JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

I am a thirty-something woman working in a foreign land who, like most of your letter-writers, is clueless on matters of the heart. It’s just like the 500 Days of Summer, in reverse. How do I describe the first encounter? Kaboom! All my plans of just work, no play died. I am an insanely sane person, very stoic and can withstand all a**holes in the galaxy but why do I have to feel this way? My friends and the people around me say I am a late bloomer. This is probably the reason.

The problem is that guy doesn’t like me and treats me as a friend, and I can’t bring myself to break the friendship. I caught myself doing absolutely everything for the guy but of course I always get disappointed and feel so stupid because all effort is worthless.

It’s a shame though. We have the same taste in music, movies, and books—which endears him to me. I am petrified to confront him and tell him how I feel. I would feel moronic if I do it. I am 100% sure it will not end with us being together. I tried to stop seeing or texting him but, like I said, living in a foreign land makes it hard. It’s quite lonely at times. I break promises to myself and see him again.

I know…I know from all the advice you gave from previous letter senders (STOP SEEING HIM) but it’s so hard. I’m in my 30s, why do I have to feel like a 13 year old? I will probably let him go in time. But how to begin? How should I disappear? Like Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind…

Aunt Janey I need your help please.

I haven’t watched 500 Days of Summer so I cannot relate. But I have watched a lot of boy-meets-girl movies, foremost of which, and I am not ashamed to admit this since I’m writing anonymously, is A Walk To Remember (“I told you not to fall in love with me. Now I hate God!”).

I think the more appropriate movie for you would be The Road Home which stars my very close friend, Zhang Ziyi. She plays a young girl living in a remote village somewhere in China. One day a twenty-something teacher arrives from the city. He is assigned to be the village school teacher. Upon laying her eyes on him, KABLAM!

The men of the village are tasked to help him build the school building while the women are asked to cook food for the men. She is bonkers with love. To demonstrate her love, she wakes up very early in the morning to whip up dumplings, hot pots, and other dishes that required a lot of ingredients and elaborate preparation. The products of her labour are then served in a large, intricate porcelain bowl—the best in her house.

The women are required to place whatever they’ve cooked on the table during lunch time. They are not allowed to chit-chat with the men. After placing the dishes on the table, all of them walk away and watch from afar while the men eat. They are only allowed to come near and pick up the dishes after all of the men have eaten and gone back to work. She has no means of knowing whether her beloved actually ate the food she painstakingly prepared. But she does it everyday anyway.

I will not tell you to stop seeing him. You have a friendship after all and good friends are hard to come by these days. What I want you to do is stop making him the center of your universe. I understand the loneliness that you feel, especially when you are new to a place and you know only very few people. I urge you to widen your circle little by little. Slowly make new friends here and there. I want you to see less of him and more of other people.

Try online dating or attending socials. I hear that people in foreign lands organize socials where singles mix and match. Force yourself to meet other people if you have to. Dragging yourself to an event and talking to other people can be fun.

Obviously the friendship you have with him is very dear to you. But the only way to make it last is to not let yourself put a strain on it. Distancing from him once in a while can be good for you. If he is not in your face all the time, you can actually see other things, other men even, who have been in front of you all along. Most of the time it’s just a matter of forcing yourself to expand your perspective and giving yourself more room to scan the horizon.

How do I deal with a friend’s husband who is flirting with me? We do not live in the same place, but I chat with them on the internet quite often. I am married and my husband is a former co-worker and friend of her husband. My husband and I actually met at their wedding..

Now I’ve noticed that my friend’s husband, if he sees me online, will always talk to me. And the way he talks, he tells jokes that are so awkward and personal that they make me feel uncomfortable. He even told me how he still got lucky on their wedding night even when he was really drunk. I try to change the subject and start talking about their daughter and my friend. I’ve also started to avoid talking to him, though I still talk to my friend.

One day he caught me online and said that he was flirting with me. I didn’t know it at that time, but I was shocked; it explained why he made me feel uncomfortable every time we talked. All I was able to say was, “I’m only joking with you and I hope you don’t take it seriously.”

A few months after this happened, my friend unfriended me and my husband on her facebook. I was a little surprised until I remembered what happened. I love my husband and I never flirted with the guy. Do I try to talk to my friend about what happened? I keep thinking that in the end, I would still look bad. It’s her husband and I’m only a friend. Also, is this something that my husband should know about? I never told him about the flirting because I thought it was nothing, just a case of bad, awkward jokes. He is aware that I talk to them, though. He also noticed that he got unfriended. I am no longer friends with the guy on facebook or on messaging. Although my husband is still friends with him…Please help, I am very confused!

