JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I’m 35, unmarried but happily attached to my boyfriend for 7 years, with a peace in my family life that only comes with decades of (successfully) threshing out issues. I have a tight circle of real best friends some of whom I travel with, a reliable old car, and a house that’s perfect for cocooning. In short, I’ve run out of goals to aim for.

I am now at a crossroads in my career and I’m having a hard time deciding which ship to jump to. This is probably the only drama I have in my life right now, which is why it’s turned to mush with my over-analysis. I need a fresh lens with which to view my options. I don’t know what I want.

I have three job offers: one with my current gig, another that will require relocation, and another that will pay me the most. I’ve tried doing the pros and cons chart, the consult with loved ones approach, feng shui, prayers and keeping still in bed for an entire weekend to “connect with myself”. But still I don’t know what I want.

What are the things one must consider when faced with three forks in the career road? Please don’t give me crap about “doing what you love, doing good for others,” etc etc because they’re all good offers and I know I’ll adjust once I’ve decided. I’m just having a hard time deciding (ie. closing doors).

Help?

I have half a mind to send my credit card bills to your address just to add a little bit more drama to your life. I can assure you that they would cause your forehead to furrow in consternation.

I think it is high time to focus on your personal goals. Do you want to marry your boyfriend? How grand should your wedding be? Should you invite me to your wedding and billet me in a five-star hotel that gives its guests butlers? How many kids do you want to have? To what schools would you like to send them? What kind of life would you like them to have? The question that needs to be answered now is what job would best complement the life you want to lead. It is no longer about owning a car, a house or being financially stable but about what kind of life you want to have with the people you love.

If you want to have a family, I suggest that you get the job that would pay you the most money. I assure you that you will suddenly find that your house is not big enough for your growing family and one car is not enough to accommodate your baby’s safety seat and it’s assortment of baby things. You will need to buy at least one more car. The nanny, make that nannies, need to have seats in the car and they need their own bedroom and bathroom. Think of the birthday parties that you have to throw in an attempt to outdo the other birthday parties in your child’s class and make him popular. Your electricity bill will skyrocket because the five air conditioning units in your house need to be functioning twenty four hours a day. At least two TVs will be blaring during the day – one for the maid who needs to watch her variety shows while preparing meals in the kitchen and another for the maid babysitting your kid. Three, if your kid hogs the humongous flat screen TV in the living room and your two maids do not watch the same shows. These are just a fragment of the things you would have to spend on when you start a family.

But does your boyfriend really want to marry you? (A question that could trigger events of soap opera proportions). You have been steady for seven years and the two of you are presumably doing well. (Wait, are you a woman?I’ve just realized that you did not specify whether you are an unmarried man or a woman. One can no longer presume these days). I find it suspicious that he has not proposed to you yet. Is he being evasive about the subject? Does he change the topic whenever you try to talk about marriage or kids? If yes, you may have a problem. Menopause is about seven to ten years down the road. I’m just saying. If you want to shake things up between the two of you and at the same time make sure once and for all that he has plans of marrying you, I suggest that you relocate. He should not be complacent and must be reminded that he could still lose you despite all these years.

It seems that you are no longer besotted with your current job, otherwise you would not be considering these two job offers. If you think that your job is holding you back from fulfilling your full potential, by all means do not overstay. I think that all of us should continually strive to move forward to bigger things be it in our professional or personal lives.

To cover all the corners, if you are a gay man I urge you to take the job with more pay. A gay man’s aspiration in life, I am told, is to become more fabulous as the years pass. Try to outdo the former you.

If you can’t still make up your mind, just give me your address. Better yet, I’ll give you my bank account number. At least you will be able to help somebody who is in need.

I belong to the dying breed of hopeless romantics.

While my classmates in elementary were reading R.L. Stine, I was piling up on Sweet Dreams (the predecessor of Sweet Valley). Sure enough, by the time I finished high school, I had already went through countless Barbara Cartland, Jude Deveraux, and all other titles of Harlequin Romances known to mankind. Whilst my friends were crushing on Aaron Carter, I was dreaming of the dark and brooding Mr. Darcy.

After a cathartic weekend, I arrived at the conclusion that my infatuation on romance novels is the reason why I am such a hopeless case until now.

