JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

Ako ay isang hamak na babae na wala pang naging boyfriend sa 24 na taon na aking pamamalagi dito sa mundo. Aminado ako na hindi po ako kagandahan ngunit kahit papaano ay matalino naman po. Ngunit may isang pagkakataon na ang tadhana ay binibigyan ka ng pagsubok, pagsubok kung gaano katatag ang iyong utak at puso. Ako po ay nag-training sa isang center para sa mga barista at doon po nagsimula ang kalbaryong nararamdaman ko po ngayon.

Nagumpisa ng maayos ang aking training, nagkaroon ako ng pagakakataon na makakilala ng mga bagong mukha at kaibigan. Masaya po ang aking training ngunit may isang tao nagpakomplikado ng bahagya sa aking pamamalagi sa center. Isa po siyang lalake tawagin na lang po natin siya na Totoy Bato, hindi ko po siya kaklase pero sabay po ang oras ng aming training.

Isang araw, habang ako po ay namamahinga pagkatapos kumain ng lunch ay nagkataon po na naglakad-lakad po ako sa corridor ng aming classroom at sa saktong pagharap ko po sa aking likuran ay nandoon po yung lalake, si Totoy Bato po. Nagkita ang aming mga mata ng ilang segundo ngunit ako’y nailang sa pagkakatitig niya sa akin kaya agad ko pong inalis ang aking tingin sa kanya. Pagkatapos po ng mala-mahikang pagtitingin namin po ay naging habit na po niya na tumingin at sumulyap sa akin.

Nakikita ko po siya Auntie Janey, kaya nagtataka naman ako kung bakit ganoon na lamang kung tumingin siya sa akin. Sabi ko nga, hindi ako kagandahan at sa tingin ko po ay mas bata siya sa akin. Ano ba naman yung magugustuhan niya sa akin?

Sa tinagal na panahon na nakakasalamuha ko ang mga lalake, wala pang tumitig na kagaya ng kay Totoy Bato. Isang pagakakataon po na siguradong titigan niya ako ay noong pumunta ako ng CR, kase po Auntie Janey maliit lang po yung mga kwarto namin kaya yung CR na panlalake at pambabae ay nakalugar doon sa tabi ng kwarto nila, eh wala po akong choice kung hindi dumaan sa may kwarto nila at pagkalabas ko po sa CR ay nadoon po siya nakahintay at nakatayo sa may harapan ng pintuan ng CR po ng pambabae at nakatitig sa akin, as in nakatitig po siya. Wala man po siyang sinabi o anuman basta nakatingin po siya sa kin. Ang weird ng moment na yun, kaya ginawa ko po ay umalis na lang po ako na parang walang nangyare.

Marami pa pong beses na nagyari yun pero hindi na po sa may CR, araw-araw na lang ganyan siya basta may pagkakataon tumingin eh titingin siya, nakakairita po ng konte kasi nga po ni Hi or Hello wala po siyang sinasabe. Hindi ko nga alam kung anong gusto niya eh. Pagkatapos po nun eh, nakikismile naman, ewan ko nga ba sa kanya, mukhang may topak na si Totoy Bato sabi ko sarili ko. Ayaw ko pong mag-isip na may gusto siya sa akin eh, dyusko sa dinami-dami ng bata at magaganda sa training center namin bakit ako pa?

Anyway, hindi ko lang po sigurado kung ako nga lang tinititigan niya ng ganun, baka naninigurado lang yung lokong yun. At nung assessment day na po namin Auntie Janey eh, yung pong mga kaklase niya sa may kabilang kwarto ay may parang may kinakanta na KAILAN, yung kanta ng Smokey Mountain, inuulit-ulit pa nung kasama niya yung “bawat araw sinusundan, di ka naman tumitingin, anong aking dapat gawin?” Ayaw ko pong mag-assume na ako po yung pinaririgan nila eh kase masyadong surreal yun para sakin. Nag-highschool ako at tumapak ng college, wala akong naranasan na ganyan. Pagakatapos po nun eh, ulit-ulit na lang po yung ginagawa niya tingin dito tapos smile.

Hindi po siya nagsasalita Auntie Janey, as in wala. Alam naman po niya pangalan ko at alam ko rin naman po pangalan niya kase isa-isa po kaming tinatawag sa assessment po namin. Kung sanang nagsasalita lang siya at inamin niya kung ano pong gusto niya eh di ayus po ang lahat. Baka nga magustuhan ko pa siya.

