JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Illustration by Adrian Gill

I love the sheer weirdness of the kitchen life: the dreamers, the crackpots, the refugees, and the sociopaths with whom I continue to work; the ever-present smells of roasting bones, searing fish, and simmering liquids; the noise and clatter, the hiss and spray, the flames, the smoke, and the steam. Admittedly, it’s a life that grinds you down. Most of us who live and operate in the culinary underworld are in some fundamental way dysfunctional. We’ve all chosen to turn our backs on the nine-to-five, on ever having a Friday or Saturday night off, on ever having a normal relationship with a non-cook.

Being a chef is a lot like being an air-traffic controller: you are constantly dealing with the threat of disaster. You’ve got to be Mom and Dad, drill sergeant, detective, psychiatrist, and priest to a crew of opportunistic, mercenary hooligans, whom you must protect from the nefarious and often foolish strategies of owners. Year after year, cooks contend with bouncing paychecks, irate purveyors, desperate owners looking for the masterstroke that will cure their restaurant’s ills: Live Cabaret! Free Shrimp! New Orleans Brunch!

In America, the professional kitchen is the last refuge of the misfit. It’s a place for people with bad pasts to find a new family. It’s a haven for foreigners—Ecuadorians, Mexicans, Chinese, Senegalese, Egyptians, Poles. In New York, the main linguistic spice is Spanish. “Hey, maricón! chupa mis huevos” means, roughly, “How are you, valued comrade? I hope all is well.” And you hear “Hey, baboso! Put some more brown jiz on the fire and check your meez before the sous comes back there and fucks you in the culo!,” which means “Please reduce some additional demi-glace, brother, and reëxamine your mise en place, because the sous-chef is concerned about your state of readiness.”

Read the whole piece in The New Yorker.

RIP Anthony Bourdain, who showed people how to walk the earth properly.

A Bekimmentary by Allan Carreon and Deo Giga

We sent the Minister of Propaganda and the Lord of the Thesaurus to the press launch for the E! News Asia special on Philippine King of Heartthrobs Piolo Pascual. Here is their report.

Lord of the Thesaurus (LOT): Ohmygawd! I just came from the bathroom. Guess who was there! Papa P! You should’ve joined me!

MOP: It’s Piolo on a pillow! It’s a Piollow! Now we can sleep with Papa P as much and as often as we want!

Piolo Pascual’s exclusive tell-all interview special will air on E! News Asia Channel on 28 September 2014 at 9:00PM.

Artwork by Lynyrd Paras

When we arrived at the Art Fair, one of the first things we heard was, “John Lloyd is here.” John Lloyd, if you’ve been walled up in the basement for the last several years, is John Lloyd Cruz, one of the biggest film and TV stars in the country, and now an art collector.

“Fabulous. We’ll check out the paintings, and then we’ll look for the John Lloyd.”

A complete circuit of the venue took two hours. A thorough visit would’ve required another couple of hours, but we decided to segue to celebrity-hunting.

“Where in the Art Fair is the John Lloyd?” we asked ourself. We looked in the open bar. They were serving Moet. There was no sign of John Lloyd.

“Think,” we told Moira. “If we were handsome and rich, where would we be?”

We ran into Fernando Zobel de Ayala.

“Okay, put yourself in art collector mode. Where would you go?”

Naturally we ran into our favorite art collector and neurologist, Dr. Joven Cuanang.

“Think hugely successful, massive star,” we said.

So we ran into Vice Ganda. Vice Ganda is awesome. We chatted briefly. Years ago, someone had given him a copy of Twisted. We told him how his latest movie caused popcorn to shoot out of our nose.

“Great, we’ve met the most successful star in Philippine cinema, but we still haven’t spotted John Lloyd.” Everyone we asked had seen him ten minutes ago.

“There’s a Swatch event at 6pm,” Moira pointed out. “He’ll be there for sure.”

“Yes, but he’s expected there. We want to catch him in an unofficial capacity. Put yourself in the mind of an influential personage.”

We promptly ran into Don Jaime Zobel de Ayala.

“My feet hurt,” Moira declared. Your feet would hurt, too, if you’d been walking around for three hours on four-inch stilettos.

“Didn’t you bring flats?”

“Yes, in my bag,” he said.

“Then change your shoes,” we suggested, stupidly.

“Not in public!” Moira gasped in horror.

We were wearing flats, but our feet hurt so we decided to occupy a couch. That’s when we spotted the John Lloyd.

He looks exactly the way he does in the movies.

“We hate your movies but you’re brilliant,” we said. Thaat’s right, open big mouth, eat entire foot. (We must note that in our universe, that is a compliment.)

“That sounds complex,” he said, politely. We kicked ourself in the head.

