men’s rugby team. He has the most caps on the team, having played in nine international test matches.

Jake is into rugby, golf, boxing, cricket, softball, swimming, surfing, running and fishing. And reading books. Yes, you read that right. One of his favorites is the Peaceful Warrior series by Dan Millman. When he sat on the couch he picked up the book that was sitting there and started reading it.

Unbeknownst to Jake, the book was there for a very specific design-related issue: Its cover matched the upholstery. This is a picture of Jake realizing that he is reading a pop-up book about fairies. (The ones with wings, spreading pixie dust.)

Here is Jake looking for something else to read.

Every week in the LitWit Challenge we give you an assignment. We’ve asked you to reveal some deep dark secret (Some secrets were so dark you asked that they be deleted). We’ve had a competition for the worst ex (Yours are horrendous. We’re impressed). We’ve asked you to remake classic literature in Carlo J. Caparas mode, translate Gatsby into Filipino, and write mash-ups of mythical monsters and historical figures. We’ve asked you to write stories involving tennis (Oddly all your tennis stories involved sex), to describe the aftermath of debauchery (Obviously more sex), and to spin tales based on a photograph (Even more sex).

And you have delivered. You’re good. What else can we make you do?

We can toss you a LitWit Challenge with no clear instructions. Just this piece of music. Click on the link.

LitWit3.8

The music is from a famous French movie. You don’t have to know what it is, but if you do, bravo.

Now write us a story in 1,000 words or less that goes with this piece of music. Think of it as the theme music for your story.

Post your story in Comments by 11.59 pm on Sunday, 3 October 2010. The prize you are vying for is this:

And some consolation prizes. The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

dibee, for the one about the inception. Congratulations, dibee, you’ve won the Bret Easton Ellis set: Less Than Zero and Imperial Bedrooms. Please post your full name in Comments (It won’t be published) and we’ll alert you when your prize is ready.

Thank you to everyone who joined LitWit Challenge 3.7. These contests are meant for entertainment, but we are flattered that people take it seriously. We all need stories in order to survive, and we need all the ammunition we can get.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

It’s time for this week’s Jock With A Book: Oliver reading The Ultimate Dark Knight by Frank Miller. (Ganyan din kami pag nagbabasa ng Batman.)

Either he really likes Batman or he’s planning to eat the book.

Segue to:

Note hauteur with which Cookie Monster says, “What frog doing in my bedroom?”

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dibee, you can pick up your books any day starting Thursday September 30 at the Customer Service counter of National Bookstore in Power Plant Mall, Rockwell, Makati. Their number is (02) 8974562. Please claim your prize before November 30, 2010.

To all the previous winners: If you have unclaimed prizes at National in Rockwell, please pick them up by October 15. Thank you.

Hearing the Nino Rota score reminded me of Fellini, which reminded me of La Dolce Vita (the film that gave the world “paparazzi”), which reminded me of the wild parties in that movie, which reminded me that we have two Bret Easton Ellis books to give away.

La Dolce Vita by Sketchmovie

Here is this week’s assignment: In 1,000 words or less, write me a tale of the after-after-party. What happens after a night of excess, overindulgence, and behavior you wish you didn’t remember? Why is everyone yelling at you? How did that bowling alley get inside your skull? Who are these people? How are you going to explain that video? Is that a sloth?

It doesn’t have to be in the first person; it could happen to someone else. The prize: Less Than Zero and its sequel, Imperial Bedrooms.

Start feeling that hangover.

You have until Sunday, 26 September at 12 noon to post your entries in Comments.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore.

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Thank you for the first entry. We know time is a fluid concept, but we said AFTER.

* * * * *

The first entry has been deleted upon the author’s request.

As for the second entry the Yucch-meter nearly self-destructed at the line, “He immediately succumbs to the ground” and was forced to reboot for its own sanity.

It’s that kind of contest.

HELP.

* * * * *

Thursday. The Yucch-meter is rebooting and will resume service later today. Meanwhile here’s visual, properly out of focus.

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With the exception of Evan’s short and nasty shocker, the entries feel like the same story submitted eight times. They all suffer from obviousness. There are some details that stand out, and we don’t mean the disgraceful attempts of entry #4 to ingratiate himself with the Yucch-meter (There is a way to do wink-wink nudge-nudge self-referential in-jokey comedy. It is not with a sledgehammer). rani’s description of the self-inflicted bites is the sort of detail that makes a story seem real. angus25, cochise_miz and ariadnespins all use obvious pop culture references (The Bride? Audioslave? White Stripes?) to signify how “hip” they are.