Ngayon po Auntie Janey eh aksidente ko po siyang nakita sa isang social networking site at may mutual friend pa kami, so inisip ko naman po baka dito ay magsalita na siya, so in-add ko po siya as a friend then after 2 days, kinofirm po niya yung request ko, pero wala pa ring Hi or Hello na galing sa kanya. Pero, in fairness po sa kanya eh pinalitan niya po yung profile picture niya na mas maayos at magandang tignan, eh gwapo naman pala siya eh, yung nga lang di nagsasalita. I sent him a message then Auntie Janey, saying “Hi! Ikaw pala si Totoy Bato? kumusta naman?” nagreply naman pero matipid lang. Tapos yun, wala nanamang sabi-sabi.

Ano po ba sa tingin niyo ang problema ng lalaking yon? Nagtanong na po ako sa nanay ko at kaibigan pero parang hindi man sila convinced, they listen, yes kase anak niya ako at kaibigan ko sila. Hindi ko na alam ang iisipin ko, parang illusionada na lang ako na naga-assume na may gusto siya sa kin. Tapos may nakita akong picture na may kasama siyang babae, mas bata at maganda, estudyante rin siya sa training center namin. Nalungkot ako pero anong magagawa ko?

Sabi ng utak ko, move on pero, may nararamdaman po kasi ako talaga na meron pero hindi ko ma-explain. Mahirap kase eh baka masaktan ako, actually nasktan na po ako dun sa picture eh. Ano po ba sa tingin niyo ang dapat kong gawin Auntie Janey?

Salamat po,
Maria Clara

Mahal Kong Maria Clara,

Nang nabasa ko ang sulat mo, naalala ko ang kanta ni Tootsie Guevarra na “Pasulyap Sulyap”. Ang akmang bahagi ng awit para sa iyo ay “Pasulyap sulyap ka’t kunwari/Patingin tingin sa akin/ Di maintindihan ang ibig mong sabihin/ Kung mayrong pag-Ibig ay/ Ipagtapat mo na sa akin/ Agad naman kitang sasagutin”. Naalala ko rin ang awiting ito dahil ito ang kinanta ng kalaban ko sa tanghanglan ng pag-awit sa labas ng simbahan ng aming lungsod. Natalo ako.

Marami na ang nakaranas sa dinaranas mo ngayon. Marami na ring nabaliw, umiyak, at gumastos – lalo na ang mga bakla.

Kadalasan ang mga pagtitig na mga yan ang dahilan ng pagkasira ng maraming buhay at mga gabing walang tulog. Hindi kita masisi kung bigla kang nawili sa lalakeng yaon. Likas talaga sa atin ang mawili sa mga napupuna nating nawiwili sa atin. Kahit hindi natin aminin, nasasarapan talaga tayo kapag may pumapansin sa atin. Ikaw pa naman titigan araw-araw ng taong hindi mo kilala, tiyak mawiwili ka. “Ano kaya ang nakikita niya sa akin?” tanong mo sa sarili mo. At maiisip mo na siguro may taglay kang bagay na kaakit-akit na hindi mo alam na mayroon ka. “Someone appreciates me” ang paulit-ulit mong sasabihin sa sarili mo buong araw. Tuwing maliligo ka, kakanta ka ng “Yuu layt ap may layp. Yuu gib mi hop to kiri on…”

Sa totoo lang, ang ginawa ni Totoy Bato (alam ko anong istasyon yan) ay ang pinakapangunahing pamamaraan ng pangliligaw. Kahit ang mga tambay diyan sa kanto ay alam ito. Ito rin ang ginagamit ng mga magagandang lalake na walang trabaho at nangangailangan ng pera. Kadalasan, binibigyan nila ng matinding pansin sa simula ang mayamang babae o bakla. Nang masanay na ang babae o bakla sa walang tigil na pagpansin at pagaaroga, bigla na lang titigil ang mga lalake. Maghahanap ngayon ang babae o bakla sa pansin at alaga na dati ay binasbas sa kanila. Sa kagustuhan nilang makuha ulit iyon, magbibigay na sila ng pera, bagay, o gagawa sila ng mga bagay para sa nakaakit sa kanila. Dito kadalasan nagsisimula ang mga iskandalo.

Hindi ko masasabi na umibig si Totoy Bato sa iyo. Pero sigurado akong may balak siya dati sa iyo. Kung may gusto talaga siya sa iyo, sana ay gumawa na siya ng mga hakbang para makilala ka ng mas mabuti. Ngunit hanggang titig lang siya. Hanggang doon lang iyon. Kalimutan mo na siya at tanggalin mo na siya sa Mukha-Aklat.