I believe that I am neither insipid nor ugly. I had high ideals of what my first relationship will be, at 20, I am still a NBSB and in danger of turning bitter. The problem is that my brain switches from attraction to images of matrimony in a second. I know that Shakespeare said that expectation is the root of all heart aches. But I can’t really help myself.

What to do?

I must admit that I enjoyed reading romance novels in high school. Porn was not easily accessible in my hormonal teenage days. The closest porn I could get my very eager hands on was my friend’s father’s back issues of Penthouse magazine. It was very tricky business sneaking a peek at those magazines. We actually had to set a date on which we would visit the friend’s house on the pretext that we had to do a school project. We usually popped in when his parents and grandparents were not around.

Now romance novels, on the other hand, were very abundant in my house since almost all of my female elders loved to read. All of us were encouraged to read. So, I read. Ah, the thrusting, the moaning, the quivering, the bittersweet pain accompanied by sharp cries of ecstasy, tumescent manhoods, jewels hidden in supple down, bulging body parts – metaphors upon metaphors upon metaphors.

A lot of these novels have actually influenced many a woman’s notion of love, romance and sex. A man must be tall, intelligent, assertive, well-muscled, brooding, brave, charming, strong, wild and graceful. The man must have the ability to sweep a woman off her feet at first glance in the midst of sparks or fireworks.

Women, especially a lot of my friends who have subsisted on romance novels since high school, actually expect every man to behave like the male leads in said novels. They sulk and complain while declaring “It’s supposed to be like in the novels!”. To all of those who hold such standards, I must point out that all female leads in the novels are tall with long silken hair, have firm and voluptuous breasts, have very flat and trim waists, have long and shapely legs, have very alluring eyes and well-defined eyebrows, and have an untapped sensuality about them that needs to be unleashed. If you women do not have ALL of these characteristics, I say that you have no right to demand that the men in your lives should be the embodiment of the fictional male leads.

We are so preoccupied with what we want in a partner but we rarely give thought to what we can offer in return. We often ask for something wonderful but have we made ourselves worthy of the things we ask for? You cannot pour new wine into old skin.

Time and again I have said that we should work on ourselves. We should make ourselves valuable. We should ready ourselves to receive what is due us.

EB, it is not enough to dream and fantasize. We spend only a portion of our lives asleep, the rest we spend on making our dreams come true.

SPOILER: It’s not that fantastic the first time. It’s awkward and messy. You also need to work on it to be good at it and be able to enjoy it. You know what I mean.

I’ve been going out on dates since I was 21 years old, but none of them worked out. I’m 31 so that’s a decade of dating. I only had one boyfriend, which only lasted for about five months. I don’t really have a list of the number of men I officially dated but if I’m going to give a rough estimate, it’ll be around 25. I did not include the men whom I tried to pursue but nothing happened, those who pursued me but I did not return the favor, and men I had sex with, so if I include all of them in the count, I encountered around 150 men when I started dating more than 10 years ago.

I am tired of the trial and error. I saw this French movie, Les poupées russes (Russian Dolls), and felt that I am Xavier (Romain Duris) when he said that “if I think about all the girls I’ve known or slept with or just desired, they’re like a bunch of Russian dolls. We spend our lives playing the game dying to know who’ll be the last, the teeny-tiny one hidden inside all the others. You can’t just get to her right away. You have to follow the progression. You have to open them one by one wondering, “Is she the last one?”

In my case, it’s always a failure. I’m always meeting the wrong men. Is it because I’m looking in all the wrong places? Why am I attracting jerks, co-dependents, men with excess baggage and issues, men that are sick in the head? Is it because I’m desperately looking for love wherever I go? I must admit that I have my flaws too, but I believe that I’m a good person and giving my all to become the best person that I can be. I believe I deserve a good man as well.

I think it’s but normal to want something. I want a partner because I want to love that person, support his dreams, and share my life with him. I want it bilateral. I am willing to work things hand in hand without sacrificing love, trust, and respect for myself. Is it because being a discreet gay man in the Philippines is difficult? I’m a butch-type gay man but I don’t see that as a problem because I’m meeting a lot of men despite being discreet. I go out a lot, not really in parties, but in activities that I enjoy like volunteer works and advocacies, running, swimming, dinner and gathering with friends and coworkers, art exhibits, film festivals, etc. I can’t be blamed for not being out there. The last straw was when a former coworker introduced a gay who is nice and decent but isn’t my type. I am now officially exhausted.