It’s a very difficult and sensitive predicament indeed. I cannot give you advice on this one but I may be able to help by giving you some suggestions on how to think about resolving this matter.

First let’s talk about priorities. How much do you value this friend? I may sound callous but there are some people you grow out of, hence there is no need to give much thought to why they unfriended you on facebook. It’s much better to just fade out from a person’s life than to make a dramatic exit. However, if you have shared a lot of things with this person and have gone through a lot of things with her and still want her to be your friend, I suggest you reach out to her. Just ask her what is wrong and invite her to have a heart to heart talk. Be prepared for very, very sharp words in case she accuses you of flirting with her husband.

Of course she will think that you encouraged her husband. That will be the most hurtful part of her accusation. Remember, we are just talking hypothetically. She might have unfriended you for a different reason and you may have to ignore everything I say from hereon.

Where was I? Ah yes, when she accuses you, you should vehemently deny it. Chances are, she will not believe you. You will have to be firm in your denial and you must assume an unapologetic stance. Be genuinely indignant if you can manage it. You must tell yourself that you are the victim here and dammit, you will not cower before this woman who has wrongfully accused you. This will be the point at which your ties with her will be severed. It is not your responsibility to protect your friend’s marriage. You have a reputation, a life, and a marriage of your own. The best thing you can achieve here is to sow seeds of doubt in your friend’s mind that will eventually grow and make her realize you were innocent after all. Your denial may become more convincing if you have a printout of your online conversation with her husband.

Do not grovel and declare that you still want to be friends. The offended party should never apologize. This is the moment in your life that you have to be extremely selfish. Your reputation is at stake. You need to make a preemptive strike. Gossip can assume the color of truth if told repeatedly over time.

If you plan to have a confrontation with your friend, you better tell your husband everything first. Explain to him what happened and what you plan to do. You and your husband are a unit and both of you must be prepared for the emotional whirlwind that you are about to start. This matter concerns not only you but your husband as well because you may be suspected of being unfaithful to him. You have to secure your castle first before galloping off to defend your honor.

If things very ugly between you and your friend, you will have the consolation of knowing that you’ve aired your side. Making the first move gives you the upper hand. Boldness has always been associated with virtue.

All of the things I have mentioned are only dramatic suppositions. They are mere suggestions on how you may approach the problem. You yourself, deep down, know what you ought to do. After all, you are the one who knows yourself, your husband, and your friend best.

I met this guy at an office meeting a week ago. He’s from a service provider working on a consultation basis and I was tasked to provide him background information on the project he needs to work on. I was terribly late for the meeting which was scheduled way before my usual shift. Had I known that I would meet an interesting person that day, I would have taken time to shave and dress for the meeting.

I was a complete mess that day but he doesn’t seem to mind. As a matter of fact he was indifferent. It was like a scene from one of those romcoms where the lead falls in love with someone who oblivious to his existence. Except that in this case the lead is a 33-year-old gay guy far less attractive than Hugh Grant.

I did some research (aka stalking) and confirmed that he is gay. However, the more I found out about him in cyberspace, the more that I’ve realized that he’s out of my league. The idea of dating someone out of my league is alien to me because I have a healthy sense of self-esteem and I do not classify people into “inferiors” or “superiors”. But here I am today. Smitten and totally feeling inferior.

My mind tells me to heed Robert Greene’s 36th law and save myself a few weeks of heartache. But my heart tells me that he could be the one and I should give it a shot. To complicate matters, it seems that our first meeting will be our last as he will be working on the project independently. It would seem very inappropriate to reach out to him on a personal level.

Unless of course I am Hugh Grant because he can get away with doing silly things just by being charming. I’d probably just wait for the deus ex machina. I won’t hold my breath for it but hopefully it happens before the credits roll.

I don’t know what help I’m asking for. I suppose I just need to hear from someone who would understand.

This I say unto you: ASK HIM OUT.

Gays are still guys, you know, despite disputable claims that some of them are women trapped in men’s bodies. Heterosexual guys can become fast friends by just talking about sports even though they have nothing much in common. If they like each other, they are instant friends. The same principle applies to gays. After one good conversation or good sex, the two parties can decide that they are a couple.

If he accepts your sudden and unprovoked invitation to coffee or wherever you are planning to take him, it means that he is interested. If he declines, you are not his type. If he declines but asks for your number, he is interested. There is really no sleuthing around when it comes to gay relationships. If the guy says he likes you, he likes you. If he says otherwise, move on to the next guy. There is no need to look for subtext here. Take everything at face value. After all, it’s between guys and most guys are direct and blunt about these things.