Ang payo ko para sa lahat ay: Kapag may nagbigay pansin sa inyo, huwag magpahalata na nawiwili kayo. Hintayin ninyo silang gumawa ng mga hakbang para mas lalong mapalapit sila sa iyo. Huwag padalos dalos at huwag masyadong pag-isipan. Tandaan ninyo na ang yaong tunay na may gusto ay maghahanap ng paraan para makuha kayo.

Nagmamahal,

This person (clearly of taste) happens to be a tall, handsome man. As you stare he looks up, catches your eye and smiles – he asks for your number… Browsing in a bookshop you reach out to pick up a book; so does the person standing next to you. The person happens to be a tall, handsome man. He catches your eye and smiles – he asks if you would like to go for coffee… So run the fantasies of many a book-lover.

It has recently come to my attention that I have been focusing on other people’s dilemmas for quite some time. Too much drama. This is not healthy. One must also cater to one’s needs. So, I decided that for today’s column, I would talk about Me.

Auntie Janey

I have recently celebrated another decade of my life. I learned in Oprah that whenever one reaches a certain age, one must acknowledge it publicly. Oprah’s guest psychologists said that a public celebration of particular birthdays would help ward off depression and help the celebrator acknowledge that he or she is no longer that young(but still young yet older).

I have done what Oprah’s guests advised. Since it was impossible to gather everyone I know from throughout the country and throw a party, I decided to celebrate my birthday the whole year round. The celebration is done by feasting, which I do either alone or with a random friend who happened to stray in this part of the country.

Before every meal, I would take pictures of the food and shamelessly upload them to Facebook(which takes care of the publicity requirement). The pictures are accompanied by descriptions of the dish and where it was ordered. If I go out with a friend whom I haven’t seen in a while, I would say “It’s my nth birthday this year. I’ll take you to lunch/dinner/merienda”.

Some were gracious enough to pay for the meal as a birthday gift.

The constant feasting and public acknowledgement is working its magic. I have reconfirmed that how you treat yourself is how others will treat you. The universe also senses this and acts accordingly. I have been fed by people I barely know in good restaurants without me giving them any cause for feeding me.

How I’m celebrating my birthday has affected the way I speak and deal with other people. My voice has acquired a more confident tone and I now speak with a certain accent. Food attendants and salespeople are taking me more seriously and older people seldom talk down to me. I have also noticed that those who constantly snoop on my Facebook profile are a little bit in awe of me. Being lavish with yourself can actually build up confidence and enhance self-respect.

Or maybe I’m just a social climber.

My preference for clothing has also changed. I now opt for brighter and bolder colors. I have also given away most of my old shoes and acquired more interesting pairs. I am now more inclined to pay for quality and have become less prissy about price(but still prissy by some people’s standards). I still abide by the principle that one should buy only what one needs, but I now prefer quality in the things I use for my needs.

I need advice and I need it fast.

I got married early to my first serious boyfriend. I have a good looking husband, who sincerely wants to make me happy, I have equally good looking kids, ages 10, 6 and 2. I have supportive parents who take care of my children (I’m the youngest and the favorite- well because my siblings live abroad) while I am at work. I have a good paying job. My family’s close knit, God fearing. I am happy, contented with my every day routine , in short, I have a seemingly perfect life, so I thought until I met him.

He is six years my junior. We work in the same Company. At first, I never noticed him (he isn’t good looking) until that time someone close to him told me that he had a big crush on me because of my ‘elegance’. That perked up my interest because elegance would be the last of a description on how I view myself. We had a chance to meet in one of the Company gatherings and I found him to be so smart, funny, boyish and so assured of himself. I saw in him the things I failed to see in my husband. I fell for him and he longs for me and we both knew it. It’s just that it wasn’t right. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted him. I gave in to my desire and decided to commit that one mortal sin- infidelity- emotional at first and then physical that went on deeper and deeper. We were compatible in all aspects (to think I have a great sex life with my husband).

That was four years ago, we stopped for almost three years because we wanted to move one with our lives while we still can. He was seeing someone and I got busy with my kids trying to be a patient mom and a good wife. We tried to be civil as if nothing happened between us. We have common friends so we can’t avoid each other. No one knew of that affair.But we both knew that no matter how hard we tried to move on, the attraction was still there and it was so great. So when he split up with his girlfriend, we again gave in to that attraction and had that steamy affair last year.

