JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

This is my first time to write to your column and I don’t know if you would take me seriously but I honestly feel and think that I need your help on this matter. You can call me Lukresia, Luk for short, I am 24 years old and never had a boyfriend, I’ve had crushes along the way. Most of my close friends in high school and college have gotten married, had children, lived with their partners and went on steady relationships with their boyfriends. All except me. There is me, the ever loyal and supportive friend who never experienced being liked and courted by a guy, who never had a boyfriend unless you count all the imaginary ones she had. I had my heart broken already especially if we are talking about the cliche unrequited love story. I wear glasses, with a sprinkle of Cherry Pie Picache’s facial features and big-boned but not fat. Never did I consider myself attractive, I don’t smile a lot and I hate my picture being taken.

My friends are pressuring me indirectly to have a boyfriend and be in a relationship, I hate that I love them so much that I can’t hate them for doing this to me. Like I am being forced to drop my single status and change it to “in a relationship”. Well honestly, I was thinking of having one but whenever I like or get attracted to someone there’s always this force field that goes up between us and I end up losing my interest and momentum. I have liked guys younger than me, same age group as me and even older than me but still unsuccessful. I love being single, I have always been single since the day I was born. I got used to it already, it gives me the independence and freedom that I need.

And now, there this one guy that I really liked when I was in high school, his name is Marlon. I sent him a love letter on Valentines’ Day telling him that I really liked him, that I care for him and hopefully I can manage to expose my true identity to him after a year, My pseudonym then was Aya Brea but unfortunate events came and our family needed to sell the house and transfer to another place. All of my plans were halted and our life changed drastically. I can’t stop thinking about him then, after seeing him holding and reading the letter that I gave him, proving at least that he took time to appreciate what I gave him. It touched me and made me think about that he “might” like the person behind the name Aya Brea. Now it’s already 9 years since we left and I still can’t make myself forget him. I’m trying to convince myself that I no longer have the feelings that I had for him then, I was just 14 then, a teenager. And I don’t know if Marlon still remembers what I told him then or there maybe a chance that he still has the letter that I gave him. He knows me, we see each other everyday, we were playmates and schoolmates. I heard that he still unattached and still single. I smiled when I heard the news. I want to see him, that’s why I’m making an effort to search for him on Facebook but still unsuccessful. I want to see him.

Well Auntie Janey, honestly I want to see him because I want to finish what I started, even if it will break me into pieces again. I just need to tell him who I am.

Is this a good idea? Healthy? Am I desperate or going bonkers?

Yes Luk, this sudden fixation on your past high school sweetheart is unhealthy, a bad idea, and reeks of desperation. You are still in your mid-20’s, don’t worry about it too much. People you know who are already married or are in a relationship do tend to become smug and find joy in pressuring their single friends to get a partner. You are not alone. Just mentally give them the finger and go on with your life.

I must point out that this fixation on Marlon is a sign that you are getting desperate. It can be likened to somebody who is very broke and, as an act of desperation, goes through every piece of clothing that one has ever owned in the hopes that there’s some money in the clothes’ pockets. Including those clothes that have gotten acquainted with nesting mice. You are clinging to a fantasy. Stop it, stop it, stop it! And what have you started exactly? NOTHING. Get over him please. Listen to my fabulous fingers snapping.

I am of the belief that certain things will only happen when you are truly ready for it. I have experienced the force field phenomenon, not only in my love life, but also in my other endeavors. Be thankful for this cosmic force field for the universe is protecting you from making a mistake. It is telling you that the thing that you want most is not for you or you are not yet ready for it. Forcibly break through the force field and you will suffer the consequences.

I am not saying that you should remain idle. Forgive me for saying this, but the nuance of your sentences and your word choice (I could be wrong) give the impression that you do not have faith in yourself and that you are lackluster as compared to your friends. I am not being mean or condescending, just being practical. This may be the reason why your friends got snapped up first.

We are in a free market economy and one must be aware of of one’s strengths and weaknesses. Enhance your strengths and compensate for your weaknesses.True, we should be ourselves, but there is also the nagging question of who are we really. Work on yourself. Do it slowly, don’t rush. Take your time. Find what it is that sets you apart from other girls.

Did you watch The Miss Universe pageant back in 2010? I watched it because everyone in the office was glued to the TV during the live telecast. To get the judges to notice her, Venus literally set herself apart from the equally beautiful girls. In the swimsuit competition, the other girls walked very briskly, but Venus took her time and acted as if the stage solely belonged to her. Whenever all of them were lined up on the stage, most of the girls leaned to the left, Venus leaned to the right. My attention was inadvertently drawn to her because she subtly acted differently. Her strategy got her into the top five.

I want you to adopt the Venus Raj strategy (sounds very gay). What is it that usually make people notice you? Discover what this is and work on it. Whenever you are in a group, do not act like your group mates. If they are flirtatious or loud, act demure and poised. If they are timid and shy, be outgoing and fun. Just don’t overdo it. Play it by ear.. Do not act in such a way that says that you are desperate for attention. Also tinker with your hair, your clothes, and even the way you speak.

