JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I’ve been wanting to write for some time now but I can not muster the courage to do so until now.

You see, I’m a 28 year old gay guy (I guess the subject is a dead give away) who is still discreet about it (I’ve just begun telling my colleagues in my new work place and it seems fine to them. I get the occasional look of disbelief after the surprise. Hey, it’s better to tell it right to their faces than have them back stab me, saying something like “look at his mannerisms!”, “he’s too kind for a guy!”, “he dresses too… uhm, neat!”. I just hope it wouldn’t backlash on me like what it did for the Hello Garci tapes). I just began accepting who I am last December 2011. My, that’s 20-something years of hiding my true self. Although I had a BF of five years, there’s this notion inside that what I’m doing was wrong; the half part says that I loved him, the other part was demonizing every single thing the other self did (super ego, i suppose?). I think that explains why it took that long for me to, uh, spread my wings like a cute, little butterfly… with pixie dusts.

After that small introduction, I have a few questions I hope you can help me with:

I’m 30 and moving to UK next month for work and further studies. I’ve been single for more than 2 years. My last relationship lasted 7 years. I’ve had three boyfriends in total and they were all former classmates (so we’re in the same age group). They all came into my life one after the other so I never had the chance to be single for so long until this last breakup. When I found myself finally single, it was so disconcerting. I don’t know if it was the age, the weight, the working environment, or just that there are too many gay guys in the metro, but I couldn’t seem to find anyone even for just a decent date! But I didn’t sulk. I traveled, found my faith and became active at church, went out with friends, spent time with family and adored my nieces. When I found my self at a good place, I elected to go abroad – widen my horizons, so to speak. I know in my heart that I want a family, and I felt that by moving elsewhere, I’d be upping my chances to have that dream.

I didn’t get attracted to anyone until I met a new employee in another department on my last month of work. He is 7 years my junior. I was indirectly his boss. I’m a sucker for guys with smoldering, tantalizing eyes. He’s got that and the whole bad boy appeal. He also comes from a broken home, lives with a relative who took him in. He relies on his meager salary. He’s got some emotional issues as well, but I find him intelligent and I enjoy our conversations. Since my resignation, we found out we like each other and have seen each other three times. Since money is tight with him, I took on the lead to be creative. We went to a park. We watched a free movie once. And I cooked for him. I explained to him that I don’t want to have something physical like sex so he has always kept a respectful distance. He would just reach out for my hand when we are about to say goodbye. There have been instances when I feel sorely tempted to go beyond the last-minute hand holding and the kiss-on-the-cheek once. Notwithstanding the religious guilt, I’m scared for my feelings to deepen. We talk about our dreams, our problems, our philosophies. I give him career, family advice. He shares to me lessons about his hard life. He tells me he’s falling for me and wishes his circumstances would be different. I don’t want to romanticize the boss/employee, older woman/younger man thing. I know that I want to go out there and advance myself. I just don’t know how to be ending this when I leave. There’s a part of me that would still want his presence as a friend, perhaps? He told me he really wants to be in touch still at least online. What if I’ll be going out with another or would be in a relationship another, should I tell him that? Or am I thinking too far ahead?

Thank you for taking the time out to read my letter. You give very sensible, heartfelt advice.

There are many gay guys in the metro and when I look at the younger generation, I note that they are increasing in number. Did you know that a recent study in China shows that 16,000,000 Chinese women are married to Chinese gay men?

My impression from your letter is that the two of you are not yet officially a couple. You just date, hold hands and talk. If my impression is wrong, it’s not my fault. Hahaha.

It is my opinion that women should not give up their dreams for career advancement for a boyfriend much less a fleeting love interest. Maybe when you are already married and you are really pressed to make a choice between career and family.

Your so-called relationship is just at the initial stage and whatever bonds you have developed are at best tenuous. A career in the United Kingdom, a free pass to all European Union countries, and the chance of marrying into the royal family(no matter how remote) far outweigh an iffy relationship with a penniless boy who has emotional baggage (I am your snooty Auntie Janey for today. “Ipapagpaliban mo ang Inglatera para lang sa isang dukhang lalake?”)