I may have still that God Fearing conscience in my system that Guilt got the better of me, and I decided to put a stop. Now he is trying to engage in a relationship with someone younger than him, with such a pretty, fresh face, intelligent and with a personality similar to him . The young girl and I work in the same building so I would get to know details of their blossoming love life. I feel jealous but I know that it’s the inevitable. They would make a perfect couple.

Auntie Janey, I know that I am wrong. I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But as of this time, I still long for the company of my other man. How do I cope up fast to get over him, please tell me. I feel jealous with the young girl. I begin to feel sad, depressed and I am frolicking on my own pain and insecurity. I can’t tell anybody else about this. I begin to have bouts of hyperventilation syndrome. I tried to focus in bonding more with my children and husband, but the other man keeps on getting in my head.

Please tell me how to get over him fast Auntie Janey.

This is a very difficult problem. It’s very hard to deal with lust. How can you make yourself get over someone who gives you very very good orgasms? Orgasms have a logic of their own and it is useless to reason with them.

I will not be quick to say that what you have done is wrong for I would be imposing my own values on you. But I will definitely say that what you have done is illegal. You, madame, are an adulteress. And this man you had steamy sex with several times, is an adulterer. Here’s a tip for the straight guys out there: if a woman wants to get on with you, don’t ask if she’s married for you can only be charged with adultery if you had knowledge of the woman’s marital status before coitus. I can hear the women cry “Unfair!(Insert feminist rantings here)”. Don’t complain to me. March to Congress.

Confessing to your husband might not be a good idea. It can be cathartic but you’ll be branded as a slut and he might kick you out of the house. Your life could go down the drain and I don’t think you’d want your children hating you. And people who know you might whisper “Is she blind? What did she see in that guy?” Wow, this is so like The Descendants and I think the reason why George Clooney’s wife cheated on him was because that other real estate guy gave her good orgasms. Another reference I could think of is Jhumpa Lahiri’s Interpreter of Maladies.

You could quit your job. If the guilt is truly eating you inside, putting a great distance between you and your object of lust could just be the thing. I think the reason why you cheated was because you were very bored with your routine and your life. This man gave you excitement and a sense of adventure which seduced you. He gave you something that you secretly longed for – thrills, drama, variety, and yes, steamy orgasms. You could try doing a very challenging and exciting job that would engage your whole being. A new working environment could satiate your need for adventure.

Another option would be doing some sort of penance. I am not saying that you should do something religious. This may sound a bit sick and twisted but you could punish yourself if that would assuage your guilt. I am not advocating self-flagellation or kneeling for hours in churches. Maybe a difficult personal mission. If we cannot find somebody to forgive us, we could forgive ourselves. Briony Tallis did some self-imposed penance in Atonement.

Confession could do you good. Maybe you could tell a very close friend, a trusted relative, or even a priest. Sometimes we just need somebody we could talk to. Talking about it can help you deal with the guilt and having someone to support you in your struggles might make dealing with your guilt a bit easier. I’m sure there are professional counselors out there who could help you with this.

I am very well aware that my mere words cannot stop that throbbing between your legs. You are under a very strong spell and it requires a very strong will to break it. Lust is a form of energy and you could channel it to other productive and wholesome pursuits. You need to preoccupy yourself with lots of work and activities. I find that immersing yourself into lots of things could kill your libido and at the same time give you fulfillment.

If all else fails, you have your hands or whatever suitable objects you can satisfy yourself with. A simple release would be enough to satiate you and enable you to get back to business.

If you cannot be contented with that, you are definitely in deep poop.

Truly Yours,

I am going through something right now in my love life and it would be really interesting to hear or read what you think of it. I am engaged to a foreign guy whom I met online last year. I used to work abroad and anyone who works abroad can tell you that chatting is one of the more interesting pastimes you could have there. I have had many chat mates and even had online relationships with a few (all Pinoys), but I haven’t had any real boyfriends that I have met personally until I met this guy.

Within a few months of our chatting, he went to see me in the country of my workplace (he’s from another continent), something that no chat mate or online boyfriend of mine has done in the past. I was of course swept off my feet by this huge display of affection and therefore agreed to marry him. He’s much older than I am, but I figured I didn’t mind the age difference especially since I was getting tired of all the childish and immature men I have met in the past. He’s very smart, good-looking, and most importantly, financially stable. What more can I ask for? I gave up my job abroad to join him in his home country with plans of getting married there. Once there, some not-so-good qualities of him emerged and I found that I was lonely and wanting to go back home. But I still loved him and still wanted to marry him.

