JessicaRulestheUniverse.com

The Grand Bazaar, construction of which began in the 15th century, is vast and labyrinthine.

You’re looking at bracelets made of glass “evil eyes” to ward off bad luck, you step away for a moment to look at tiny boxes handmade from bone, when a man asks very politely what you’re looking for. You say, Nothing really, he produces these silver earrings and when he sees the gleam of covetousness in your eyes he says, Follow me, I know a store with beautiful earrings.

Your curiosity overrides your experiential knowledge that you have no internal GPS. You follow the seller—who looks like an extra from Argo where this bazaar stood in for the one in Tehran—leaving memory bread crumbs along your route.

You arrive at the vaunted store and make for the earrings, and the seller rolls down the metal awning, looking vaguely offended at your expression of alarm. He suspects you have seen Taken 2 and and says it’s for your convenience, so you can shop in peace. Which you proceed to do. A half hour later, with your bag heavier despite the new lightness of your wallet, you retrace your steps to the entrance, only to find that the bread crumbs of memory have vanished. Everything seems familiar, but isn’t.

The tiles of the Grand Bazaar are grouted with the desiccated bones of shoppers who never found their way out.

That’s what might have happened if the tour guide didn’t warn us that this could happen, and allow us just 30 minutes for browsing.

Restaurant cat.

Photo from Asia Bullion News

Our column at InterAksyon.com.

Complete this couplet:

B is for Bullion. The gold bars, not the soup.

While searching in vain for our copy of Agincourt* (the popular history by Juliet Barker), we saw our Amphigorey collections by Edward Gorey and spent the next three hours laughing over our favorites.

From The Chinese Obelisks

Inspired by Gorey’s Gashlycrumb Tinies and other alphabets, we started writing our own verses for the holidays.

Help us complete our Xmas alphabet! Post your rhymes in Comments. The ones we like, we’ll add to the work in progress. Don’t feel compelled to start with C; pick any letter. Best couplet gets that History Channel leather notebook we showed you a couple of weeks ago.

M is for (bespoke titanium) Motorcycle
So we can say “Oye!” to J. Augusto Zobel

C is for Caran d’Ache to sign the tuition cheques
To send our kids to school with those of Posh and Becks

T is for Tiara to complete the delusion
Of nuptials impending to a jillionaire’s scion

* Rule of book-locating: The book you want is usually in the first place you looked.

* * * * *

Perhaps the instructions were vague. Consider the first two lines. The speaker wants alahas, preferably big, and a bag that is mamahalin. Who is the speaker? A social climber! (Then why isn’t it called The Social Climber’s Xmas Alphabet? Because the X in Extortionist goes with the X in Xmas.) So think pretentious, venal, shallow.

* * * * *

Darlings,

You suck at rhyme and metre, and even worse at gold digging. Why must you be such decent, upstanding folk?

The entries have improved, but you need to acquire that arch, mocking, horrible tone. We prescribe regular doses of Edward Gorey, beginning with these:

The Gashlycrumb Tinies
The Recently Deflowered Girl (Not for prudes)

We’ll accept this couplet from Momelia, which we have rewritten for added unscrupulousness.

And this rhyme from butoygirl, which we have divested of shame.

More! More! It’s easy when you’re awful.

N is for Nose job, that we might be mistaken
For socialites with ancestors sufficiently Iberian.

T is for Tickets to Paris and Milan
(Whoever flies us Coach is not a gentleman.)

F is for Ferrari, there’s no need to be coy.
We don’t desire to breathe the same air as the hoi polloi.

* * * * *
Day 2

At last! The combination of wickedness and panache we have been looking for (with very minor edits).

From stellalehua

Talipandas!

From tudor

Maldita!

From Ejia

The classic false pregnancy extortion scheme! Here’s another from Ejia (We have found a pro! Yikes).

From Ruth

Send us your couplets!

Z is for Zirconium, infomercial variety,
Until we get an upgrade from Pangilinan, Manny.

C is for Chauffeur (it sounds richer than “driver”)
Who has the same…qualities as Michael Fassbender.

T is for Tea from the hinterlands of the Caucasus.
We can’t tell the diff’rence but, from the price, it’s fabulous!

* * * * *

Day 3

* * * * *

EJIA wins the leather notebook! Please post full name (it won’t be published) in Comments.

Update: Ejia, your notebook has been delivered to National Bookstore in Rockwell. Just give your name to the Customer Service desk (tel. 897 4562). Enjoy.

Shilin Night Market in Taipei. Vast array of food, clothes, accessories. Wear comfortable shoes, you have hours of walking to do.

We zeroed in on the eyeglass frames. Yes we have lots of eyeglasses, but we wear them all the time, never contact lenses, so we have an excuse. These glasses were selling for 250 New Taiwan dollars apiece (Php375); we asked for a discount and got 3 for 200 TWD each (Total: Php900; we didn’t haggle hard).

Voila, our new glasses. We’re taking these frames to our optometrist (Nella Sarabia, UP Shopping Center) to have prescription lenses put in. (Chus, want to have lunch?)

Anyone can buy these glasses, but we’re actually going to wear them. We’re going to wear them, and people will ask if they’re custom-made because “They’re so you.” Hah!

If we ever get a super-villain identity we already have the accessories.

We went to the outlet mall in the Qi Pu district. The place is so huge just looking at the buildings made us tired. There is a vast assortment of brands from agnes b. to Y3, but the “factory prices” are hardly bargains unless the particular store is having a sale. After an hour of trudging we found something we wanted, not only for the thing itself but what it portends.

Now we really have to go to Roland Garros.

While broiling in the heat of the Melbourne summer I realized I was wearing the wrong shoes. My thick-soled tennis shoes might have been useful for chasing a down-the-line forehand by Nadal, except that there is a zero probability of me chasing a down-the-line forehand by Nadal. They were too heavy in the heat; at every step I felt like I was lifting an anvil.

On my return to Manila I proceeded to the mall to look for shoes. I am happy with my topsiders but I can’t be wearing boat shoes all the time: I feel like asking myself where my boat is parked. I needed lightweight shoes such as canvas sneakers, with efficient rubber soles because I walk a lot (Walking being the only thing I do that qualifies as physical exercise).

Read The Politics of Shopping, our column this week in InterAksyon.com.