I hope you do not get me wrong. I believe that my standards for a boyfriend are realistic: if I am attracted to him physically (he doesn’t have to be really good looking), we can talk and connect (we have chemistry), we share the same values and principles, and if he’s a good person, then I’m okay with that. We need not share the same interest. If he’s from a different field, that’s better. My background is arts and culture so it will be better if I meet someone from a different field. But it really doesn’t matter. As long as we connect and are into each other, I’m okay with that. This year alone, I met around a dozen guys. But it’s either he’s my type but he only wants to have sex with me or I’m his type but he bores me to death.

Kenny Loggins sang “Wait a little while” and the lyrics somehow gave me hope: Wait a little while to welcome what you’re after/ Give it the time to find its way to you/ And soon as you no longer try, you’ll turn and find it standing by your side/ Come and get it, when you let it, it’ll come to you But I do not want to heavily rely on a song lyrics so I’m giving myself a deadline: I will let go of finding love beginning December 1 this year and focus on myself and my goals instead. I mean if I don’t meet “the one,” at least I have my vocation, advocacy, hopes, dreams, friends and family. I’ll be happy and complete. A man may or may not come, but I am content nonetheless. What do you think?

One hundred fifty huh. Wow, my sex life IS dull.

After conferring with my Guiding Spirits of Gayness, I declare that you are not attracting “jerks, co-dependents, men with excess baggage and issues, men that are sick in the head”. It’s just they comprise a large part of the population. It’s not only you who is having a hard time sifting through the debris. I think in the gay world, finding a good man is like panning for gold in a very muddy river whose banks are overcrowded with fortune hunters. There is abundance of inferior ores but the nuggets of precious gold are too few and elusive.

The movie Under the Tuscan Sun (based on a novel with the same title) adequately explained the proper technique for catching ladybugs (Yes I changed metaphors. So what?). Catherine explained “Listen,when I was a little girl, I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs.

Finally, I’d just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me.” Essentially, if you cannot catch what you are chasing, sit still and let it come to you. This is true not only in love but in life as well. Whatever you hold very tightly will squeeze out through your fingers. Do not splash around in the water with your pan, just gently agitate the water to see if you’ve got gold.

I advise you not to be over-eager in your quest for love. When you meet a candidate, do not immediately give him your all. You may end up overwhelming the person. Always remember that whoever you meet had a life before he met you and it takes time for him and you to sync your lives together, if they can be synchronized at all. Just give him a little taste of you every now and then. Don’t shove your whole chunk down his throat in one swift motion. I adore Edam cheese (but not the locally-produced ones) and it is quite tasty when I nibble small slices. But if I gobble even a fourth of the ball, I get nauseated.

Be light and fun. You may talk about your philosophies in life, but do not burden him with your issues and drama all at once. Please resist the urge to be dramatic. Also make yourself interesting and tailor yourself to the niche you wish to attract. Based on my research (homosexuals have interesting networking sites abloom with graphic pictures and contain very specific demands) there are such things as chub chasers, bear lovers, daddy fetish, waif obsession, discreet gays and alleged “bisexuals”. Each niche has its own culture and mentality. Members of each niche generally keep to themselves.

What really interested me were the advertisements/demands of those who are aged 29 and upwards. They are looking for relationships and the information on their profiles list their interests, hobbies and philosophies in life. Most of their friends have similar interests etc. except for the masseurs(yes this was how I spent my Christmas vacation).

My Guiding Spirits of Gayness posit that the best candidates for a serious relationship are from this age bracket. Most of them are oversexed, are tired of the usual fare and are in search of something deeper and meaningful. A Guiding Spirit even said that he would not date somebody who is in his early twenties because it is the age of discovery and the young man does not yet really know what he wants and is more likely to sleep around. I guess homosexuals have a different way of maturing. A gay man must be very hands-on if he is to mature emotionally and sexually.

Panning for gold requires years of hands-on experience. It can be dirty, exhausting and frustrating. It takes time. But those who have patience and skill are the ones who get to go to the goldsmith. Maybe it’s too early for you to impose a deadline. Hope was not put in Pandora’s Box for nothing.