You already know that you want to go out there and advance yourself. You are just distracted from your goal like the way I’m distracted from writing this column by a bag of assorted polvoron. You are just having a tantalizing appetizer. The gorgeous main course is in UK. The polvoron is delicious, especially the cookies n’ cream and peanut variety, but they are not filling. I am also feeling the religious guilt for bingeing on this polvoron like you are probably feeling the religious guilt for indulging on this boy.

It will end when you leave. Or what you are feeling right now will slowly fade out once you begin a new life and meet interesting guys. You could still be friends and keep in touch online. That’s no problem. Just please, do not send him remittances to bail him out his financial situation. And no balikbayan boxes! Do not cultivate dependency and neediness in him. You will be on the losing end. You may even realize that it would be best to stop communicating with him. To begin with, there is nothing really deep between the two of you and it may not withstand the distance and time difference.

If you suddenly have the urge to go beyond the hand-holding and kiss-on-the-cheek, be sure to have protection. We don’t want you ruining your chances in marrying Prince Harry or marrying a lord.

I have recently separated from my husband when I found out that he had an affair with a married ex-girlfriend. The affair started shortly after we got married and ended when the lecherous ex-girlfriend had a miscarriage. It is unfortunate though that I only found out about it after the fact. I wouldn’t delve into the details but leaving him was the right decision.

Since the discovery I am now partially healed and trying to move on. The prospect of dating again is now very much appealing. In fact I have dates slated for next week. But the thought of dating again scares the hell out of me. My husband was my first in every sense of the word. I have not been with any other man. I was barely out of school when we got together. Now I have no idea how to handle being single. I also feel like Im committing adultery which in the strict legal sense I am actually.

I was ready to move on and start dating again when ex-husband and I started talking and seeing each other again. He is trying to win me back and to be honest Im undergoing relapse. A small part of me is hoping but I still can’t figure out whether or not my hope is motivated by fear or whether it is a legitimate hope because we are meant to be together.

It is difficult for me because everyone thinks I made the right decision leaving him and every time we spend time together, I am again convinced that I still love him but as soon as we go our separate ways, I want to date other men again. I am plagued by this desire to try other fish in the big big sea. I seriously don’t know what to do or how to act.

It is only adultery in the strict legal sense when you have sexual intercourse with a guy not your husband while your marriage is still legally in effect. So when dating, you cannot go all the way but you can go pretty far. Some groping, kissing, rubbing, body contact and the things you do with your mouth will not put you in jail.

You are still adjusting and well out of your comfort zone. At a young age, you had gotten married and you have never truly known what it is to be an adult on her own. So of course, you would consider getting back with your ex. Routine is more preferable to the unknown. Humans are creatures of habit after all.

I will not bitch-slap you to knock some sense into you. I would just like to point out that he had lied to you from the beginning of your marriage. In a sense, the marriage was a lie despite the legal trappings. Now he has the gall to come crawling back to you? If the affair was merely a lapse of judgment or a one-night stand, it would have been acceptable, for me, to forgive him. But what your husband did was very willful. A conscious choice to betray your trust and play you a fool. He had you for many years yet he did not value you. Why would you go back to someone who never thought much of you in the first place? Be forgiving if you like, but do not be a fool. If you were meant to be together, he would not have cheated on you right at the start of your marriage.

Now, about the dating. Do not pour yourself out to your date all at once. Dates are not therapy sessions. The last thing anybody wants is damaged goods. If he asks, tell him the truth. You are legally married yet you are already separated. If asked why the marriage did not work out, just say that your husband cheated. Do not behave like a wounded animal. If you still hold some bitterness, best keep it in. I am not saying that you should deceive your dates. I just want you to appear strong and dignified. A woman who is still holding her head high despite the setbacks in her life.

Date as many men as you can but do not be too over eager and overreaching. Do not appear desperate. Do not be clingy and do not think of these men as your new hope for such disposition may make you a prey for abusive types of men. Regain your faith in yourself by doing things that help you build your self-esteem. Do not ever rush into another relationship. Take your time and have some fun. Take very good care of yourself.

Always remember that your happiness is in your hands. It will never be the responsibility of other people. It will take time for things to be in order once again. Just be patient and remain strong.