We move that the word “hip” be retired and replaced with “pelvis”.

Here’s a depressing thought: Your notions of debauchery are identical. The more far-out you think you are, the more you are like everyone else.

Is that all you’ve got? And why so serious? Is that guilt?

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The Yucch-meter is back after a full day’s rest and recuperation. There’s nothing like 11 straight hours of sleep to recharge the battery. Now to work.

ralphwaldo: Thank you for not beginning your entry with some variation of “Shet pare, I got so wasted last night.” You have the germ of a story here—young man, faithful household retainer, dying mother, the Eros-Thanatos sex-and-death thing. The Jake character could use some personality. You need a hook.

winnerific: Oy, this time from the “Shet mare, I got so wasted last night” school. But the voice is interesting and the jumpy tone of the internal monologue is sustained throughout. Is this drawn from real life? Do not be the nanny.

jake: Aha, the Raymond Carver-ness. No mention of what had transpired the previous night, but the reader gets that alcohol was involved. Good.

Momelia: Hysterical! You have staked a claim on the comic-absurdist territory in these contests. While reading this piece I imagined Meatloaf and his giant breasts in Fight Club. Could you be…the gay Chuck Palahniuk?! (Newsflash: Chuck Palahniuk is now openly gay. Making Momelia…the straight Chuck Palahniuk?)

dibee: Brilliant. Makes way more sense than Inception. None of that “But you said we had to do A or B would happen. But wait, there’s C! No one’s ever tried it, but it could lead to D!” And the dialogue is solid. You should write movies.

Ejia: That’s bizarre, but it is entertaining. Too much hyperbole. And you can’t just spring the demons on the reader, there has to be some clue early on that the supernatural is involved. You know, the gun that will be fired towards the end.

shadowplay: An engaging (literally) plot is drowned in overworked, often awkward prose. The reader is so preoccupied with untangling the syntax that she may lose the plot altogether. Just tell the story, don’t complicate matters. Complication does not equal depth.

macbookpro: Clever, getting biblical on this challenge. Sodom and Gomorrah did get nuked for their debauchery. I like the part in Genesis that comes before this one—where Abraham has the chutzpah to negotiate. What if I find 50? 40? 20? What if there are ten? Then there’s that disturbing part where Lot’s daughters get their father drunk. Ewww.

2Qt2BSTR8: We are joined by a bruha. You had us at “Revens, honey, revens…” Will see die in a car crass, sipwreck, or avalans? Good use of detail, and the song references are used as atmosphere rather than descriptive shortcuts.

quocksock: We weren’t sure we could publish your story as it is fairly graphic. However we do feature the winners of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Sex Awards, so why not. Unlike many bestselling romance novels, your story is intentionally funny. At least we hope the funny is intentional. We can’t wait for the cannibalism sequence.

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Here’s the last batch of yucch-meter readings.

Ejia: The classic Twilight Zone story works not just because it contains a clever twist but because the reader feels something for the protagonist, be it pity, disgust, or a sort of kinship. The character in your story is merely smug, and not smug enough to be repellent. The words are used correctly, they are arranged in the right sequence, but behind them, what.

kindler: I had to read this over before I got that the narrator is male. Maybe because the speech is a little affected. Perhaps the narrator could describe the women in more specific terms than “lovely, lively”, and by specific I mean “a bit knock-kneed, but long legs”, etc.

jediknight: The punchline is lost in all the “exotic” details.

kittymarie: There’s an adage, “Form follows function.” If the protagonist feels humiliated, why does she sound thrilled? As my friends who work in production would say, “Walang audio-video lock.”

With that, the yucch-meter is going on vacation.

If you can join us in Makati on Sunday, drop us a line in Comments and we’ll email you details. (I gather some of you live abroad.) You all better be 18 or older because I’m not drinking alone.

Thanks to everyone who joined LitWit Challenge 3.6. We enjoyed your stories and the yucch-meter was not overworked. We also want to thank our models for being such good sports (They don’t know what we’re up to). This week’s Jock With A Book: Matt reading the Complete Short Novels of Anton Chekhov.

The Weekly LitWit Challenge is brought to you by our friends at National Bookstore. The next one is coming up.