I am up at 3AM mulling over what to do about my personal affairs. You sound like someone with a lot of common sense so I thought you might be able to help. I’m very ‘type A personality’ and rarely discuss how I feel, even with friends. But I have this problem all of a sudden.

We have this newbie at work whom I started chatting with/ joking around with maybe about a month ago. She’s very smart and charming and it just follows everyone will like her it’s just that I couldn’t sleep I think about her constantly. Even when I’m not in the office. So apart from the few times I’ve talked to her I hardly ever know her. And I mean, I barely know her. I have severe privacy issues I refuse to jump into this whole social networking thing. So cross out twitter/facebook stalking. We don’t have common friends. And then we’re in different departments. So we’re as disconnected as can be. We’ve nothing to do with each other at all.

Except that during those very few times we’ve talked I feel this very strong connection with her. I grew up too soon and am calloused beyond my years so I have no fantasies about ‘how it feels so right’. Love affairs can be one of the most horrible things in the world. My last affair from 3 years ago ended so badly I’m not even sure how I survived it. I haven’t even been able to understand that yet, so I’m not exactly very eager to move on to the next one.

This girl smiles at me a lot and we have interesting conversations, but I think she’s generally unaware of my existence. Well, I took a week off one time and when I got back she told me she missed me. But I guess people say that all the time now.

She’s in a serious/steady relationship and on top of that, I’m beginning to suspect my boss likes her. And they hang out a lot. And I don’t like what I feel when I see them. We won’t ever hang out because I’m so painfully shy. I can just spend day after day after day pretending not to notice her. I’m one of those people at work who’s extremely preoccupied. I can play it that way.

But do you think I should give it a try? And how do you gauge that? I mean when do you try and go against the odds (boyfriend/ unofficial boyfriends, etc) and when do you choose to just let it go?I’ve thought about how love is really a form of self expression like writing or painting. It’s something that you just put out there. Like you owe it to yourself to do that. I mean, should I, in this situation, try?

First of all, I strongly suggest that you refrain from using “Love and Kisses” when closing your letters, especially when you are writing to a total stranger. You are no longer a giggly pony-tailed eight-year old girl and I have no inclination to smother you with hugs and kisses in return.

We can never be certain if we are ready for relationships. We might be telling ourselves that we have no time for it, that we are not mature enough, and even boast that we don’t need it. It is only when the universe plops someone onto our laps can we truly say whether we are ready for that someone or not. I will not attempt to ascertain your readiness for love for you seem to have sufficient self-awareness to do that on your own.

What made my ears perk up was your statement that the girl is in a steady relationship. Could it be that you want her because there seems to be an insurmountable barrier between you and her? Nothing whets desire better than having something so near but beyond reach. Think about it. You are in different departments, you do not have easy access to her and you have your inherent limitations and idiosyncracies which you think are incompatible with her. Man, she got you hooked. Pragmatically speaking, she may be very friendly towards you because she’s new at the office and she just wants to make friends and create a good impression.

You want her. There is no denying that. You are even jealous of your boss, who could be spending a lot of time with her because she’s new and he’s helping her get the hang of things. Maybe her job requires her to spend more time with him?

What to do?

Instead of jumping in and going all out crazy in the name of love, I suggest you be friendly with her. Just hang out with her more. Take the time and make the effort of being around her. Do not be a stalker. Let her get used to your presence and do not be intrusive. Study her and her ways. Always remember that she is still in a relationship. Do not let on that you want her for yourself. Get to know her well and you might see something that turns you off or make you decide that she’s worth risking it all.

If you decide that she is indeed worth it all, I suggest that you embody most if not all of the things that she wants in a man. You must not just pretend to be the man of her dreams, you must become him. You may have to alter your behavior, the way you think, even the way you live. Surely, her current boyfriend may have his faults and you can slowly ease him out by assuming characteristics that she thinks are wanting in him. But do not let on that you are doing this.

Be subtle and cunning. If you corner her, she will just panic and bolt. Some may insist that you should just be who you are but Albert Einstein said, “The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”. We could all do some alteration and modification. Even diamonds have to be polished and cut before they are set into jewelry.