JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

The jury for My Bloody Twisted Valentine story competition was composed of a.k.a., b.k.a., and c.k.a. I recused myself from the vote and watched dvds instead.

a.k.a. became Chair because he did the most pondering. He also requested anonymity, as it is hard to judge people’s writing when one is dead. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful,” he declared, “Just hate me.” Not content with naming one winner, the jury handed out awards to nearly everyone. However, only the first prize comes with cake.

The complete list of awardees:
The Chair suddenly had pangs of conscience and asked that the snarky award citations be deleted. I said, No, we should tell them the truth. He said, The movie and coffee are on me. I said, Okay.
Honorable Mention: eilish.
Third Prize: evilwoobie.
Second Prize: Rye. If you’re single, the Dessert Diva wants to meet you. He thinks you’re hilarious.
First Prize: sylviaplathsghost. Please email your cellphone number, the name of the person you’re sending My Bloody Twisted Valentine Cake to, and his/her phone number and address to jessica.zafra@gmail.com.

And top51, b.k.a. and c.k.a. were so touched that you wanted the cake for your mom, they convinced the Dessert Diva to send her cookies. Please email your cellphone number and your mom’s name, address, and phone number to jessica.zafra@gmail.com.

Contracting Love, an interview with the makers of the indie movie Endo (opening on Wednesday), in Emotional Weather Report, today in the Star.  I recommend you read the print version where the Qs and As are clearly indicated. Online it sounds like I’m talking to myself. Which may have been the case.

It’s a few weeks after the Christmas season and a few weeks before Valentine’s day. This means there are more lonely, depressed, suicidal people out there than there are the rest of the year. Think about it. There’s nothing like being surrounded by gleeful revellers and love-stoned couples to make one feel like he’s fallen into a black hole.

Crisis line in Emotional Weather Report, today in the Star.

My last interview with singer-songwriter Ely Buendia was in 1994. I figured that two bands, one coronary, and a digital revolution later, it was time for an update

Jessica: The Julie Taymor movie Across The Universe features the songs of The Beatles. How would you feel about a movie musical featuring the songs of the Eraserheads?

Ely: They should call it Across the University Avenue.

Bald Hairdressers and The Afterlife of Porkchops, in Emotional Weather Report, today in the Star.

What was the major or most constant cause of your unhappiness in 2007?
(a) I loathe myself with a passion and wish I were someone else.
(b) I hate my job/I am not at all satisfied with the way my career is going.
(c) Money is always a problem.
(d) I worry about my health and have stress-related health issues.
(e) I don’t like the way I look, and when I run into exes or old classmates my first instinct is to hide.
(f) My relationship bores the hell out of me./ Every time I look at his or her face I want to smash my fist into it.
(g) I know there is something else I should be doing, but I’m afraid to take the risk.
(h) I know I’m meant for other things, but I don’t know exactly what they are.
(i) I can’t sleep and I am constantly anxious.
(j) I think the cosmos is out to get me.
(k) None of the above: Write your answer here.

What was the best thing about your 2007? You can pick more than one letter.
(a) Every aspect of my life worked. My career has taken off in a major way. I am making tons of money. I look better than I ever have. My romantic life is the stuff of legend. Everyone adores me. I am in perfect health. Publishers have approached me about writing a guide to living, and Oprah’s people want me on the show. I’m very active in humanitarian and environmental causes, and I am in touch with Al, Leonardo, and Bono. Wha–what are you doing? You’re crazy! Don’t shoot! Call the guards! Nooooooo. . .
(b) I hit most of my career targets/I love my job.
(c) I make enough/more than enough money so I don’t have to worry about it.
(d) I’m in excellent health.
(e) I look good and radiate happiness; when I run into my exes they feel like killing themselves.
(f) My relationship is going so well I’m inclined to think this is The One.
(g) I have finished or am finishing the work for which I will be remembered.
(h) I have wonderful friends who love me no matter how insane I get.
(i) I am completely at peace with myself.
(j) None of the above: Write your own answer here.