The “league” factor is a big deal I must say. Guys are also innately competitive and there’s definitely the tendency to make the other feel inferior. The “I’m bigger” attitude is there. But you’ll never know unless you ask him out. It’s the to know if you have a chance.

I think the indicator of a good homosexual relationship is that there is a give-and-take cycle going on—a symbiotic relationship (bayotic, get it?). Both guys are deriving satisfactory benefits from one another. However, if one is doing all the work while the other just lies there, something is wrong. Somebody is taking advantage of the other. It’s already a parasitic relationship.

It would only be slightly less weird if The Noblest Triumph was some sort of spiritual text, and not what it is: a book on property rights. Sometimes when she tires of the answers property rights hold for the future she switches to The Mystery of Capital and asks what it thinks. It’s a book on the importance of streamlined business registration procedures and clean land titles to developing economies.

I’m asking my ceiling, How the hell did I end up here? And dear god how can I get her to leave? I gave up on the having sex with her question about an hour ago.

Jay-Z said, ‘Homie straight finish your breakfast’, so that’s what I’m gonna do. Tell you a little bit about myself. I was born with the gift of laughter, and a sense that the world is mad. No, that was Scaramouche. And I don’t know how to Fandango.

She said when I met her and asked her to come home with me, ‘Wait, I have to go do something first, I’ll meet you at your house later.’ Ok, I thought, the shrug-off. I’ve been here long enough, I know the deal. Say yes, then later when you’re safely out of personal contact range say, ‘Oh sorry, actually I can’t come’ via text. Fair enough. But she assures me ‘No, no I promise I’ll meet you at your place I just have to go do this thing in QC.’ I don’t press the issue; she’ll either show or not show. She seems nice enough, sincere enough and so, so pretty. I go on with my night.

630 AM. She’s there. The sunlight is starting to burn. She’s even prettier in the light without makeup on. Thank god, she’s not ‘club hot’. I give myself a pat on the back.

730 AM. My god. She’s mad. She wasn’t like this earlier. Was I just drunk and missed the clues that she was a crazy person? Surely I wasn’t that drunk? It’s so blatantly obvious that I’ve invited a crazy person into my home. Well, she is really pretty.

DEAR BEN. COULD U HELP ME TO WRITE A TRUE STORY OF MY LIFE MIRACLES, ALMOST ALL PEOPLE THEY KNOW AND HERD ABOUT ME. I HAVE SOMETHING TO TEL U. USHOW ME UR CAT. AND I KNOW WAT WIL HAPPEN OF THEM…DONT 4GET MSG. THE MEN IS THE HEAD BUT WOMAN TURNS IT. ITS ME YUNA.

I wake up around 1 pm. She’s busied herself during my nap by sending texts to my friend. Who is a woman. Whose name is not Ben. It’s really hot now, gets unbearable in my place around this time with no air-conditioning, with just the busted looking green fan plugging away. She’s also made a contraption. Isn’t that nice? She’s doing something. I know what that is. Seen it once before.

Well, that explains a hell of a lot. Apparently the ‘thing’ she ‘had to go do’ in QC was ‘drugs’. Sad Face.

PLEASE CALL ME IF U INTERESTED.

MY OFFER I WILL GUARANTY U THAT IF YOU SELL THE MANY STORY TRUE LIFE UR DEPT IS FINISH TO PAY IT.

Meth is a hell of a drug. It doesn’t appear to be a drug for lazy people. Or for those not mechanically inclined. The contraption she has fashioned consists of a half-disassembled lighter, a match, tin foil, and a disassembled ball point pen reassembled to fit their new purpose. I review the last few hours, the prophecies, the diagrams she drew, with the now sadly disassembled ball-point pen, of my name, a crudely drawn map of the Philippines, words, like heart, and love and arrows connecting them, a flow chart of madness, and understand. The story about Ramos and the Department of Agriculture and her family’s chicken farm which may or may not have been seized by a conspiracy involving the highest levels of the Ramos administration (or was he trying to stop the conspiracy?) while no less clear make a lot more sense.

I HAVE MANY TIME TO VIRTUE THAT I CAN DO IT ALLTRUE STORY LIFE OF IMORTAL TORCH, GOD KNOW I KNOW THE WINNING MUCH RACES ABOUT ALL COUNTRY MEN.

She invites me to her multi-level marketing meeting at 5pm. Just around the corner apparently. Tells me to invite ‘BEN’ as well. Tells me a few more prophecies about the country and its imminent downfall. I ask her to leave. She insists that the multi-level marketing will make us rich and the chicken farm will once again be hers. Though what you do with a chicken farm in a country headed for disaster is a little mysterious.