The couch turned out to be the best-situated seat in the house because everyone had to pass it en route to the bar. Moira spotted Anne Curtis, who graciously posed for photos. Check out her total Dyesebel hommage skirt. (Yes, she and John Lloyd made beso-beso.)

Our couch was so comfortable, we didn’t even get up to snap pictures— we just shot everyone from below, which is a flattering angle.

Artwork by Poklong Anading

When are you going to the Art Fair? Report your sightings!

First, call out sexism in red carpet coverage.

Then demonstrate certain qualities of awards season.

That is the First of His Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm.

Jack Gleeson discusses his aversion to celebrity culture, which would be ironic because the primary reason he’s been asked to speak is his celebrity, but he has declared that he is quitting show business after Game of Thrones.

We hate him, we love him, we hate him, we love him, we hate him….

Update: The Q&A that followed his speech. Tsk, tsk Oxford students.

Tom Rodriguez photo from the Inquirer.

A few weeks ago, we asked you to post your questions for Tom Rodriguez. We compiled your questions and sent them to him care of Helen Rose Sese, production manager of the monster hit TV show My Husband’s Lover. Yesterday we received Tom’s handwritten and illustrated answers to our virtual grilling.

Thanks to Tom Rodriguez for taking our impertinent questions seriously, Helen Rose Sese for facilitating this “interview”, and Rikki Escudero for making this work.

* * * * *

You’ve been in show business for a few years, doing fine but not spectacularly, and then you play a gay man and your career blows up. How does this make you feel? Would you have preferred to become famous for straight roles?

Tom: First of all, thanks for even saying that I am “famous” (not sure how true it is) but it’s certainly not the goal. I want to grow more as an actor and in my chosen craft and support myself and my family financially. Whichever role can give me both, I’ll gladly take. Although the warm reception I’ve been getting from everyone has been a welcome bonus. Parang icing sa cake.

Noel: What is the gayest thing about you? What is the straightest thing about you?

Tom: Siguro the gayest thing about me is being Vincent when I’m in front of the cameras at tapings for MHL haha. The straightest is everything else.

Your dad is in the military, the land of “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” How does he feel about your TV career at present?

Tom: My dad has always supported whatever vocation I wanted to pursue. Especially when it comes to the arts. He says he is really proud of me for taking on the challenge.

Noel: What is the most risque photo shoot you have ever done and where can we see it?

Tom: My pictures siguro for Belo Medical Group. Don’t know if those exact pictures will ever be released, but in a few my pants were accidentally pulled down way lower than expected.

(Cue: Mad googling for aforementioned photos.)

Ricky: If you were a gay man, which guy would you prefer? A. Dennis Trillo. B. Victor Basa. C. Roi Vinzon.

Tom: If I were a gay man, I would choose whoever I was attracted to regardless of age or body build. It’s hard to imagine who I would pick since I can’t picture them in that way. If it comes down to personality, they’re all great people.

Who are your favorite graphic artists? Which comic book character would you like to draw? Would you make major changes to his/her costume?

Tom: My all-time favorite artist is none other than Frank Frazetta. Given the chance, I’d like to do a one-shot of a Superman origin story—I’ve had one in mind as far back as I can remember. I’ve always wanted to address how Clark Kent and Superman can coexist without everyone finding out that they are the same person. The glasses kasi is not enough of an excuse for me.

Ricky: Did you know that your fabulous co-star Chanda Romero had an affair with the openly gay actor Bernardo Bernardo? Has she given you any advice on your portrayal of Vincent?

Tom: She has told me the story and it opened my eyes regarding Vincent as well. It confirmed that it is possible for a gay man and a woman to share something romantically or have a relationship.

wangbumaximus21: If you were offered the role of Daken son of Wolverine, would you accept?

Tom: Of course I would. But in my head I’d rather be Logan. Hehe.

Algernon: Your thoughts on having a gay son of your own. How would you deal?

Tom: I’ve thought about that for a while. My initial reaction was of course to wish for a straight son, but on further reflection, if I were to have a gay son I would still love him and raise him to make a positive contribution to society.

jules: Who is your favorite female comic book character?

Tom: Barbara Gordon. She is just an ordinary girl with no superpowers, yet she is brave enough to fight for what’s right. Hang on, I forgot, she has a superpower. Batgirl has a photographic memory.

allancarreon: DC or Marvel? Which comic book character would you like to portray?

Tom: I can’t pick!!! Please, please don’t make me pick! I love both DC and Marvel. I’d love to play Batman though. I know it’s cliche, but I’m a Batfan. Bruce is such a multifaceted character. I especially love how extremely polar-opposite his code is. He could easily be the most violent of all the DC heroes, yet he has a strict No Guns policy.

allancarreon: You are rapidly becoming a gay icon. Does that make you uncomfortable?