The marriage didn’t push through because there had been some glitches with my documents so I needed to go back home. (Until now, I keep on thinking, was this a sign?) Upon parting, we agreed that I would apply for another visa and get back there soon so we could fulfill our plans. Once I was home, I applied for the visa and it was approved, much faster than the first one. Now I’m just waiting for my travel documents. I thought everything was going well. Or so I thought.

Very recently, an old online flame came back. I don’t know why, but I entertained him. He was the longest online relationship I had (5 years) but we never had the chance to meet. I thought I at least owed him the truth about what’s going on in my life now so I told him everything about my foreign fiance’. Then came the unexpected (or maybe I half expected it), he asked me for another chance. He told me he loved me still, wanted me back, and made immediate plans of coming home here so we could finally meet. I don’t know why but I felt that the feeling was mutual. I also loved him still and I missed him terribly after a year of trying to ignore him. I don’t know how I could tell my foreign boyfriend about all this. I also love him. But upon analyzing myself, I came to the conclusion that I love the foreign guy in my mind, and the Pinoy in my heart. Is that even possible?

This Pinoy doesn’t want me to back out of my engagement to the foreigner because of him, but he wants me to do it on my own free will. In fact he said, he’s even willing to wait for me and if ever the marriage pushes through and it doesn’t work out, he’d still be there waiting. Is it even fair to have him wait? As I said, I didn’t feel so happy there in my fiance’s country, and even though in the beginning I have set my mind to spending a lifetime with him, after that short stay, I had a few hesitations. Do I really want that life? But at least we have met and been together. Unlike with Pinoy, it is again another question of whether or not, once we meet in person, we would feel the same love as we feel online. I’m running out of time! If I am going to back out of the engagement, I should do it before he even purchases the tickets for me. I haven’t slept a wink in a week because of this. Please help. Thank you.

My, someone has been very busy.

Wait, when your fiancé visited you in your country, you immediately said yes to his marriage proposal? You must have been very lonely to immediately jump on the proposal and give up your job just like that. I have never been a fan of spontaneous life changing decisions because, more often than not, they leave a bitter aftertaste in your mouth. Yes, yes, we could all say that we need to seize life and all that jazz but such spontaneity can only be viable if we have wealthy parents, ample trust funds, good family lawyers, or are about to die. After living our lives to the fullest for a few moments, bills, creditors, and living expenses will hound us for the rest of our lives. That’s just me. Feel free to disagree.

I think you are not ready to marry your fiancé. You are actually looking for a justification to escape and you have managed to latch on to this online lover that you’ve never even met in person, hoping that he would save you. Dare I say that this is your pattern for escaping undesirable situations? You look for something or someone to rescue you from whatever oppressive forces that you are exposed to. To illustrate, you were lonely despite the number of your online boyfriends. Your life was boring and monotonous. Then came your fiancé, who traversed the seas and skies just to free you from your life of isolation. KABLAM! You instantly said yes when he proposed. A new man, a different land, and a life totally different from the life you were leading awaited you. After the magic faded, you realized that you have placed yourself into another undesirable situation. Then came this past online lover who offers an alternative to what you have now. KABLAM! You are now seeing signs from the universe and sensing the intervention of Fate.

Do you follow me, Frazzled? The question here really is, how ready are you to commit to somebody? I must tell you that all of us have undesirable attributes, even you. Commitment is accepting the good and the bad of the person that you love. Commitment is fully knowing what you are getting into, consciously deciding what you are willing to give up, and being ready to face the consequences of your choice. Are you fully capable of doing this?

Presumably, your fiancé also has some complaints about you. But if he still wants you to come back, this may strongly indicate that he is committed to your relationship. But you should not decide on the basis of this. Do not feel obligated to marry him just because he already spent much on you. You must think deeply about this and examine your reasons for wanting marry him in the first place. Take out the resurrected online lover out of this equation in order arrive at a proper solution. This is about you, your dreams, your plans, and your life. Do not ever marry for the reason that this may be your only chance to get married. Never marry out of desperation.

The best thing that you can do now is ask for some time to think things through. If he cares for you, he will wait. If he pressures you to make up your mind quickly, that would be your cue to drop him. But never, never ever make this online lover a substitute or replacement for your fiancé. That would be sad and pathetic. Love and marriage is not a goal to be achieved but a way of life that needs to be nurtured and constantly worked on. Do you have the stamina to do this? Think about it.