Now’s not really the time for me to demand narrative consistency. I tell her to leave. She says ok. But ‘Next week may pupunta dito. Kukunin ka nila. Huwag mo silang labanan, bubugbugin ka lang. Pero kung di ka lumaban you’ll be ok.’ She leans her lovely, as yet unravaged face in, her highlighted hair curtains around my head as she kisses me softly on the nose, gathers her things and leaves.

Is it intrinsically human to feel lost sometimes? You know the feeling that you have come to a fork in the road and you suddenly find yourself unable to decide which road to take?

That’s what I am feeling right now.

You can call me Rob. I am a graduate (my degree has to do with numbers) of one of the premiere universities in the country and have for the past 5 years worked in a position that is in line with my college education.

And on the anniversary of my fifth year, just a couple of months ago, I found myself at the human resources unit tendering my resignation. I don’t know, but at some point I just got tired of working. I did not want to do any number crunching anymore. I felt that there was more that I could do besides number crunching. But what that is is entirely unclear to me.

For the next couple of months I busied myself with learning photography. I like it, but at this point I am not sure that it is something that I should pursue if only to make money. But I feel happier doing photography than crunching numbers. The fulfillment is different when you get a nice photograph than when you assay something meaningful from a bunch of numbers, models and theories. Since childhood I had a knack for the arts. I just was not able to develop it. My choice of college degree came out of practicality rather than passion or idealism. That is to say, mukha kasi akong pera. But it was a choice nonetheless, and a calculated decision.

Hence the dilemma. That choice brought me to this point and now I am stuck and need someone to point me in the right direction. I can do the number crunching but it doesn’t have any happiness in it. And there is photography, which I would like to explore for its possibilities, but I doubt it is a feasible career path.

So here I am calling mayday. I’m confused. I’m lost. Point me to the right way.

Grateful for your response.

This will not be the only time in your life that you find yourself at a fork in the road. And yes, it is part of being human to feel lost. Otherwise the Greeks would not have invented Philosophy and nobody would have come up with a concept for the TV series Lost.

Obviously you come from a family of means. If you were somebody from the lower income class, your parents would have already bitten your head off, chopped your body into neat pieces and sold them at the market. The fact that you chose to dabble in photography post-resignation underscores this fact.

Not everyone has the luxury to just quit their jobs and explore their interests. You are fortunate so use your time well and figure out what you want to do for the next few years of your life.

I used to have the ability to quit a job without thinking of the consequences. I was a beneficiary of dollar remittances at a time when the exchange rate was really high. I quit my first job after four months because I felt that it was beneath me. I was paid a decent sum of money but I spent most of my days taking online tests at Tickle.com where I discovered that I was more Angelina Jolie than Jennifer Aniston. I also discovered I was an Artist in my past life and my inner sexual goddess is Hestia.

I wanted to have a job that required me to use my professional knowledge to the utmost. So I went into government service. After two weeks on the job I realized that my boss was a lunatic, so I quit. My benefactor was gracious enough to send me generous stipends during this turbulent period.

After two weeks, during which I watched all the movies at the Cine Europa film festival and pretended to be a film critic, I was accepted for a position in public service (Oo ako ay tagapagsilbi ninyong lahat). This has been my job for exactly four years—a job that requires me to use my training and knowledge day and night until I want to throw up.

I am also at another fork in the road. I am asking myself if I am content with this job that pays good money and with the way my life is right now, or if I should once again throw caution to the winds sans the benefactor. I have learned so much in the past four years but I also know that there are still many skills I need to learn and improve on.

I am also unsure of what step I should take next, but I do know that I want to stay in my chosen profession. In anticipation of the unknown, I am arming myself with knowledge and skills that might prove useful when the right opportunity comes. I have also been hoarding resources which would be useful once I’ve decided what major step I would take next. Luck favors the prepared, it is said. Patience is also a virtue. Obviously, I have taken the fable of the Ant and the Grasshopper to heart.

Then again, we all have different rhythms in our lives. Some discover what they want to do in life while drifting along. Others get smacked in the face with it from out of nowhere. Still others work hard for it.

I cannot point you in the right direction but I can share something that could help. I have always found Mr. Antolini’s advice for Holden in Catcher in the Rye very useful. It’s advice on academic education but I think it’s applicable to both our scenarios. He said, “Something else an academic education will do for you. If you go along with it any considerable distance, it’ll begin to give you an idea what size mind you have. What’ll fit and, maybe, what won’t. After a while, you’ll have an idea what kind of thoughts your particular size mind should be wearing. For one thing, it may save you an extraordinary amount of time trying on ideas that don’t suit you, aren’t becoming to you. You’ll begin to know your true measurements and dress your mind accordingly.”

Hope it makes sense.