Tom: Ha! Really? I guess I should be flattered, di ba? It means effective yung preparation na ginawa ko for the role.

allancarreon: What cologne or perfume do you use?

Tom: Recently I’ve been using French Connection. The smell is not overwhelming, tama lang.

allancarreon: Will you do more musical theatre after Aladdin?

Tom: I would really love to. They feel like my family! And I have found myself falling in love with the theatre, especially musical theatre. It’s a different feeling performing onstage. The adrenaline rush is like none other. Plus the people in theatre are all genuine.

In what ways are you similar to your character Vincent?

Tom: The way he loves his children is the way I am with my nephews and nieces. We are all like Vincent in a way. We are all trying to do what we think is best for us and the people around us, even if that way may not actually be the truth.

kracle: How has My Husband’s Lover changed your life? Do you get mobbed when you go out?

Tom: I guess you can say people are taking notice of me more than they used to. It’s nice to feel the love from so many people. I am forever thankful and humbled.

kracle: Has the show changed your perspective on gays? How did your mom/girlfriend react to your role?

Tom: It has showed me that gay men are people who go through the same things as everyone else.

kracle: What are your upcoming projects?

Tom: A movie for Viva, Bekikang, and Just The Way You Are for Regal Films. Also Addams Family.

Women, including old ladies, love MHL even if it’s about a man who cheats on his wife with his gay lover. They’re actually rooting for Vincent and Eric to end up together. How weird is that?

Tom: Really shocking. If you’d told me this would happen months ago, I would’ve told you, sternly, “Hey…hey! No…no.” Hehehe. But it just proves that the Filipino viewers are maturing in their tastes.

You’ve described yourself as a nerd. Were you popular in school? Were you a jock?

Tom: Well I played sports in high school, but I was also in the computer club. I guess somewhere in between, just a little bit closer to the nerd side.

You’re also a singer. Who are your favorite singers and musicians?

Tom: Eric Clapton, Jeff Buckley, John Mayer, Michael Buble, Jack Johnson, The Beatles.

silentfollower: Would you agree to do a gay sex scene in a film, like Brokeback Mountain or Happy Together?

Tom: Only if the material is really good. An amazing story and the scene is really really necessary for the story to be told faithfully. Brokeback Mountain is the best example of that.

What is the question you are asked all the time? We’re guessing “Have you ever been in a gay relationship?” and “Would you be open to a gay relationship?”

Tom: Those two exactly, and a few others like, “Are you gay? Because you play a gay on the show.” Have I ever been in a gay relationship? No. Am I open to one? No. At least it’s never crossed my mind. Am I gay? No.

You must get hit on by a lot of gay guys. How do you respond to these overtures?

Tom: As long as they can respect the fact that I am a heterosexual male and I am not attracted to other men. Then I thank them politely for the compliment.

Do you also get hit on by women? How do you respond?

Tom: Yes. I blush. Really really blush. Because it’s flattering—siempre that’s every guy’s dream, di ba? Pero you can’t let it get to your head kasi baka in love sila with the idea of you lang instead of who you really are. So hindi pala ikaw ang type nila talaga.

Do you cry at the movies? What are some of the movies that made you cry?

Tom: Di naman talagang iyak na iyak, pero naluha na ako while watching movies. The last time was when I watched Les Miserables.

Do you watch Game of Thrones? What would be the sigil of House Mott? And who do you think will win in the end?

Tom: Ang hirap! Kasi wolf sana kaso naunahan na ako! Hehe. Sana House Stark na lang manalo ng lahat. Sila na lang sa Iron Throne.

You are assigned to man a space station by yourself for a year. You may bring 10 books, comics, videogames, movies or music albums. What are those ten? (Note: He exceeded the limit and we will overlook that.)

Tom: Books: A Song of Ice and Fire series, Dragon Lance, The Illustrated Man, Fragile Things (or any Neil Gaiman book)

Comics: The whole Hellboy series (Mignola is awesome), Batman: The Killing Joke, Sandman series, The Ultimates I and II

Movies: Somewhere in Time, Star Wars, Blade Runner, The Fifth Element

Videogames: Last of Us, Metal Gear Solid series, Far Cry 3

Music: John Mayer, Where the Light Is

Last question. Do you believe there is intelligent life on other planets?

Tom: Yes. It’s mathematics. How many planets revolve around our sun, how many stars are in our galaxy, how many galaxies in our universe. Dami di ba? So if there can be one planet inhabited by intelligent beings, then probability tells us that there must be another one like ours somewhere out there.

The End