Attractiveness does not occur naturally. It needs a lot of work, painful work. It is a conscious effort and the regimens associated with it should be part of your routine. Venus Raj did not pop out of he mother’s uterus looking like that.

I always seek your advice every time I go through emotional stress. I wrote you twice before and you just have the right words.

Going to my story: I had a guy friend whom I knew for 6 years. I met him through a girl friend. The guy friend, let’s call him Octavio, and I were close. But we just went out thrice during those 6 years. We used to exchange text messages and emails. Four years ago he left the country to work abroad. After that I never heard from him. But when he came home in 2009, he called me up and we met for dinner. It was fun and I was comfortable being with him.

When he left we still communicated. He is a responsible man, a good son and a reliable friend. Fast forward to 2010. I left the country too. The country he lives in now is just a one-hour plane ride from the country where I am. He called me and we exchanged emails. We talked about our plans.

For my birthday this year, I invited him to come over. I thought he would never take my invitation seriously. He said he would but I never believed him. On my birthday I received a phone call from him: he was at the airport! I was happy that he remembered me. So he came to the house and joined the party with my family and friends. During the party, while I was in the kitchen, I heard my friends ask Octavio, “Why are you here? Do you like her?”

I heard Octavio say that he liked me and he planned to move to my country or ask me to move to his. Octavio went back home that night. You will tell me, “Haba ng hair mo! Pumunta lang para sa birthday mo! Gumastos pa ng air ticket!” Well I don’t care. When he left, my high school friend Jolli, started asking me if I liked the guy. She told me that I should like him because I’m already 26 and I might end up a spinster. She even told me, “If I had no boyfriend now and Octavio came along, I would get Octavio”. I said, “Then go get him.”

Jolli even told me, “Ang arte-arte mo, feeling mo ang ganda-ganda mo. Bakit ang choosy-choosy mo?” She kept telling me that for the entire night. Nakakapika. But okay, since we were friends, I had to be patient.

A day after my birthday, I emailed Octavio expressing my gratitude. The email exchange led to his saying that he loved me and that he wanted me to move to his country or he could move to mine. (Did I ever approve of that? Did I ever say I liked him back? NO!). He told me, “I thought we had something.” (Assuming?) And after that email I never spoke to him again. Never.

I realized I don’t like Octavio. I don’t care if I end up being an old maid. First, Octavio never confessed his feelings for me in person. Yes, he told my friends about it, and he emailed me, but never told me straight to my face. And his plan of having me move to his country? If I liked him, I might consider it. But no, I will never do that. He told me, “I thought we had something, I’ve known you for almost 6 years, I thought that was enough.” I may be sweet but sorry, I was not flirting.

And I was so offended by what Jolli said. It was not the first time she told me “Ang arte-arte mo, feeling mo, ang ganda-ganda mo.” It would be okay if she said that twice or thrice but she kept repeating it. And I feel humiliated whenever her friends hear it.

Auntie Janey, after that birthday I haven’t spoken with Octavio and or gone out with Jolli. My attitude is, I can go on with my life without talking to you or seeing you for centuries. And I don’t know why I am so good at that. Do you think I am a bitch?

“What are beeches for but to beech around fellow beeches.”

You must be stunningly beautiful. If Helen of Troy’s face could launch a thousand ships, yours could make a man buy a plane ticket.

Based on your narration of facts (we have no way of getting the guy’s side of the story), Octavio was too presumptuous for comfort. You did the right thing.

Expecting something in return for something is standard in business and professional relationships. It is how business is done. But intentionally doling out gifts or going out of your way to do a favor because you are expecting to get friendship or love is just sad and manipulative.

In friendship or in love, you give because you want to give. Not because you wanted a gift or something else in return. If you desperately want a gift, buy one for yourself. And in case you desperately need romancing, there’s, um, self-sufficiency.

Lately I have learned to be wary of people who generously give me stuff without the slightest provocation. Most of the time these people employ the utang na loob technique. After giving you stuff, these people proceed to treat you like crap and expect you to be subservient. Ex-friends, relatives and certain acquaintances have done and are attempting to do this to me. I think that my reputation of being a dick and an ingrate is slowly spreading, much to my delight.

I also approve of your disengaging yourself from bitter Jolli. It’s nice to have friends who will honestly point out your flaws for your sake. But there are those who attempt to impose their values on you or make you feel inadequate for their own selfish reasons. One should learn to identify and avoid the latter group. Friends pull you back in when you are losing your way. Slave drivers tie you to their carts and whip you if you stumble on the way to their destination.

Keep your interactions with bitter people to a minimum. They have the habit of dousing your joy and infecting you with their negativity. Nakakapanget sila. Always think of your happiness. Self-interest always governs all.